Intimacy...

I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other's wounds; they repair the broken skin. 

- Lauren Oliver, Pandemonium

I think its more about quietening the other person's demons... a merging of souls so that the broken cracks are now filled with life and hope...  

I've always been super quiet about my romantic side, well except for the times it has came out on this blog... but I find myself thinking about it more and more lately... I don't know if I'm hoping for something like this or using these thoughts to shield myself from those I meet... 

I hate the way that conversations I have now are good at first but then five minutes in, I'm totally bored.  I hate those quiet awkward silences where no matter what topic I bring up the guy says "uh ha yeah, so you're cute."  Or just keep saying "so when can I hold you?"  Uh... if you can't hold a conversation with me for more than five minutes then you aren't going to hold my body anytime soon.  That makes me sound like a total bitch but I just.... I need someone who can capture my attention and that I have his.  


Update: Crazy scattered, sorry! 

Randomness

I want to believe in love and that there is someone out there who not only will put me in my place but has a place for me in His life. 

 I'm intelligent but sometimes I make dumb decisions. 

 I'm not sure if I'm smart or just a smart-ass. 

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. 

 I am strong willed and yet infinitely weak. 

 I love too much and trust too little. 

 I hate lies but believe too much. 

 "Sticks and stones are hard on bones aimed with angry art. Words can sting like anything but silence breaks the heart. 

 -Phyllis McGinley

Pick A Tree Personality Test

Look at the tree and choose the one that is immediately the most appealing to you. 

Don’t think about it too long, just choose, 

and find out what your choice says about your personality.

The results!

1. You are a generous and moral (not to confuse with moralizing) person. You always work on self-improvement. You are very ambitious and have very high standards. People might think that communicating with you is difficult, but for you, it isn't easy to be who you are. You work very hard but you are not in the least selfish. You work because you want to improve the world. You have a great capacity to love people until they hurt you. But even after they do. . . you keep loving. Very few people can appreciate everything you do as well as you deserve. 

2. You are a fun, honest person. You are very responsible and like taking care of others. You believe in putting in an honest day's work and accept many work-related responsibilities. You have a very good personality and people come to trust you easily. You are bright, witty and fast-thinking. You always have an interesting story to tell. 

3.You are a smart and thoughtful person. You are a great thinker. Your thoughts and ideas are the most important. You like to think about your theories and views alone. You are an introvert. You get along with those who likes to think and learn. You spend a lot of time, thinking about morality. You are trying to do what is right, even if the majority of society does not agree with you. 

4. You are perceptive and philosophical person. You are a unique, one soul of your kind. Next to you there's no one even slightly similar to you. You are intuitive and a bit quirky. You are often misunderstood, and it hurts you. You need personal space. Your creativity needs to be developed, it requires respect of others. You are a person who clearly sees the light and dark sides of life. You are very emotional.   (This one is the tree I picked and it is very much me!)

5. You are self-assured and in charge. You are very independent. Your guiding principle in life is 'I'll do it my way.'. You are very self-reliant and know how to stay strong for yourself and the people you love. You know exactly what you want and are not afraid of pursuing your dreams. The only thing you demand from people is honesty. You are strong enough to accept the truth. 

6. You are kind and sensitive. People relate to you very well. You have many friends and you love helping them. You have this warm and bright aura that makes people feel good when they are around you. Every day, you think about what you can do to improve yourself. You want to be interesting, insightful and unique. More than anybody else in the world, you need to love. You are even ready to love those who don't love you back. 

7. You are happy and unflappable. You are a very sensitive and understanding person. You are a great listener who know how to be non-judgmental. You believe that everybody has their own journey in life. You are open to new people and events. You are highly resistant to stress and rarely worry. Normally, you are very relaxed. You always manage to have a good time and never lose your way. 

8. You are charming and energetic. You are a fun person who knows hot to make people laugh. You live in a state of harmony with the universe. You are spontaneous and enthusiastic. You never say no to an adventure. Often, you end up surprising and even shocking people. But that's just how you are. . . You always remain true to yourself. You have many interests and if something proves of interest to you, you will not rest until you acquire a profound knowledge of this area. 

9. You are optimistic and lucky. You believe that life is a gift and you try to achieve as much as possible and put this gift to the best use possible. You are very proud of your achievements. You are ready to stick by the people you care about through thick and thin. You have a very healthy approach to life. The glass is (at least) half full for you. You use any opportunity to forgive, learn, and grow because you believe that life is too short to do otherwise. 

Thoughts...

I was browsing profiles somewhere and seen this... I fell in love and copied it to a txt file on my desktop.  But I forgot who wrote it!  If anyone knows, please let me know and I will credit that person immediately.  I still love it and feel it could be talking about me...

