Questions

This entry is inspired by an email conversation with a new Friend...

1. Besides being a sub/slave/little girl what other things do you see yourself as being?
I am close with my family, and wish to remain so. I strive to be a good daughter that takes care of her parents, an honest sister to Grace and Bubbey. I volunteer in the community when I am able, and truly adore my job. I have an intense need to help others in some fashion, providing a sincere service to the community.

2. What do you do to show how you feel about someone?
I believe in the little things. I leave a note in someone’s car or lunchbox, maybe send Him a text message or voicemail to say I am thinking of Him. I don’t wish to be a bother to someone or be under His feet all the time, but my most sincere dees is to do those tiny things that let Him know that He is on my mind, in my heart, and my focus. When getting my nails polished, I tend to pick colors I know that my Partner will like/prefer. I select a haircut at the length He would dee, and ask His permission before getting my hair colored.

3. What do you feel is a good first meeting offline?
I like the thought of meeting for coffee somewhere quiet yet public, safe yet secluded so that we may talk, whisper, and just get comfortable with each other without the pressures of being completely alone or forcing something to save face in public.

4. How important is communication (example: how often you hear from someone)
I am high maintenance emotionally. I want a moment of His time every day, either a text or an email or a phone call to let me know He is also thinking of me. I understand how people are busy and if something comes up, that is ok, but... I have always believed that if someone truly cared for me, ... He would need to touch base with me at least once during His day. If I was on His mind at all. I know that isn’t exactly very fair, but I am being as honest as possible. I know that I over think things sometimes, but my mind is constantly spinning and running and... I hope that He would be interested in learning my mind also... because I want Him inside my head.

5. I would like you to prioritize what you are looking for in the right one.
a. Honesty. I tend to be crude and say if Someone doesn’t have the balls to be honest with me, then He isn’t strong enough to handle me. I’m a lot of woman, and it will take a strong secure Man to be my Daddy.
b. Consistency. I believe 100% that behaviors are responses of conditioning. We all teach others how to treat us, by what we allow them to do to us. I need Him to be a rock in my crazy ocean of life, and if he is drifting back and forth, wishy washy – then He is teaching me I cannot trust him to be what I need him to be. That being said, it is my responsibility to be consistent to Him also.
c. A certain level of kindness and understanding. Not weakness, but consideration for not only me but others in O/our lives. Thoughtfulness comes naturally to me, but I understand that it is not the same for others. However, how can Daddy understand why I need to be considerate to others if He is not? Plus if Daddy is not polite, how can he teach me the manners that would please him? :)
d. Patience. I have fibromyalgia, I need to know that He will be patient and accepting of me... from limitations to fears. I know though, that this is a very tall order... and a deal breaker for many. I will not judge you it makes me too much to deal with or someone you are uninterested in.

Mental Domination

Capture my mind, and my body will follow.

And He whispered to her in the darkness as we lay together, "Tell Me where to touch you so that I can drive you insane; tell Me where to touch you to give you ultimate pleasure, tell Me where to touch you so that I will truly own you."

She kissed Him softly and whispered back, "Touch my mind."

Unsure who is th author, but I enjoy both quotes.

Co-Existing

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another, unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. ~ Anais Nin

I love Aanis Nin’s view of things and tend to feel like I can relate with her. Unfortunately, I have not discovered my inner strength to reach that level of surrender without clinging to His control, keeping His service primary in my mind requires me to hunger for His strength frequently. Not that I go kicking and screaming, but the more I submit, the more I crave His control.

Working to live versus living to work. Unfortunately, that is a concept I am just now warming up too... I have been living to work, drowning myself in service to others through my employment. I’ve had to face the fact that I’ve been hiding behind it, so that I didn’t have to... 'get real'. It’s crazy because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am submissive, yet the idea of becoming vulnerable to someone again terrifies me completely. How can those two needs co-exist?

I have learned, though, that I want to stop pushing Others away. Just because Someone can leave me, does not mean He will. If I do not start seeing myself as valuable enough to belong to Another, then how can Anyone see me as worth owning? I want to stop backseat driving, try to have faith in the fact that I will continue to be open and honest with myself -- on all levels. Even those parts that I don't like to talk about or think about, especially those parts.... I have said it a million times in the past, if I am unable to control myself on my own, then no One will be able to control me... I need to truly embrace it now.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anaïs Nin

Being Whole

You have to be whole, then meet a whole person, and the two make a great big whole. But if you are half, and he is half, there is a hole.

A new friend gave me this advice recently, due to some major changes I am going through. I am confident about everything in my life except for my fibromyalgia and my surrender... There has been so much going on emotionally that has me shaken, but I know that peace will come soon... :)

Thank you kali for the advice :)

Walls versus Boundaries

What is the difference between building walls and setting boundaries?

