Perhaps dominance and submission are themselves a sort of sexual orientation, beyond gender and sexual activity?
~used with permission from FemaleMaster on CollarMe
I've never looked at dominance and submission as being a form of orientation, until I read this quote. It makes sense though. I have always been 'me', compassionate caring and putting others before myself. I was brought up to believe that the man is the head of the house and the wife is there to support him. In college I met someone who lead me to D/s and it all clicked within me. I knew-- deep down I knew that I was submissive. I wasn’t however, ready to accept it. For a while I enjoyed the company of dominants and even had a few power exchange relationships. But in the back of my mind, I always wondered if I could be happy in a vanilla (but still somewhat kinky) relationship. About three years ago, I entered a vanilla relationship and was somewhat happy. I didn’t have that feeling of being complete or even 'at peace' within the relationship. I knew then, that we weren’t compatible where it counts. D/s isn’t about sex and sexual expressions of submission. It’s not about doing chores or piping "yes Sir" at every opportunity. It’s much more than that to me. Experiencing true power exchange rocks me to my very core. Power exchange isn’t something I “hope” for, it is something I need to have a successful relationship. So yes, it really defines my identity, just as being gay or female would define someone else’s. I should not be ashamed to admit my relationship preferences are those on the other end of the power exchange spectrum. I am just now gaining confidence in myself, and my right to want what I want, to need what I need. I need a Dominant Partner who needs me to serve Him as much as I need to serve Him. If I am not able to acknowledge how much I am longing to belong to Someone again, but in a way that is much different than I have experienced before... totally, completely, without a doubt His possession... Not a worthless piece of junk he picked up along the way, but His treasure, His joy... Call me vain but that’s what I want. Listen up vanilla guys and all ya’ll momma-boys, ya’ll can just kiss my grits!
We all have those moments in our lives that either reassure us that we are destined for wonderfully better things or confirm our darkest fears. Most of the time, it takes reflection to realize what those moments are because to the naked eye/thought process we may not be able to see the domino affect each moment has. I heard from one of my cousin earlier, she had dinner with my grandfather. Well he isn’t my grandfather anymore, him and my grandmother are getting a divorce. He isn’t my Mom’s biological father but was married to her mother for thirty-eight years. He’s the only grandfather I’ve known on my mother’s side of the family. My father’s parents passed away in the mid-90s, so I had gotten close with my maternal grandparents. He and I used to go to football games all over the place, from local little league games to college games, football was our world the whole season. I selected my college because it was where he wanted me to go, UTK was our favorite college team to watch. He kept my car running, mended my broken hearts, came to my first job several times a week just to tip me, we must of gone to a hundred amusement park concerts, took care of all the stray dogs I left at his house, taught me about cattle, and taught me to ride a bike. He was always there. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t connected to me by blood, he was always there for me. Mom says that he brought me home from the hospital, of course I don’t remember that. But I do remember when I was in a major car wreck as a child, he was the one in the ER with me. I knew that my grandmother wasn’t happy with him, I didn’t like how he treated her, but I loved him and he treated me well. He always told me that no matter what happened between him and my grandmother, he would always be my grandfather. And I always believed him. Three years ago, my grandmother filed for divorce. At first I thought that he wasn’t contacting any of “her” grandchildren (there are four of us). Recently I discovered… he wasn’t contacting me. He tried to keep in touch with Grace (my sister) but she wouldn’t talk to him. He still sees my cousins regularly, they talk almost every day. Whenever I see him, he pretends he doesn’t know me. I know their divorce is for the best, I want my grandmother to be happy. But after twenty-four years of being my active grandfather, how can he just forget all about me? During the last three years, I haven’t heard a word from him, when I have passed him he just looks right through me… Maybe I’m the one he won’t face… Maybe he can’t… Maybe he doesn’t want to…. Maybe he doesn’t know that I miss him… Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it just confirms my greatest fear…
Everyone leaves.
You needy little bitch. What gives you the right to ask anyone for anything, just shut up and stop being so damn needy. That’s what is driving everyone away, no one can put up with your clinginess! I hate this part of myself, if I could just get my hands around it I would shake the shit out of it!! It’s your fault that the rest of us gets hurt. It’s your fault that we end up latched onto dumb fuck who says hello gets latched onto because you "feel something" different ~ well “feel this” bitch. Nobody wants you for anything more than something to assist with getting their rocks off! And you can’t even do that most of the times. That is your only purpose and only thing you bring to the table. That’s why this keeps happening! If it was once or twice, sure it could be a bad selection but when it’s all the fucking time – you stupid bitch! A hundred guys can’t be wrong. Stupid! Stupid! Stuipid! How could you be so stupid? We have been through this a hundred times. Why won’t you listen to us? This is why you were locked up to start with! We tuck you away to keep you safe, yet we know you can’t stay hidden forever. Maybe it isn’t time to bring you back out, to give you a voice… You are to vulnerable and still carry to much pain… maybe the time won’t ever be right. Maybe some parts of us should always be silenced.How can you complain that you are hurt? How can you say that you are still in pain? You can’t be that naïve! Shake it off already!! If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch you whining needy attention-desperate slut! 
