A Wish...

This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.

~ Anonymous

Sounds like Life

I’m BEYOND exhausted. I’m in fibro related pain. I’m sleep deprived. I’m emotionally drained and there is still more to do. Dad is getting worse. Work is non-stop. My family is... I just wish I had help, a little more help... some kind of help. Support comes in the oddest of fashions, for example… this song has helped a lot. Its better than nothing.

Sounds Like Life To Me by Darryl Worley

Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy

It’s just a common case of everyday reality

Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up

To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy

It sounds like life to me

Sounds like life to me plain old destiny

Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty

You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride

Get used to all this unpredictability

Sounds like life

Man I know its tough but you gotta suck it up

To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy

Sounds like life to me

Sounds like life

Click here to listen.

Being Interesting

He looked on her, intently. He studied her. He gave her great attention. She turned her head to one side, her wrists secured in many turns of the binding fiber, her fists clenched. I knew that on earth many men did not even know their wives. They did not truely look upon them. Never, truly, had they seen them. But a Gorean master will know every inch, and care for every inch, of one of his slave girls. He will know every hair, every sweet blemish of her. In a way she is nothing to him, for she is only a slave. But in another way she is very important to him. She is one of his women. He will know her. He will want to know her completely, every inch of her body, every inch of her mind. Nothing less will satisfy him. She is his property. He will choose to know his property thoroughly.
~Hunters of Gor, page 145

...the slave girl is not simply someone with whom the man lives; she is very special to him; she is a treasured possession; he owns her; he wants to know her; profoundly and deeply; the background, history, the mind, the intelligence, the appetites, the nature and disposition of his lovely article of property; this knowledge, of course, puts her more at his mercy; by making it possible to manipulate her feelings, exploit weaknesses, drop asides, ect., she in the helpless condition of slavery, it gives him more power over her.
~Tribesmen of Gor, page 42

I love this quote, I like the idea of this, but I fear the actual intense "know everything" connection... fear it in a good way. I know that I need a more positive view of myself, but I want so badly to please that... I cannot help but wonder if I will be able to. MathMan and I talk about this a good bit, I am thankful for His patience with me. He tells me that I worry too much, but I'm don't know how to stop. Pixie and I agree that neither of us want Someone to be a mindreader, but at least being interested in hearing what we have to say or what we think, etc. I like that about MathMan... I like that a lot. Yes I want His opinion. Yes I want His views. But He also helps me... anchor myself in a certain sense. Which is a very very good thing.

Whew

Grace and Smokey came up this morning, spent the day taking care of Dad, and worked on the house. When I came home, everything looked great, something good was in the oven, and Dad was resting. So all in all, it went good. I am very thankful for their help, and hope that it allows me to go to bed rather early tonight.

~elana

Responses

You cannot tailor-make the situations in life but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations.
~ Zig Ziglar

This expression has really been put to the test lately. I have spent a good bit of time, over the last week, biting my tongue with certain family members. As I blogged earlier this week, a lot has been going on in my world. However tonight, I found out that Grace and Smokey are coming up tomorrow to be with Dad, so I can return to work. I am grateful, truly, that they are actually going to come up and help... But at the same time, this week has been very difficult because of the emotional responses various conversations with each of them have brought on.

With my fibromyalgia, I have to be cautious about how upset/worked up I allow myself to become. For a long time, I didn't think I was making progress until this last crisis. I have been able to keep myself from spiraling negatively down that rabbit hole, then again I have had a new form of support this time around... that helped more than anyone will ever know. MathMan was there. Not physically, but emotionally, He was there to listen to me, offer support, and reminding me that I cannot change other people's choices. I hope that He knows how much it helped, and how much it meant to me.

To MathMan: Thank you Sir for being there for me...

Domestic Distress

my Dad has been sick lately and I have been taking care of him, cleaning the house, cooking, fetching his iced water, helping my Mom with her daily things, and pretty much juggling a million things in addition to my job. Normally, my Dad does most of the domestic chores (such as cooking and dishes), while Mom and I help with other things, like laundry and picking up/vacuuming. This breakdown of chores is because Mom and I both work, while Dad is at home. Since he has been sick, 99.9% of the chores have fallen to me, even the part Mom used to help with. Oh and I have to take care of Dad too, checking on him, getting things for him, etc. I don't mind, I know he needs me right now. I know Mom is upset with what is going on with him, but to be honest... I'm getting damned tired.

This experience has confirmed to me that I have no desire/intention to being a domestic slave EVER again. Yes I did it once, a half dozen years ago, but that was because I was convinced that was all I have to offer Someone. I know differently now. Please allow me to say this loud and proud, working AND handling housekeeping shit is for the birds! I understand that housework must be done, but I don't understand the concept of only ONE person doing it. It isn't right, it isn't fair, and it isn't for me. Does this make me unslavelike? Probably, but I am being very honest and I think that is the most important part of serving Another.

Now that I think about it, there is a major difference between being One's slave and One's servant. Yes I desire to be under the control of Another, and if He chooses to have me clean His house, I will obey. But I don't feel it is something to be expected automatically. I used to, but I have been through so many partners that took advantage of that fact, that I don't want to be used in that fashion again. To me, service is about making His life easier/better, not about enabling His ability to be lazy and not do a damn thing. Part of ownership, whether it be house or slave, is responsibility. So wouldn't One be responsible for upkeep, maintenance, etc of the item in question? Wouldn't that include his house? For example, Grace is married to Smokey, who was domestically lazy. If she didn't get up and make him a sandwhich, he would go hungry. That is ridiculous! I don't want to do something for Someone because without me He would starve/parish, I want to do something for Him because it pleases Him and I because I want to do it.

I do wish to please my Owner. I do wish to serve my Owner in the manner that will please Him. But I have come to realize that I do need certain consideration when it comes to my condition. Some girls may be able to be a very happy house mouse but I don't think I would flourish in that situation. I am a people person, and there are some fibro-days where I would not be able to do the chores required to keep a spotless house.

It is not that I am lazy or feel that I am superior to cleaning. It is just that with my fibromyalgia, my Owner will have to decide what He prefers... a clean house without having to lift a finger... or a willing eager girl in His bed. Because I lack the energy to do both.

A Compass

To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long. ~Marlene Dietrich

This quote is so true! Pixie and I have talked about this many times, when we are with someone who isn't strong enough for us, to truly guide us, attitudes turn negative and sometimes nasty. I'm not the kind of girl to 'top from the bottom' but sometimes I do need to test the waters. I have to make sure that the person I am involved with, has a strong enough sense of self to stand toe-to-toe with me. I don't like guys who bend their will all the time, completely surrendering to whatever I want them to do. Sometimes it is important to compromise, but at his timing, not mine.