discouraged

I've really been struggling the last few months, I've become so discouraged... I am learning how to manage my condition but I don't know how to integrate that in with my surrender or my relationships.  When I start to get to know someone, I begin to want more for Him... more than someone who is chronically ill... more than someone who has severe fatigue... more than someone who has a broken heart... more than someone with a short life expectancy and building medical bills... I want more for Him... like someone who can participate in bondage and positioning for as long as He wants without having to worry abotu muscle spasms or joint swelling... someone who can just be more of what he needs.  

I wouldn't pick this for my life, I didn't pick this... so I really don't understand why someone would pick a partner who has a chronic illness... why would someone do that to himself? 

Yes yes, I've heard "elana you are sweet and kind"...  "elana you are thoughtful and considerate" ... "elana you are obedient and cute".... yes but those things only go so far...

Sometimes I get so distracted by my limits that I can't see myself for my condition... and if I can't see it, no one else will be able to either.

So what's the point in looking and trying?

Maybe I just need a real break...  

flare-up

I found this picture randomly and feel that it captures what a flareup feels like... if you could see the pain. 

Peek a boo! I see me!

I know how this feels, every time I meet someone that I really like and have to reveal about my condition. Or I meet a vanilla guy that I like and I want to share parts of my kinky side with him.  Normally talking about these things will make me a nervous wreck, but this video clip makes me laugh!  I have definitely played out my share of conversations in my head - although I'm not as creative (in their responses) as Dexter.

I'm not sure if it is the product of my experiences or a certain level of maturity I am reaching... but I'm not so worried with revealing 'my secret' as I used to be.  Either the person will accept me or not, and then that's that.  It doesn't mean that I can't accept myself just because he can't deal.  I don't want to be subject to the whim of those I meet anymore, it doesn't change who I am or what I have to offer.  

I'm far from perfect, but there are a lot more people out there who are much more messed up than I am.  And for today, that's enough for me.

Thinking of her

I think that the nights are the hardest... It's not that I miss her more at night, maybe it is where there is less to try and distract me?  I'm still not sleeping... my mind goes to those nights we stayed up late, laughing to The Nanny... I can't even find those shows on basic cable anymore!  At least after Dad passed, I could still watch shows we watched together - but Mom's shows do not come on the Hallmark channel at night anymore.


I feel a little more peace tonight than I have felt in a long time... maybe the shock is wearing off a bit?  Maybe I've just gone completely numb to it all... maybe its the meds I'm taking for this flare-up finally mixing in a good way with the meds I've been taking to keep me from completely breaking down emotionally and mentally?  


Here are a few of Mom's favorite moments from The Nanny... she used to tell me to make sure and wake her up when the episodes got to some of these parts.. 

I miss you.

I miss Pixie- its been weeks since we really talked... 

I miss my Dad.  I can't believe its only been 16 months since he has been gone... and in the next breath I can't believe its already been 16 months. 

I miss MsJ.... she has been gone a little over four years and I still cannot go to her grave.  I still want to call her, like tonight...

I'm so scared, Mom is really sick again. 

I hate feeling this overwhelmed.

I hate how alone I feel.

I feel so guilty for dumping my emotional baggage on my ImaginaryFriend.  I have to find a health way to get through all of this... 

We interrupt this blog...

We interrupt this blog to announce that the Nemisis of the Author has struck again!  Yes Fibroymalgia is raising havoc and spreading grief.  While only one has been strongly injured, many are experiencing the ripple of unrest it brings.  Emotions are running high, peace and tranquility have fallen off the charts.  We are advising others to steer clear, we repeat: steer clear of the area!  There looks to be no productive assistance in site, perhaps tomorrow will be better.

And now back to your regularly scheduled blogposts. 

2010

 Looking back on my resolutions from 2010, I see that (while I have traveled the long hard road to get here), I think I am where I need to be at the closing of this year. 

While 2010 was a very difficult one, I have been very blessed.  Yes I lost my Dad (RIP), but he is finally at peace and in no more pain - for that I am thankful.  Yes I have been through medical hell the last seven months, but it has reminded me that life is too short to be wasted.  Yes I have spent the last three weeks sick with pneumonia, but it has brought my family closer together.  

Goodbye 2010, thank you for your blessings in disguise but I truly hope that 2011 is kinder and brings more laughter than tears, more joy than pain, and a hell of a lot more fun. 

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author Unknown 

Remember Thumper

" If you can't say something nice,
don't say nothing at all." 

It's been a rough few weeks, caught up in a fibro/lupus flare up while recovering from the pneumonia.  Things at home are good, I'm recovering and feeling better each day...  But work... Oh work... Let's just say that I have had this on my mind while I've been working -- which is why I've been quiet. :) 

Remembering Thumper has made me think of Dad, he used to say "Now, elana, remember Thumper".   Somehow it has made me miss him a little less during the holidays...

True Strength

 by purplekit94 on Polyvore.com

I am strong, because I am weak.

I am beautiful, because I know my flaws.

I am a lover, because I am a fighter.

I am fearless, because I have been afraid.

I am wise, because I have been foolish.

And I can laugh, because I've known sadness.

These words have given me strength lately...

Update

Pneumonia + Lupus = 
A very sick girl  

Thank you Puppy for checking on me, hope you recover smoothly quickly too!  I must say, your way of taking your temp sounds much more fun than the way I am doing it. ;-) 

I Haz A Bug

Being sick sucks.

I miss being able to breathe without coughing.

I miss having a voice.

I miss not having to check my temperature all the time.

And I miss my Dad... He was the best at taking care of me while I was sick.  But I am making it.   

a bad day

by purplekit94 on Polyvore.com

A bad fibro/lupus day.