Brand New Me - Alicia Keys

Brand New Me

Sung by:  Alicia Keys

(last part of the song/lyrics)

Hey, if you were a friend
You'd wanna get to know me again
If you were worth the while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your "OK"
I'll never be perfect,
But at least now I'm brave
I know my heart is open
I can finally breathe
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new kinda free
That ain't bad
I found a brand new kinda me
Don't be mad
It's a brand new time for me

Amanda Seyfried

I think I have fallen in love... Don't get me wrong, I've had a crush on her as an actress ever since I seen her in Big Love.  But to hear her sing... To see her sing... And to top it off, she's singing one of my old favorites!

From what I understand, this is one of her original songs.

True Tests, to Speak or Not to Speak

As I browse the net reading forums, blogs about surrender or mastery, and even skimming profiles on kink sites one thing continues to pop out at me.  People are eager to test their surrender, test their dominance, test test test.  As if not wearing panties to the grocery store will display the depths of someone's true slavery.  Or if by paying her bills he will demonstrate his ability to control her life.  While I do understand and have experienced certain points of pushing boundaries along the way, I'm not fond of tests.  In my humble opinion, life will throw enough tests at the relationship and dynamics without someone's insecurities dreaming them up.  Even early in my surrender, I noticed that those who wish to have these elaborately designed tests the most often stumbled over the everyday opportunities to demonstrate their loyalty   

Yes women are emotional creatures, passionate and moody.  Yes, some women have a tendency to run off at the mouth whenever the mood strikes.  Our very thoughts hurtle themselves past our lips without so much of a hesitation as to how this will reflect not only on the One we serve but also the very nature of our relationships.  I have often witnessed such displays be covered up with a shrug and "well I was jealous", "you shouldn't have been ignoring me", or "I have PMS" or some other crappy  reason that would allow us to do and say as we wish - without any consequences.  And what is worse, many do this with the intention of "well he will do this and that differently if he doesn't want me to do this again"...  Which is a slap in the face of whoever owns that mouthy brat.  

 

I have never been one to believe that a woman "makes only one choice" when it comes to her surrender and service.  I have always felt that true service isn't one decision, but a thousand small choices.  In my experiences, the mouth is the hardest thing to control yet often reflects the most about their relationship.  Yet this is the one part of the dynamic that isn't considered most of the time...

In no way have I accomplished the ability to muffle myself when it is needed the most, but I have developed a way to shut down to a certain degree... Which tends to mean that I have to beg permission in private to voice the thoughts screaming inside my head... Some would argue that that is the best way to handle it, when I wonder if it is realistic to swallow those vocal conflicts and remain focused on serving Him, pleasing Him, obeying Him... rather than manipulating Him?  

I ran across this picture and my mind was spinning.  I hope this entry wasn't too scattered to comprehend.  

ever thoughtful,

elana

Huh?

Over the years, Pixie and I have joked about the crazy stuff we have gone through... Not only with meeting guys, crazy requests, and how some of it is so.... well we are happy to laugh so we don't cry. We have toyed with the idea of writing a book, about the hysterical nightmares that we have survived. While I think it could be a learning experience for novices and perhaps give some hope to those going through the same, I've always been one who is very anti-bullying. I do not handle shaming well so I am hesitant to dish it out to others.

But I have collected a few gems along the way and really want to share them tonight. No names or locations will be revealed, and only the funny parts will be on display. Don't worry, having more context will NOT make it make anymore sense.

From a 'dominant': either i own you or i don't own you no matter if i have collared you or not. stop the bullshit about you don't technically own me.

From a 'submissive': it isn't back peddling it is correcting the stuff i say once it gets out of my mind

From a kinkster: it takes two-three months to get to know you. furthermore it doesn't matter if you ask for pics to soon.... I ask for pics about an hour into the conversation that doesn't make me a pic collector or anything I just want some proof that you are real.

These kind of things make me shake my head... and wish I could call some kind of reality police to go either check to make sure these folk are the legal age or to encourage these people to stop.  To.. Just.. Stop.  