This is what I am trying to figure out...

Growing up, I never learned how to set emotional boundaries. Even as an adult, my parents maintain a certain level of control by using guilt, emotional blackmail, or by just bulldozing me into something. Don’t get me wrong, i love my parents and they love me, but... I need to learn where to put that line. I was raised to be honest to a fault, that I should answer whatever questions someone asks even if its something they didn't want to hear. Everything I did wrong was either met with physical discipline or emotional abandonment, hearing how their lives would be so much easier if they just disappeared... didn't come home... or just didn't have me to start with. After the threats came the silent treatment, several days of looking through me, not hearing me, nothing... like I didn't even exist...

This affects my relationships as an adult, when I attempt to set a boundary so that I don’t over-share, I tend to put up a wall and push someone away instead. I don't know how much I should open up, what I should hold back, or how to deal with that panicky vulnerable feeling that I have after opening up... I've always had a problem with this, but it got MUCH worse after my Ex kicked me out and left me in the parking lot that night. Sometimes my... fear of that rejection is so overwhelming... Especially since the development of my fibromyalgia/Lupus complications! I mean if someone didn't want me then, why would they want me now?

I hate doing thist, and want to learn how to correct it. I want to learn how to only respond to what was asked, how to let Someone in without expecting Them to ambush me once they are close... I want to learn to trust myself enough to... let down my guard and truly... be honest about myself... without just rattling off my accusations... and find peace.

I just... want to find peace.

an Iron Gate Essay

An Iron-Gate essay about what a Dominant is...

*begin quote*

He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, he can cause his sub to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character.

*cut*

To win his submissive's mind, body and soul, he knows he must first win her trust. He will show his submissive humor, kindness, and warmth. He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction.

*cut*

He is always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. He is patient, taking the time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of him grows, so will they.

*cut*

He is secure enough to laugh at himself and the absurdities of life. Courageous enough to accept assistance. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. His tools are mind, body, spirit and soul with a little help from rope, paddle and blindfold. He understands that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other. And both of them know that love is the only binding that truly holds.

*end quote*

I hate to quote so much from somewhere else especially when I can post the link, but I really like these words and it gives me hope that there is someone out there who is real, kind, honorable, consistent, and also Dominant.

I have often wrote about what about him makes a him the one who is able to teach me to be a better person, submissive, and friend. This explains is perfectly: "He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction."

Iron Gate has many essays that are good and informative. This is the one that spoke to me the most tonight...

Hmm... maybe this should be my letter to Santa this year! haha

~girl

Saying goodbye...

I believe things happen for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually start to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things all apart so better things can fall together. ~Marilyn Monroe

we all have heartaches, problems and trust issues, but one can not go through life not trusting or loving others. If we have never had heartache we never know what love, or happiness, really is. The optimist thinks the glass is half full, the pessimist thinks it is half empty. Which are you?

Extremely powerful video... Jordon Sparks sings 'No Air'.

Wishing Him most well...

Just Believe

"There is no use trying," Alice said: "one can’t believe impossible things."

"I daresay you haven’t had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

~Lewis Carol, Through the Looking Glass

Sometimes we need to believe in things that seem impossible, because that is when we need faith/hope the most.

Fibromyalgia has really been kicking my butt lately. Changes in medications, extended tests, and drama at home seem to have stacked the deck against me right now. Taking things as they come, trying to find calming peace, and rebalance myself... feels impossible. But it isn’t, and after such a rough climb up the mountain, the view always looks sweeter... right?

Verbal Allergies

I have verbal allergies. There are some words that, despite any kind of corrective training I have attempted, still bring out horrible reactions. I can become angry, withdrawn, disgusted, or even sarcastically pissy.

Example: I hate being called clingy, needy, demanding, or that I am overreacting will totally release my wrath! I do not know why I am so severely insulted by these words, their definitions do not make them negative but the connotation of their existence disgusts me.

Unfortunately, this is something that is very difficult to explain, and even more frustrating to try and accept. It is like I switch out of whatever mode I am in (little girl, slave, etc) and become protective Bitch wanting to know what in the hell you mean by that are you talking about? And that's bad.

I am not just talking about those red flags that communicate the person I am talking to is stupid unaware of the meaning of his words. And I am not just talking about those times when someone crosses the line into something that is non of their damn business inappropriate.

Am I the only one who has these responses to certain words? Granted, everyone’s words are different, but could the reactions be similar? Does this even make any sense? Or am I just not thinking clearly today?

To me, it is all about the connotation of the word. Yes we know that definitions are similar, but the ‘feeling’ of the word is what counts. That is what pisses me off so badly.

Please allow me, to set up a scenario in which to demonstrate when my verbal allergies will flare up.