Oh honey, I don’t really mean it. I don’t hate this part of myself… I just don’t know how to control it. Your tears are too many to wipe; we don’t know what to do with you. We are all drowning in your pain and no of us know how to soothe you. Maybe this blog was a bad idea.
A man is a strange beast I think, for he both desires one woman and many women, and perhaps most he desires one woman who will be many women, others, delicious others, and yet always, too, herself. ~ Captive of Gor
A woman is a complex creature. There are so many different sides to her; strength, vulnerability, confidence, tenderness, and the ability to feel such great joy but also tremendous pain.
Submissive women are no different.I am no different.
I have different sides that are needed by different people, at work I am very much in charge and the ‘mother figure’ for my clients and staff. I am responsible for decisions for my family. I try my best to be a compassionate caring nonjudgmental friend to those who need me.
And there are many women I want the courage to be.
There is a little girl, giggly and chatty, her whole world revolves around her Hero -- the One she calls ‘Daddy’. In her eyes, He can do no wrong and is the only One who can save her from the monsters under the bed and the strange noises outside when it’s dark. This little girl who lights up at the sound of His voice, who wants His warmth against her, and the gentle touch of His hand. In her world, He can make everything better, with a hug or a kiss, or even a new coloring book or baby doll if that is His choice. That little girl needs to know that He is there, watching over her, so that she can sleep. Allowed to playfully test her boundaries and tweaking His rules for her, she knows that He won’t allow her to stray to far from His side.
There is a girl who wants to be His pet. There at His side, cuddly and greedy for His notice. Caress her, touch her, talk with her, this needy pet is licking at His hands and nuzzling against Him like a hungry kitten. Yes she wants to be pleasing and hear His voice call her ‘good girl’ but she is very demanding of His time and attentions. The pet needs to be appeased so that she may rest against Him. The pet requires a short leash, she will follow Him wherever He goes… because her undying adoration of Him is evident in the fact she can’t stand to be parted from Him.
There is a submissive who wants to please the One she calls ‘Sir’, putting His needs before her own. This girl strives to be pleasing; she is dedicated and proactive in obeying His rules, wanting to deliver His satisfactions. This one maintains a high level of respect for Him and His needs, requesting His guidance and begging His reassurance that things are the way He desires them. The girl’s own needs come secondary, yet she is able to vocalize them to Him. The submissive can busy herself with things that will please Him, does not need to be in His company to keep Him on her mind. His compliments are her encouragement, His smile is her reward.
There is a girl, quiet off in the back, who needs to be His slave. Slightly weathered from the storms of her life, the girl needs to be able to fall to her knees before Him, desperate for His peace. At the touch of His hand, her walls crumble, left defenseless, raw, exposed, and open… tears wash away doubts and fears, cleansing her from the pain she has tucked so her heart so tightly, leaving her a blank canvas for His creation. Without etiquette or pride, she lays herself at His feet, hiding nothing from Him… as she offers up all that she is to the One she calls ‘Master’. His touch becomes her salvation, His arms her refuge. By just her name on His lips, He destroys those barriers and teachers her that He is to be her center, her anchor in the storm, and her priority. His pleasure becomes her focus, she becomes obsessed with serving Him. Not from fear of punishment ~ even though knowing that she has disappointed Him crushes her spirit ~ but because she cannot fathom life without it. This girl has no doubts that He will always take care of her, yet also knowing that if He sees fit, she can and will be removed from His presence. This offers comfort to the girl, because she does not wish to be kept out of obligation, but because He longs for her service as much as she craves His mastery. The girl knows she has absolute faith in His depth, command, control, and power, embracing those strengths in her own life.
The slave within, however, is terrified. She has been beaten, raped, used, discarded, and with each abandonment this girl grows weaker. So the other parts step forward to protect her. The little girl will distract you, the pet will flirt with you, and the submissive will cater to you… each doing their part to keep the slave within shielded and safe until the right One comes along to bring her back to the surface.
Who are these women? They are all me, deep within me beats the heart of each of these girls. I am each one of them. Perhaps this is what the quote meant, that a Man truly desires these different sides, unique and special, because together they become ‘His’.
Sometimes my heart hurts so much, I beat it with my fists. I try to run. But you cannot run from this. It waits for you. Even when you think you have escaped it, it is there. ~Klaus Kinski
Sometimes when things bring us pain it is so that we can grow into better people, the hurt teaches us lessons from compassion to caution. However, when we are not able to release that pain and move forward with our newfound intelligence, that is when we can become so bogged down with negativity that we can no longer see our path. Struggling beneath the weight of our disappointments and injuries we will grow tired and unable to continue forward. So, in order to correct this, we must begin the painstaking task of shedding that baggage so that we will have our arms free to embrace tomorrow’s promise. That is the purpose of this blog. Over the years I have locked away part of myself that I wish to explore. That part is still wounded and sad, but a very important piece of the elana puzzle. I have realized that I cannot be complete as long as I continue to ignore that side of myself. So, my journey to self-discovery begins.Deep breath elana, what you will find at the end of this pilgrimage will be greater than all the gold at the end of the rainbow.