While Pixie and I find this funny and a little sad, we have the experience to know that this is not how it is supposed to be.  Interactions are not supposed to go this way, not even within the realms of power exchange.  Unfortunately, many novices out there are not this informed... Please if you are new, please seek out your local groups to learn and mentor with someone you trust.  There are amazing books that offer a wealth of information.  Here is an example, make sure that you look over the 'related book' section at the bottom of the page.  

touch

If a Dominant is the center of a submissive’s universe, 
it is because she thinks so, 
not because he does. 
~ J. Mikael Togneri

Maybe that’s what I have been looking for. 
When storms and rockslides threaten, 
I am looking for someone who will hold on to me and not let go. 
 ~Courtney Milan

Collaring Versus Ownership

How long did it take for you to obtain your collar?  What process did you go through for your collar?  - Thank you Submissive Journal Prompts for this topic.

It always strikes me as funny when people refer to 'modern thoughts' as 'Old Guard'.  When I began exploring my surrender, I was honored to be part of a very real very underground Old Guard group.  I was allowed to attend, learn, and train with them for a little over a year before I became active in my local munch and discussion groups.  To be very honest, I miss the Old Guard Group, the munch folk not so much.  I didn't know the group I was originally involved with was "Old Guard" until much later.  We referred to ourselves as "like minded friends" and the core beliefs were respect and honesty.  I'm going into all of this to say that I never heard of 'stages of collaring' until the modern group.  To me, it is like being a little bit pregnant.  You either are or you aren't.  Period.

Are you familiar with the terms "phases of collaring" or even worse, "a collar of consideration"?  If not, please brush up on the lingo by peeking over here.  Nothing bad against the group or those who feel this is a necessary step in building a power exchange relationship... but it's just not for me.  

The first time I heard of a consideration collar was when a submissive friend of mine (back in the day) Red was given an orange ribbon by "the Master considering her" - she explained to me that the collar marked her as his if he decided he still wanted her later.  She served him faithfully, they had sex, they had S/m interaction, everything you would do with a "real Master" she did with him -- he just got to see other people too.  After the newness of their relationship wore off, he moved on to someone else with his ribbon of consideration and she was left alone... But she was single just like before, he didn't really owned her, he just kind of... leased her for a few weeks.  I'm trying my best not to be all judgey  and I don't hold it against Red or Reds-Friend - I just know deep down, it is not for me.

Even to this day, I loathe the term "consideration collar".  I usually do not along well with those who wish to put me in a collar of consideration.  To me, it brings up the image of being placed in lay-away so He can continue to browse around the store, constantly looking for something better, and if nothing else catches his eye - then maybe he will go back and purchase me.  I know that sounds a little crazy but it truly infuriates me.  In my experience, those who wished to engage me in such a "relationship" use it in a way to keep me as a back-up plan - just in case he doesn't meet someone he likes better.

I have also met boys who use a "collar of consideration" to keep the power in the relationship.  Because the only way he can "make her submit" is by constantly reminding her that she isn't "worthy of his real collar".  (That also tends to leave me going, 'huh?')

About ten years ago, this guy I was seeing really hurt my feelings by saying that he "didn't need to piss on my leg" to be my Dominant.  I didn't understand it then, but I do now... Sometimes people put so much focus on the "steps of collaring" and the ceremonies and contracts and whatnot - that they forget how a relationship needs to build, develop, and strength before One can truly own another... Hmm maybe there is a difference in ownership and collaring... 

I sincerely feel that if I am learning about someone, and he is learning about me, I don't need a collar of consideration is necessary.  But then again, I'm from the mindset that He should date the girl and learn of her slowly, before tying a piece of floss around her neck and making her "earn his REAL collar".  Well if I'm truly going to put all my cards on the table, I sincerely feel that a collar is just decoration - that it is a physical symbol of ownership but unless my spirit and my heart are truly possessed by Him and my body belongs to Him... just saying that "I am collared" doesn't really do much for me.  

I don't want to "be collared" - I need to be owned. 

random thoughts

If he is indeed wise, he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind. ~Kahlil Gibran~

Sometimes the only purpose behind things, is that He wants it. 

Sydney University

Sometimes it is the little things that make me giggle, this is an example.

WARNING: Sydney University and all other institutions and or individuals using this site or its associated sites for projects or personal - You do not have permission from me to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal action.

I always have this image of someone trying to plagiarize someone else's words and coming across that statement and then they are like... "aww darn, I can't use this now."  Part of me always wants to write whoever has this posted and suggest that if things are "a violation of your privacy" then maybe it shouldn't be posted on the internet. 

Sometimes it is the little things that makes me giggle.

flare-up

I found this picture randomly and feel that it captures what a flareup feels like... if you could see the pain.