Tenderness

Journal Prompt: Write a letter to a Dominant about yourself and your desires, be open and honest.

Dear Sir...

I have always felt drawn to the image of an iron hand with a velvet glove. The ability to offer a form of tenderness at times, yet remains unyielding to the will of another. To be completely honest, Sir, sometimes I think a certain form of gentleness (at times) can be as intense as sadistic repercussions. If that makes sense, Sir?

I have begun to think that tenderness is a valuable tool. I think that many overlook how powerful it can be. I will admit, Sir, that I used to think gentleness was synonymous with weakness... now I am learning that is not the case. I just had this concept of a Man who shows tenderness to a girl, then He was going soft on her. I understood, Sir, that it can be a rather erotic mind-f^ck at times. But I’m just now realizing that it can be affection, not because she begged for it but because He desires to be affection ate with her. May I ask, Sir, do you feel that a Master can be in love with His slave? Can he truly love her, or will that distract from His ability to discipline and mold her?

I don’t wish to be micro-managed, Sir, but at the same time I cannot go from One having complete control to being in control of myself again, on a whim. I am easily confused when One wants control completely but only sometimes, when He has time for it or sneaks away from work to ‘play for a moment’. I don’t understand that type of wishy-washy domination.

I am able to make decisions and stand on my own. And once I surrender to the right One, I wouldn’t mind protecting His property and making those choices based on what He would like best (after I learn his preferences). But deep down, I want to feel His control, His desire for my surrender, that He still wants me as His. Or is that selfish, Sir? I know that so many have been hurt in the past, Sir, and I’m not implying that my pain has been worse than anyone else’s... but I have major abandonment issues. Which is natural after being dropped without a word, or the Guy just disappears. I understand your words, Sir, that I just need to have faith and remove that barrier... but I don’t know if I could pick up the pieces again. I’ve gotten to the point where I need to get over it and move past it... I can truly relate with this quote:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -- Anais Nin

I just... sometimes I think something is wrong with me. There are nights, most nights, I cannot stop crying. I don’t know where all this pain is coming from, my sister says I had kept it all locked away for so long that now I have opened pandora’s box I will never get it shut. And sometimes, I think she is right. Most of the time it is a cleansing emotion, that some kind of peace behind. Other times, I just get so confused that I just want to block everything out again. I don’t want to be clingy or needy, but for the first time – ever – I am able to admit to myself that I do want/need a Master... Daddy... Owner... all of it. Not just “any” guy, but the right one. I’m not desperate or trying to rush, but actually admitting that I hope to meet the right One one day... is liberating to a certain extent (and terrifying!).... is that bad?

Thank you again for listening...
~girl