I want to believe in love and that there is someone out there who not only will put me in my place but has a place for me in His life. 

I'm intelligent but sometimes I make dumb decisions.

I'm not sure if I'm smart or just a smart-ass.

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. 

I am strong willed and yet infinately weak.

I love too much and trust too little.

I hate lies but believe too much.

Sticks and stones are hard on bones aimed with angry art.  Words can sting like anything but silence breaks the heart. -Phyllis McGinley

Duality Desired

I'm a nice girl.  I have a good sense of humor and work hard.  I am very submissive and possess a slave's heart...  I am very attracted to Gentlemen.  I'm not saying that I want to be treated like I am made of glass or super fragile... But I do want to be treated like a lady in public.  I understand being treated a certain way at a play party or with like minded friends, but... in public... I want to be treated like a person.  

No matter where I am, I will always belong to the One that owns me.  I will follow Him as deep as He wishes to take me, but its important to me that things appear 'normal' in public.  Yes I will be His slave, yes I will be His whore, yes I will be His property... but I also need to be His lady in public.  

Please know that this means I will behave as a lady in public.  I am respectful and well mannered.  I will not embarrass Him by correcting Him in public, rubbing His nose into anything (figuratively), or  by airing dirty laundry to anyone who will listen.

The full truth is that being treated with respect in public makes me feel safe.  It makes me feel like He will take care of me, I don't mean financially or sexually - but it makes me feel protected.  Plus there is something about being lead through a crowd by His hand in mine or directed by His hand at my back.  And my heart melts whenever He places an order for me... 

Until recently, I never realized this was a taboo part of power exchange.  Why are men so ashamed to treat their women like a lady?  Shouldn't that go hand in hand with her belonging to Him?  Sometimes I worry that society is moving away from manners, etiquette  and class... then other times I think that the internet has eliminated the need for such things.  It seems when someone can hide online, what doesn't work for one person, who knows her worth and doesn't put up with that immature pouting crap, will probably work on the next girl who doesn't know any better... and that is so very sad.

Thank you humbly for listening to my rambling... I try not to rant but this is a very important topic to me... and I don't understand why I am often called 'spoiled, selfish, unslavelike' by this desire to be treated as His - in every way.

A Fine Frenzy- Whisper

Eager to please,

Trying to be what they need

But I'm so very tired

I've stopped trying to find

Any peace in my mind

Because it tangles the wires

Whisper

Sung by A Fine Frenzy

Running the race

Like a mouse in a cage

Getting nowhere but I'm trying

Forging ahead

But I'm stuck in the bed

That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close

Yeah, you stay real close

I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me still

Eager to please,

Trying to be what they need

But I'm so very tired

I've stopped trying to find

Any peace in my mind

Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close

Yeah, you stay real close

I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips

To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me still

an emotional creature

"Emotion is not only positive, but necessary; the mastery of it is not up to the female. It is up to the male. She is to be every bit the writhing, crying, joyful, and utterly female being she can possibly be. It would be cruel to suggest otherwise." -- Tribesmen of Gor

"Her feelings were easily hurt, a valuable property in a slave girl. Too, she could not control her feelings, another excellent property in a slave girl. Her feelings, vulnerable, deep, exploitable, in her expressions and on her face, betrayed her, exposing her to men, and their amusement, as helplessly as her stripped beauty. They made her more easily controlled, more a slave." -- Tribesmen of Gor

Unconditional Love in 2011

"Living consciously involves being genuine; it involves listening and responding to others honestly and openly; it involves being in the moment." - Sidney Poitier


I have been giving this a lot of thought and I want to live consciously this year. This means that in order to do this, I will have to open my heart to unconditional love. Yes I love my puppy, my family/friends, and my job... but I want to learn to love me again, unconditionally.  Only then will my heart be ready to love another and allow him to love me in return.  I'm not unrealistic, I realize that love between adults will naturally have conditions... yet the love we have for ourselves should have no boundaries.


I found an article by Dr Tim Ong and this is what he recommends to those who are seeking hearts open to unconditional love:

There are four steps involved in opening our heart to love:
1. Acceptance: That we are worthy of love.
2. Forgiveness: Others and ourselves.
3. Expression: Turning a negative into a positive.
4. Actions: Sharing love with others will help us love ourselves.

Some of these I have been working on, yet Dr Ong explains how to take these steps a bit further to truly put these things into action.


The thing is that I'm not trying to become totally self involved or completely conceited, but I am realizing that I tend to expect too much of myself, being too hard on myself allows others to place unrealistic expectations on me also... and the truth is that if I can't love me, no one else will be able to.

