Guiding her...

A Master, if He is indeed wise,
does not bid you enter the house of His wisdom,
but rather leads you to the threshold
of your own mind.
~ Kahlil Gibran The Prophet

A deeply respected friend gave a girl this quote, and she wished to post it as it speaks volumes to what she desires. A leader to guide one through her own fears, desires, needs, fetishes, and imagination of her dreams. But to be able to do that, He must first know His own mind, heart, and desires.... Yes it sounds delicious indeed.

Desires...

Aching...

Longing...

Craving...

Hungry for His Dominance..

Intense need for surrender..

His little girl..

His slave...

For His service..

His pleasure...

Still waiting for Him to find me..

In Him, a Compass

To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long.
~Marlene Dietrich~


I love this picture, it speaks volumes to me as a slave. His grip on her, the relaxation on her face to be near Him, the picture is so grounding that I actually find myself a bit jealous of the peace she has.

Someone gave me this quote and I thought the two were a perfect match. I can relate 100% with this quote, feeling a lack of direction in my own life because of the absence of a Master. I was speaking with someone who identified me quickly, recognizing my need for a controlling Daddy Master in my life, to allow me to be that little girl slave for Him in every way, whatever way, He desired me. From the innocent girl He cherishes to the whoreish slut who aches and burns to serve Him in every twisted sexual fantasy He can imagine .

I know that this will come for me, that I just need to be patient. When I am impatient is when I jump into things that I truly do not need in my life.

Sticks and Stones

Tolerance is something that should be practiced by everyone. Especially those of us in a lifestyle that is considered alternate than the 'norm'. I don't understand how someone with outrageous kinks and personal preferences that would cause an open minded girl to blush, could look down his nose because of someone else's choices. This kind of stupidity drives me crazy.

Society always puts people in the spotlight in a negative way, critiquing anything that is different than everyone else. From weight to hair color to personal preferences. As a community that embraces kinks, fetishes, and adult fun, why would we turn our back on someone else who doesn't do what we do? It makes no freaking sense and to be honest I think it is hypocritical! I could not serve someone with this funnel vision ~ if He turns this kind of arrogance to others who have different kinks, how would he respond to mine?

Foster Daddy

He knew I wasn't feeling good... He knew that I was going through some rough stuff with J... and as always, He knew exactly how to cheer me up. He sent me the most wonderful present in the whole wide world!!

There is a man in my life who I hope will always be there. Once upon a time, He was my Daddy. We have had our ups and downs, but He can still bring out the little girl part of me... It seems to come so natural for Him, it feels so right for me. We both accept the fact we cannot be more than we are now, Friends with mutual enjoyment of the power exchange between us. I am ok with that now, it took a while to get to this point. But now I can truly appreciate our friendship and can still think of Him as 'Daddy'. He wants what is best for me, and even wants me to find the right One! Which is totally cool. Plus he has wonderful taste in coloring books and cartoons. :)

Closing of Chapter 'J'

Nothing. For days. For over a week.

The worst part is, I knew this was coming. This is the feeling that I couldn't shake. The question becomes, did I know He would disappear in the beginning? Or is this the self-fulfilling prophecy at work again?

I keep hearing the same song on the radio, no matter what station I put it on, no matter when I turn the radio on. Even my internet radio was belting it out. I don't know if He is married or not. At this point, I don't care. Its easier to think that He is married and didn't know what to do, than to admit that He just didn't want me. The worst part is that a very small part of me... hopes that -- no I don't want a call or email from Him explaining where He has been. That's a lie, yes I do. Very much so! But that isn't realistic and makes me feel so desperate.

Its just... The thing is, its hard for that part of me to feel connected with another person, and He touched that slave part inside. That's what took me so off guard, that's what messed my head up so much. She is so guarded and protected, yet from nowhere... He made her come back to life and I don't want to loose her again. I know in my head that I don't need Him to keep her, but... right now, she feels that way. The slave part of me has been through so much, even before I began keeping this blog, that adding "you just weren't good enough" to it may cause her to shut down again. In my head I know that it wasn't about me not being good enough or my slave side being good enough -- it was about that desperate need for control that balances out the amount of control I have surrendered.

I hate this. I hate that as I get to know someone dominant, they begin to make these requests of my obedience. Why do they do that? Normally I brush them off, paying them no mind... but with J I was eager to please Him and He was more than willing to give me restrictions. I needed to be in service so badly that maybe I just clung to the first one who got through my walls. For a little while, obeying Him made that ache within go away... and for that, I will always be grateful. But then to loose it just as quickly as it appeared...