Man-A has found a girl to His liking and demanded control of her very existence. Issuing the order "you will not cum, date, dress, cut your hair, or do anything" without begging MY permission. (Blah blah blah, right?) Girl agrees and now becomes slave{A} and the journey begins. As slave{A} obeys her Master, she may have needs that are not being met or wants to better understand something so that she may improve within her service to Man-A. So slave{A} begs for an extension of His control, maybe a journal or email contact or something, to help her become a better slave to Man-A. However, for some reason unknown to the feminine mind, Man-A decides that slave{A} requesting anything from this all powerful Man is "topping from the bottom", so he takes it upon himself to correct this "demanding" girl. Totally bowled over by the complete lack of communication/understanding between Man and girl, she becomes upset and cries. He chastises her with “emotional girl, stop overreacting."

Or an example from my personal experiences:

Man demands open access to the girl (emotionally physically sexually and mentally), and demands that girl be available, honest, and open with Him at all times. The first few weeks are good, He tells her to contact Him every x hours via text or whatever... But a month into it, or six weeks into it, He decides she is now "clingy needy" and punishes her for doing the very thing he taught her to do.

So instead of being man enough, in either example, to be honest and open with her (which is odd because that is what he demands, yes?) he hides behind words to label her that hysterical woman who isn’t worth his time. Suddenly, she becomes the bag guy even when the situation doesn’t become the bad guy.

Personally I feel like... people take the easy way out. Or don’t want to ‘waste time’ understanding the other perspective, so they chalk everything up to ‘that time of the month’ (like FetLifeGuy gave us that example)... I’m an intelligent person, I do not know everything but I am far from being stupid. And I refuse to down play my intelligence anymore just to save someone’s fragile insecurities.

Hmm or does that make me sound like a bitch?

~girl
or should I sign it bitch. LOL

Journal topic is from a discussion on fetlife

Tenderness

Journal Prompt: Write a letter to a Dominant about yourself and your desires, be open and honest.

Dear Sir...

I have always felt drawn to the image of an iron hand with a velvet glove. The ability to offer a form of tenderness at times, yet remains unyielding to the will of another. To be completely honest, Sir, sometimes I think a certain form of gentleness (at times) can be as intense as sadistic repercussions. If that makes sense, Sir?

I have begun to think that tenderness is a valuable tool. I think that many overlook how powerful it can be. I will admit, Sir, that I used to think gentleness was synonymous with weakness... now I am learning that is not the case. I just had this concept of a Man who shows tenderness to a girl, then He was going soft on her. I understood, Sir, that it can be a rather erotic mind-f^ck at times. But I’m just now realizing that it can be affection, not because she begged for it but because He desires to be affection ate with her. May I ask, Sir, do you feel that a Master can be in love with His slave? Can he truly love her, or will that distract from His ability to discipline and mold her?

I don’t wish to be micro-managed, Sir, but at the same time I cannot go from One having complete control to being in control of myself again, on a whim. I am easily confused when One wants control completely but only sometimes, when He has time for it or sneaks away from work to ‘play for a moment’. I don’t understand that type of wishy-washy domination.

I am able to make decisions and stand on my own. And once I surrender to the right One, I wouldn’t mind protecting His property and making those choices based on what He would like best (after I learn his preferences). But deep down, I want to feel His control, His desire for my surrender, that He still wants me as His. Or is that selfish, Sir? I know that so many have been hurt in the past, Sir, and I’m not implying that my pain has been worse than anyone else’s... but I have major abandonment issues. Which is natural after being dropped without a word, or the Guy just disappears. I understand your words, Sir, that I just need to have faith and remove that barrier... but I don’t know if I could pick up the pieces again. I’ve gotten to the point where I need to get over it and move past it... I can truly relate with this quote:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -- Anais Nin

I just... sometimes I think something is wrong with me. There are nights, most nights, I cannot stop crying. I don’t know where all this pain is coming from, my sister says I had kept it all locked away for so long that now I have opened pandora’s box I will never get it shut. And sometimes, I think she is right. Most of the time it is a cleansing emotion, that some kind of peace behind. Other times, I just get so confused that I just want to block everything out again. I don’t want to be clingy or needy, but for the first time – ever – I am able to admit to myself that I do want/need a Master... Daddy... Owner... all of it. Not just “any” guy, but the right one. I’m not desperate or trying to rush, but actually admitting that I hope to meet the right One one day... is liberating to a certain extent (and terrifying!).... is that bad?

Thank you again for listening...
~girl

Declare Yourself -- Vote!

I love these pictures...

Voting is not a 'right' it is something that millions of Americans, young and old, of all races, of both genders ~ have died to give you... Do not make light of their sacrifice because of your own laziness that keeps you from being involved.



This morning, I shared the voting experience with my Mom. This afternoon, I took my sister Grace to her to place her very first vote.