What is the difference between building walls and setting boundaries?
This is what I am trying to figure out...
Growing up, I never learned how to set emotional boundaries. Even as an adult, my parents maintain a certain level of control by using guilt, emotional blackmail, or by just bulldozing me into something. Don’t get me wrong, i love my parents and they love me, but... I need to learn where to put that line. I was raised to be honest to a fault, that I should answer whatever questions someone asks even if its something they didn't want to hear. Everything I did wrong was either met with physical discipline or emotional abandonment, hearing how their lives would be so much easier if they just disappeared... didn't come home... or just didn't have me to start with. After the threats came the silent treatment, several days of looking through me, not hearing me, nothing... like I didn't even exist...
This affects my relationships as an adult, when I attempt to set a boundary so that I don’t over-share, I tend to put up a wall and push someone away instead. I don't know how much I should open up, what I should hold back, or how to deal with that panicky vulnerable feeling that I have after opening up... I've always had a problem with this, but it got MUCH worse after my Ex kicked me out and left me in the parking lot that night. Sometimes my... fear of that rejection is so overwhelming... Especially since the development of my fibromyalgia/Lupus complications! I mean if someone didn't want me then, why would they want me now?
I hate doing thist, and want to learn how to correct it. I want to learn how to only respond to what was asked, how to let Someone in without expecting Them to ambush me once they are close... I want to learn to trust myself enough to... let down my guard and truly... be honest about myself... without just rattling off my accusations... and find peace.
I just... want to find peace.
This is what I am trying to figure out...
Growing up, I never learned how to set emotional boundaries. Even as an adult, my parents maintain a certain level of control by using guilt, emotional blackmail, or by just bulldozing me into something. Don’t get me wrong, i love my parents and they love me, but... I need to learn where to put that line. I was raised to be honest to a fault, that I should answer whatever questions someone asks even if its something they didn't want to hear. Everything I did wrong was either met with physical discipline or emotional abandonment, hearing how their lives would be so much easier if they just disappeared... didn't come home... or just didn't have me to start with. After the threats came the silent treatment, several days of looking through me, not hearing me, nothing... like I didn't even exist...
This affects my relationships as an adult, when I attempt to set a boundary so that I don’t over-share, I tend to put up a wall and push someone away instead. I don't know how much I should open up, what I should hold back, or how to deal with that panicky vulnerable feeling that I have after opening up... I've always had a problem with this, but it got MUCH worse after my Ex kicked me out and left me in the parking lot that night. Sometimes my... fear of that rejection is so overwhelming... Especially since the development of my fibromyalgia/Lupus complications! I mean if someone didn't want me then, why would they want me now?
I hate doing thist, and want to learn how to correct it. I want to learn how to only respond to what was asked, how to let Someone in without expecting Them to ambush me once they are close... I want to learn to trust myself enough to... let down my guard and truly... be honest about myself... without just rattling off my accusations... and find peace.
I just... want to find peace.
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