True Strength

 by purplekit94 on Polyvore.com

I am strong, because I am weak.

I am beautiful, because I know my flaws.

I am a lover, because I am a fighter.

I am fearless, because I have been afraid.

I am wise, because I have been foolish.

And I can laugh, because I've known sadness.

These words have given me strength lately...

Looking before you LEEP

Two weeks ago, I had a routine PAP smear.  Less than 24 hours after the appointment, I was being called to come back to the office to have a cervical biopsy done.  At that procedure, it was confirmed that I would need to have to undergo the LEEP Procedure, along with some other biopsies, dnc and whatnot -- not only to rule out cervical cancer but to remove my endometriosis (while they are in there, they did it all).  I was terrified!  I prayed a lot, I talked to people who have had several of the things done, and then I took a break.  I disconnected mentally a bit so I could just... breathe.  Its exhausting to put on a fresh coat of paint for everyone and I have very few people in my life (maybe 1?) that I can be completely honest with.  I understand that my Mom and Grace were scared, I couldn't talk to either of them without them bursting into tears or brushing me off completely.  As much as I love Pixie, she wasn't able to talk with me about it either.  Thankfully, Master-J was there and He listened... I will always be thankful to Him for that.  Sometimes it sucks being 'the strong person' in a family or a group of friends.  :)   I think I feared a fibro/lupus reaction after the procedure more than anything.  I really didn't have a fear that it would be cervical cancer or anything, worst case scenario would have been that I gotten a hysterectomy and taken some medication.  

Anyway.  Surgery was successful on Thursday, I go back for pathology reports and results and all that good stuff later on this week. I remember bits and pieces of what happened afterwards. I remember a nurse telling me to "wake up and breathe", I remember a different nurse telling me it was a little worse than the Doctor expected but that he got everything.  


I feel better, but it kind of sank in this weekend that... I was *this*close* to having cervical cancer.  The Nurse that I clearly remember, the one that brought my family in after recovery, asked me beforehand if I had HPV.  No, I haven't been diagnosed with HPV or anything of that nature.  One time I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (thanks again for that, MountainMan) but it cleared up quickly with appropriate treatment.  

So far, no fibro/lupus issues lingering behind... except for some respiratory difficulties.  But I've been thinking lately about women who do not get regularly scheduled PAP Smears.  I have went every year since high school, except for last year when I was so sick in the hospital.  So within a few short months I developed severe dysplasia that could have lead to CANCER.  That is some scary shit.. especially whenever you can be tested in a few awkward moments every twelve months.  


So while I was looking around online today, I found this cool webpage that boasts it will send you an email reminder when it is time to get your annual PAP!  How brilliant is that?!  Go HERE and click the link to Sign up for Your PAP Reminders.  


Support the LACE Campaign! 


I'll end up adding this picture and link to my blog :)  


Better safe that cooter-less.  lol   

31 Reasons Why I Rock

1. I am cute as hell.

2. I am honest with myself and others.

3. I am sweet and funny, but not a fool.

4. I am a genuinely nice girl, I sincerely want to help others.

5. I have a good personality.

6. I am creative.

7. I am intelligent.

8. I am sarcastic and have a quick witt.

9. I am loyal to my priorities.

10. I am a good Mommy to my Puppy.

11. I have an authentic heart.

12. I take care of my skin so it is fair, soft, and smooth as silk.

13. I take care of my feet, painted toes always make the day go by easier.

14. I am comfortable in my own skin.

15. I am a Girl Scout, and I earned my Gold Award (equivalent of the Boy Scout’s Eagle Scout).

16. I am passionate.

17. I take care of those that mean the most to me, at work and at home with my family.

18. I have a very spoiled but oh so happy puppy.

19. I can swim like a fish and find such peace in the water!

20. I am trained in extensive wound care, for a civilian.

21. I have been educated to have excellent communication skills in listening, writing, and verbal communication. I am also able to read body language and tone inflection.

22. I am resilient and have overcome many adversaries.

23. I take care of my family and friends, there is nothing I will not do for those I love.

24. I am blessed with a job that I enjoy and am good at doing.

25. I have a committed work ethic.

26. I get lost in movies, to the point that it is a mini-vacation.

27. I don’t do anything half-assed, I give 150%!

28. I am a kick-ass colorer!

29. I have a great rack and an oh so cute ass!

30. I am a fibromyalgia/lupus survivor! Chronic illness may slow me down from time to time but it will not stop me.

31. Because today is my birthday and 31 will be even better than 30!

Becoming Integrated

I was watching an episode of 'United States of Tara', a show about a woman who has Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (used to be called multiple personalities). At first, I watched because I love Toni Collette but I have fallen in love with the main character Tara, played by Collette. I have been able to relate with Tara in some way, but never realized how or why... until last night. (No I am not saying that I have DID!) But in some way, I tend to see the parts of me as different personalities... Often I have talked about the little girl, the slave, the submissive, and my vanilla side... When one of those roles takes over, it feels as though the 'thinking vanilla' side of me has little control. Its like those needs overwhelm me and everything changes in my world for that time period.