I hate feeling like if I let go, I will never get all the pieces picked up. Maybe my next chapter will be more reflection... or is it possible to spend to much time in reflection? Someone told me recently to just let go and have fun. I can't let go until someone else has control, I know keeping myself locked up isn't the same thing as control... but I don't know if I can handle falling to pieces. Not like I have it all together right now.

Maybe I'm just hiding behind this tight isolating level of "self-control"? I'm already crying and I doubt my heart will stop completely, so what is the worst that could happen if I did let go...

Time

Horoscope for Jan 17th:

You may feel you are treading water at the moment but keep persisting. The Universe is not denying your ambitions - they have just been temporarily delayed.


I hope this is true, so far the new year is off to a very rough start.

Foolish Girl

I can be so stupid sometimes. I went through this phase were I wasn't myself... Its no excuse. I want to learn control, even in those moments. I need to learn to be patient with myself and that would allow me to be patient with Others.

I still haven't *you know*. I know that I can if I want too, but I have lost my need to touch myself. As foolish as it sounds, I feel like I would be disobeying...

Doing a lot of thinking, taking it one day at a time. I have a new motto I want to truly embrace in 08:

~ Whatever will be, will be. ~

Just... Quiet

Today has been quiet so far. Last night was oddly calm and for the most part, I was just quiet.

I thought that I was over things that happened in my past. I thought that I had moved on from those fears and this week I'm learning that I really haven't. I've moved on, but I'm still holding on to some of that pain and it is causing me to be fearful of going through it again. In my head, I know that People are different and I don't hold someone else responsible for another's sins... but my heart still gets scared. One day things are fine, the next the bottom falls out of it.

A Friend told me that I tend to be a handful at first, because I need to know that the other Person can handle the rest of me, can offer that source of control that I need so badly. But I don't like the thought that I'm 'testing' anyone because I'm really not. I just... maybe I'm addicted to Someone being in control.

Maybe I’m so afraid of being hurt again that I sabotage and self-destruct.

I still believe that if I am obeying instructions and keeping Someone’s pleasure/desires before my own, I should be able to ‘expect’ something in return, even if it is just a few moments of His time.

I am thinking about Him... a lot. If He wants me to leave Him alone I wish He had the courage to tell me. If He is married, I wish He would tell me. I know that I barely know Him but its been so long since I felt a connection this intense, and... I didn't want to lose it. my Friend thinks that He is married, part of me is still hoping that He's just been insanely busy this week... and last week...

Letting Go

I have no more expectations for anyone. I am not pouting, I just... I'm not 'owed' anything from anyone, at all. So I'm letting go.

The only person I should be going to to get my nees met, is me. Its not fair for me to put them off on another Person. Even if I feel it is in exchange for something else. Because unless the other person actually makes the effort to meet those needs, its not an exchange. I don't have the right to expect anything -- granted its trying to get a need fulfilled, but its no one's responsibility to do that than mine.

So I'm letting go.

Whatever is meant to be, will be.

Surrender

I don't do much of anything half way. I give 100% at work. I give 100% to my family. I give 150% when I submit to Someone. The problem with that is, I need something back. I don't need hours of His undivided attention... but I do need those little 'three minute actions'. Things like, a quick call to allow me to hear His voice or a text message telling me to 'remember to be pleasing to Him'. Even something like telling me to drink water or kool-aid the rest of the night, or to take a long hot shower imaging my hands are His hands and bringing myself close but to deny release until He allows it.

I need those little acts of control, I thrive on them. They feed my surrender in ways that I cannot even describe. When I beg for those small acts of control, its because I am starving for them. I need to serve as strongly as I need to breath. I don't know how to be a 'part-time girl', that's why I can't do casual play/sex. With me, it is all or nothing because that's what I surrender... everything.

Transferred from written journal posted for date originally written.

Needy Angel

Being home is difficult on the little girl. She can't take those things with her that would normally comfort her. No crayons, coloring books, paci, stickers, or sparkley fidget-y things. I feel so disconnected, and I don't know how to put it in words.

Talking with a Friend tonight revealed that I have always been high maintenance. Not in the fact that I want large amounts of attention/time, but in the fact that the small things are what matters the most. He also said that it is very difficult for a Man, especially a Dominant Man, to understand since it tends to be a "girly thing".

I try to be a good girl, I really do. I don't touch without permission. I behave in a way that would please Daddy. But sometimes I have to stomp my foot for a little bit because no matter what I do, I can't communicate exactly what I need. I'm not very patient, usually I am with others and only impatient with myself... but for some reason... I am having a very hard time being patient now.

The little girl needs to know that Daddy misses her, thinks of her, and wants to talk to her -- even if it is just for a second.

