Overwhelmed

I’m so tired of the drama. It hasn’t been manufactured drama, but natural issues that are coming up. With everything going on, my fibro has been kicking my ass.

So I know how that donkey feels.

First Love

Like an old photograph
Time can make a feeling fade
But the memory of a first love
Never fades away.

~Tim McGraw

I don't think that we ever forget our first loves... whether they are from our puppy love years or as an adult, there will always be something special about hearing from him.

In high school, I was so afraid of being stuck in a small town that I wouldn’t let myself get close to the guys I grew up with. But in college, I met this guy who charmed his way past my walls, sweet talked himself deep into my heart. And for the first time, I was in love. Even though that was (going on) ten years ago, hearing from him always makes me smile. So I was happy when he called tonight, the walk down memory lane was fun.

Reminds me... what I hope to find again, a natural sort of togetherness that can’t be explained.

In the flesh

Nervous.
Scared.
Apprehensive.
Anxious.

“Hi girl.”

Suddenly shy.
Jumpy.
Heart is pounding.
Excited.

His hand in my hair...

Knees are weak.
Heart is racing.
Blood is surging through my body.
Every ounce is aching.

And let’s just say, it got better from here.

Yes, you can say that I have officially been introduced to MathMan.

Always Time for Coffee

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes". The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff". "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand".

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked," he said. "It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend."

So... anyone for drinks? ;)

Quiet

90 days…
2 months, 29 days...
12 weeks (rounded down)…
2160 hours...
129,600 minutes…
7,776,000 seconds.

That’s how long we have been trying to get my Dad help. That was how long I have been juggling caring for him at home, working during the days, managing my fibromyalgia, all while trying to maintain my own sanity.

The dogs barking at nurses going in and out…
Therapists traipsing through the house…
Phone ringing from family calling to check on him…
Ambulances littering the front yard, slam of their doors and clinks of their stretchers...
The tv blaring at all hours because he cannot sleep.
Coughing that lasts all night from trying to catch his breath...
Constant usage of the laundry machines to keep him in clean bed clothes...
Frustrated arguing echoes at night…
Creaking and rattling of the hospital bed.
Fighting and campaigning with doctors, agencies, social workers, begging, pleading for help…
Crashing sounds of loss of balance, exhausted groans of those picking him back up.
Emergency calls from home causing me to leave work early...
Dozens of hours spent in ER's, desperate for help.
Muscles aching from strain, screaming from positioning him.

Late tonight, help was there. Like a beam of peace fighting through the storms.

And now... all’s quiet.
Cold and empty.
Eerily calm.
Silence bounces off the walls.

It’s... different.
I’m not sure that I like this.
I miss him already.

Friends

It’s all running together. Nurses coming in, therapists leaving, phone ringing, begging Doctors, being sent home from emergency rooms, Dad falling, Mom getting hurt, ambulances in the driveway, rescue squads stomping up the steps, gurneys that aren’t stable, and everything else...

Some people have called to check on me/him/us... One family in particular have touched my heart beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. Bringing dinner one night so I didn’t have to cook, helping transport Dad to various hospitals in hopes of getting him admitted. They even came over when he would fall and I didn’t have the strength to pick him back up alone...

Once again, the nurses were telling us to take him to the Emergency Room. This time, I was completely exhausted. With one text message from Mom, they showed up... and helped us get him to the facility that finally admitted him.

On the way to the hospital, we heard this song on the radio... it will forever remind me of this very special family have will forever have a place in my heart. I cannot thank them enough.

Find Out Who Your Friends Are

sung by Tracy Lawerance

You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are

(This is not to say that anyone who wasn't in a position

to be there physically is not my friend, it is just a

way for me to thank this family in particular...

for everything.)

30

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores,
Cry a little less, laugh a little more.
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear,
Figure out just what I’m doing here.
In my next thirty years.

~ Tim McGraw