Strada used to tell me that my vanilla self and my submissive self were two sides of the same coin, and while that helped me find peace with my changing needs then... that advice has come back to me with this episode and makes much more sense now. He did help me see that I needed to begin to think of myself as an integrated person, not just someone with a bunch of loose ends. Thank you for that, Sir!

Anyway, the light came on when I was watching that episode. I want to learn to love all of me again, not shun this part or that part because she -- because I am "to needy".

30

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores,
Cry a little less, laugh a little more.
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear,
Figure out just what I’m doing here.
In my next thirty years.

~ Tim McGraw

Responses

You cannot tailor-make the situations in life but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations.
~ Zig Ziglar

This expression has really been put to the test lately. I have spent a good bit of time, over the last week, biting my tongue with certain family members. As I blogged earlier this week, a lot has been going on in my world. However tonight, I found out that Grace and Smokey are coming up tomorrow to be with Dad, so I can return to work. I am grateful, truly, that they are actually going to come up and help... But at the same time, this week has been very difficult because of the emotional responses various conversations with each of them have brought on.

With my fibromyalgia, I have to be cautious about how upset/worked up I allow myself to become. For a long time, I didn't think I was making progress until this last crisis. I have been able to keep myself from spiraling negatively down that rabbit hole, then again I have had a new form of support this time around... that helped more than anyone will ever know. MathMan was there. Not physically, but emotionally, He was there to listen to me, offer support, and reminding me that I cannot change other people's choices. I hope that He knows how much it helped, and how much it meant to me.

To MathMan: Thank you Sir for being there for me...

Needy Clingy

Needy
Clingy
Demanding
Unrealistic
Attention-whore
Manipulative
Bothersome
Distraction
Intrusive
Interrupting
Inconvenient
Pestering
Nuisance
Needy
Clingy

It’s amazing how two little words can bring up so many negative connotations, emotions, and that instant stomach tightening going to be sick feeling. It has been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember not to bother a person, just because I would like someone’s attention doesn’t mean I have the right to request it. This has been confirmed to me repeatedly in my relationships as an adult. Imagine my surprise when MathMan tells me that he LIKES needy/clingy. I don’t understand how that can be seen in a positive light, and I don’t like how disgusted it makes me feel with myself… because all I can see are these desperate attempts that beg for a moment of his notice, when my head is saying ‘if He wanted to talk to you stupid, he would talk to you! Leave Him alone, He’s busy.’

I hate when I am feeling those needy/clingy desires, that ache to be in constant contact, that need to be as close as possible… that overwhelming sense of aloneness that lingers overhead ~ as if my very life depended on hearing His voice. All I can hear are those old tapes, telling me inconvenient I am, what a bother I am being, and that I shouldn’t hassle Him or He will go on to someone who will give Him space.

My puppy had surgery recently, and when she got home she was up under me ALL of the time. I’ve never been the kind of girl who wants anyone up under my feet nor do I want to be up under someone’s feet all the time. I didn’t mind, I knew the spay had been traumatic for her and she was in pain, so I enjoyed her being close... I felt as though being near me might offer her comfort or reassurance, so I encouraged her. It felt good that she picked me to be close to, to follow around, and lay against. I enjoyed that quiet time with her, felt our bond strengthen. I didn’t realize it until a day or two later, when Pixie asked if the puppy was still being clingy... Yes she was, and surprisingly, I didn’t mind. Suddenly, I started thinking that maybe, some People do see needy/clingy in different ways... which of course made me think of MathMan… makes me very curious what He feels/thinks when the girl is ‘needy clingy’.

Creating Oneself

There's no reality except the one contained within us. That's why so many people live an unreal life. They take images outside them for reality and
never allow the world within them to assert itself.
~Hermann Hesse

I think that we all go through periods of not feeling ‘like ourselves’. And there isn’t anything really wrong with that, unless we give up on ‘creating ourselves’. I don’t think that anyone is already formed, exactly how they will be, so that all they have to do is exist to be the person they want to be... I hear so many people that have given up, because “this isn’t who I wanted to be”... then change it! That power lies in our own hands and we can shift who we are, to what/who we want to become. It isn’t easy... but life isn’t supposed to be easy.