The slave side is restless, hungry for ways to please Him.

Transferred from written journal posted for date originally written.

little girl

I have been in little girl cuddly mode all day.

Thinking of Him, wanting to cuddle up with Him..

Just to be in the same room as Him...

Thoughts

But do not fear...you will come into the possession of one who will not only accept your slavery, in its beauty, tenderness, needfulness, honesty and truth.. for whom you will be a treasure, an incredible and marvelous treasure.. one to be kept under the closest of disciplines.

~John Norman

my picture of the balanced relationship and life is one that has all of the elements of the happy couple next door with the strong foundation of ownership and responsibility on His part and submission and service on my part.

It is one thing to own a woman, and it is another to have her within the bonds of an excellent mastery.

~Magicians of Gor

Still feeling the calm. Even though I can still feel His presence I am missing Him.

Going out of town for a few days, will try to blog from my cell until I return.

He has granted permission for me to switch to a written journal instead of this blog until I return. When I come back I will enter things as late entry, noted on the bottom. Thank you Sir.

After the Storm

Today was a hectic one, yet I have been calm all day. I don't know if it was because I was stressing before, I have stopped fighting my feelings for Him, maybe last night I truly accepted the connection to Him... But I felt Him today... all day. I was beyond being ok... because Daddy was there. During the chaos I felt the gentleness of His touch, the comfort of His control. In uncomfortable situations today, I felt the brush of His caress that reminded me that the only viewpoint I should concern myself with... is His.

Today was parents 50th birthday parties, combined. Family, friends, and Mom's co-workers came together for a big celebration. Everyone had a good time, karoke was wild with that crowd! I'm so glad that stress is over, and the best part is... the party was wild, but I was calm. I had to go through the conversations that normally upset me, but today, the feeling of His presence kept me at peace.

I like this peace, I needed this calm, and I hope it lingers... as long as possible.

It Just Clicked

I just got it.

I am not a submissive, not deep down. I am a slave. I can only ask His forgiveness for my actions up to this point, the constant begging and fight against His request and my own desires. I didn’t realize that by asking for release, I was questioning His control. I get that now.

It’s not enough to say that I want to please Him. It’s not enough to say that I want to serve Him. I don’t obey only when it is convenient to me, I obey to serve and please Him. I have bitched, moaned, cried, cursed, gotten angry and begged for time and attention... yet I have not had release without His permission.

I don’t want to be manipulative and I try so hard not to be. I don’t think that I am but I can see where I could be. But honest it isn’t on purpose.

Sir, I am so very sorry that I have fought You for control. I truly do wish to please You, serve You.

Frustration

Emotionally demanding

High maintenance

Clingy

Needy

I did it again.

I need a little bit of attention, damnit. Its not wrong to want a little attention in return for acts of submission. I am obeying His restriction of personal pleasure and I can't even get a response back from a message or an email or anything. Maybe He doesn't have time for me. Today is the fourth day again and not only do I need to have release, its making me pissy. Because I am fighting this all day long, I am constantly having to remind myself not to touch, not to rock that certain way, because He hasn't said I can. Well He hasn't said shit in a few days, I got a text message yesterday saying hello... the sad part is that it made my day.

Does He know what this feels like? How difficult it is for me to go four days without a release? Here I am, trying to contact Him, reaching out to Him and getting nothing in return. Yet, I can't bring myself to disobey Him and touch my own body. I know He has a lot going on, but I was as honest as possible with Him about how much attention I need and that I do need some time with Him.

I don't know what to trust... His words, or His lack of actions.

Fantasy

Leaving the restaurant, she can barely stand it. her body is on fire with need, thighs squeeze tight as she struggles for another touch to her aching clit. His laughter only causes her to squirm more in the seat. Hands begin to touch her breasts, outline hard nipples visible through her top.

‘No touching’ He says; His eyes dark and sexy, able to see straight through her causing her to whimper and melt even more.

Unusually quiet as He drives, her soft panting fogs up the passenger side window to His amusement. He talks of the dinner, of the day, as if nothing had taken place between T/them. Every few miles, He reaches over and takes a handful of dark hair, tightens His fist at the base of her skull to cause her to moan and to ensure she remains in heat for Him. Eases His hand from her hair, she brings His fingers to her lips. Soft kisses, gentle licks of her tongue before she sucks one deep into her mouth. Eyes meet His, as if pleading, shiny with her arousal. One hand eases to His lap to gently rub at Him, as she begs once more for release.