So that is my . . . mindset lately, trying to shift who I am now into who I want to be. I don’t like that I am a bit harsh at times, a bitch at other times, and so jaded by my experiences that I don’t believe in natural goodness or the ability of love to heal all things. As much as I want to say that I believe in those things, I don’t think I do anymore. But I want to.

I am in the process of putting my family first again, after God of course. . . but not at the price of putting myself last anymore. I’m trying to listen to my heart on what I desire, sort out my needs by level of importance so I will know what I can compromise on... I’m reorganizing everything. I want to put my fears away, transfer my confidence back to the front, and try to release my negativity so that I stop hiding.

I’m not saying that any of these things will change anything at all, but... I think it will be easier for me to find happiness once I am happy with myself.

Because in my new reality, I’m important too. :)

PSA on Proper Ettiquette

Hello Sir. Please Sir may Sir a Sir girl Sir blog Sir? Sir, thank Sir You Sir for Sir allowing Sir a Sir inferior Sir girl Sir to Sir blog Sir.

Although I i am always open to learning new ways to be pleasing, I i was given an "etiquette lesson" today that drove me crazy. I i should have seen the signs, but this time the guy GUY got by me... for about fifteen seconds.

First, 'in order to ensure I i was worth his HIS attention', He grilled me on the protocol I i may have picked up over my time in 'the lifestyle'. Did I i know to appropriately capitalize ANYTHING that might refer to HIM in the big huge dom-ly masculine letters? Which on the flip side, meant that anything relating to myself should be in tiny little itty bitty insignificant and extremely inferior letters... because he He HE is so SUPERIOR.

Secondly, he HE chastised me for not using 'SIR' enough in my statements. 'It is to be used every few words, slave, at the beginning and end of every sentence!' So in an attempt to be funny/cute, I i piped up with 'Yes Sir SIR, thank YOU SIR for teaching this stupid girl SIR.' However, he HE took it that I i was 'easily trainable'.

So when I i sought out clarification from him HIM on this --- no wait, that was a mistake too because I i didn't beg HIM for HIS BAST MASTERLY permission to cast my tiny womanly question into the ring where he HE might need to read them... (which I i was corrected yet AGAIN by the ALL POWERFUL COLLARMEGOD for having the gall to dare question anything a kid MAN has to say...)

(Yes by this time, I was clearly fucking with him.)

So after I i corrected my ignorant ways and properly pleaded for HIS permission to open my mouth with a question, he HE decided in HIS ALL MIGHTY KNOWING OF EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN that my question was irreverent anyway as a lowly female life form cannot possibly have anything to say of interest to this ass ASS -- err MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

Funny, I thought that position was already taken.




At the risk of sounding like a bitch:

To those new Folks out there, this would be a major "Masterly Conversation DO NOT ATTEMPT AT HOME EVER" because clearly he needed to see all the CAPS and verbal cowering to know his position. If you are that easily swayed from your self-image, then perhaps you should stay on the porch. And if you do this, stop immediately because people (like me) are laughing at you, not with you.

That concludes my public service announcement.

Directions

I love this picture by Daniel Aeschlimann, called 'Hot Water'.

When I first found it, I thought it showed some of my fibro symptoms but now... I am relating to it in another fashion. After my very recent bout with pneumonia, I am connecting with it in that fashion today.... I guess I am feeling better today. Waking up at home, not in the hospital, is always a plus! But my breathing is very labored today and I’m beyond exhausted.

Not to sound all dramatic or anything, but to be realistic... I almost didn't make it. I think that is sinking in more now than it really did before. Especially now that I'm hearing about the people who had the same thing and either didn't make it or it wasn't 'discovered' until the autopsy... And then when you mix in my lupus, and my risks with that alone... I feel so very blessed to be making a recovery... humbled beyond belief... But it makes me question the direction of my life.

Yes I am doing a job that I enjoy... But I'm also almost 30, living at home, completely single, and fewer friends than I realized (judging by how many people called to check on me during my hospital stint)... Even my sister didn't want to come see me at the hospital! I'm a nice girl, I do a lot for a lot of people... Yet, it's not really coming back in my direction. So... is this the way I want my life to go?

Oh and please don't get me started on how fucked up I think this whole "surrender to Another" desire I have has messed up my life.... Is this isolation worth it? Or after over a decade of following this path, without finding anything positive or real, is that a sign that its really NOT for me?

Maybe it should be ‘enough’ to meet someone I can be vanilla with?

Maybe adults really don’t have happy endings or relationships?

Maybe its all part of the fairytales told to children, so they can enjoy being young and innocent?

Maybe I just need to go lay down...