Pulling into a seemingly deserted rest stop, ‘Don’t move.’ He exits the car and comes round to her side, opens the door, hand in her hair once more but as He pulls her face closer, His cock brushes her lower lip. With a loud moan, she suckles Him down quickly, almost swallows the head of His cock in her eagerness to please Him. Lips tight around Him as He fucks her face with quick short strokes, her muffled moans and whimpers around His cock pushing Him closer to the edge.

All at once He backs up, pulling from her mouth with a slurpy whimper. His hand in her hair drags her from the car and bends her over the back, needfully she thrusts her ass back towards Him. Cool breeze on her bare creamy ass as He lifts her skirt, one stroke He enters her. Grunting as she pushes back on Him, His hand in her hair driving her crazy. Sound of His body slapping against hers mixed with her loud moaning and the string of filth spilling from her lips as she orgasms draw attention from an officer who was patrolling the rest stop.

Releasing her hair and hip, she turns and lowers, lips licking at His cock before He slips back into her mouth. Her fingers unbutton her blouse and free breasts from the bra, making her body available for His pleasure. Focused on Him, she doesn’t notice the police officer watching, one hand on his fly.

Begging Him to cover her body in His orgasm, pleading with Him to paint her as His with His cum, one hand offers up a heavy breast as the other strokes His length until hot streams of fluid anoint her as His.

With a chuckle, He calls hello to the cop and motions Him over. Her cheeks flame crimson as she tries to cover up, yet a look from Him makes her release the blouse.

~ To be continued ~

Desperate for release, can't get this thought out of my mind... I hope He enjoys the story.

Another Look

I have used this picture before, on a previous post, Yet Always Herself, when I first seriously started reflecting on my wants and my needs. As I have mentioned before, I spent last year learning more of myself. Not only did I need to come to terms with the emotional baggage I had at that point, but also relearning to love my body.

Tonight, I watched a tv show where the host took a plus size woman who hated her body and taught her to love it. I had a similar experience last February when I read ‘Good in Bed’ by Jennifer Weiner. The book is amazing and the main character is a plus sized girl. The book took the character on a journey of self-acceptance and the end of the book reminded me reminded how beautiful we all are.

As I sat down to blog about this, I am reminded of this sonnet by William Shakespeare I loved in high school, not because its so syrupy sweet and all mushy... but because it was so realistic. He writes about the things that are classically ‘wrong’ with his love, but states he loves her anyway. I think that is what makes love real, when you can see past the physical lust, the sexual attraction, the beautiful features, and see the imperfections... and love that person anyway.

Anyway, I have gotten a lot of my confidence back in many areas of my life, but I need to try and become more confident sexually. I like how my body feels and looks, but I'm never sure how others see me. I have a Friend who reminded me that this is the kind of thing I have been taught in the past, that has me thinking expecting negative feedback, either verbal or physical, instead of keeping my thoughts positive. Professionally, I know that a bad behavior/habit takes six weeks of consistent enforcement to become a good behavior/habit. I think this is why consistency is so important to me. I have my fingers crossed, that I may know Someone who would be willing to... 'help' me with this. :)

The pain of the last few days has melted away to leave me exhausted today. I am almost ashamed to say that I have slept the whole day. I would wake up for a half hour or so, drink some water and watch a little TV, then next thing I know I'm waking up again several hours later. It was nice, it was needed, it was relaxing. However, I did wake up several times with my hands on my body in ways that He may not approve of. I didn't actually do anything, except work myself up to needing some cold water and something to try and get my mind off of how hot I was. Again, He wishes me to abstain from self-indulgence and I want (even more so now) to please Him. Even though my nails are biting into my palms with the struggle to keep hands away from aching nipples and hot wet places. It is harder for me physically because just thinking of Him.... but also, a little easier mentally for me this time, because I am beginning to see how better it can be at His whim... Which is what is making it harder for me physically! ;-)

Him

I love this picture, the amusement on His face and her body language. This represents how I felt this evening. Even though I was excited about meeting Him, spending time with Him... I was not prepared for how intense it was for me.

It’s been five hours, and I can still feel Him. His hand in my hair. Tightness of His grip in my hair. Warmth of His breath against my skin. Bite of His teeth on my ear. Oh my goodness! My hands are still trembling. I don’t know if it is the connection we already established, my hunger for the control of Another, W/we were strongly attracted to the O/other, or if He’s just that damn good.

Today was O/our first meeting. O/our first touch. All I can remember is the look in His eyes... the touch of His hands... how good He smelled... and how strongly I felt His control. I couldn’t move, I just... wanted to please Him... serve Him... and all I could think about was how much I wanted Him. He was in my head, giving me answers to questions I was thinking. This is new for me, and I hope it was as good for Him!

To say that I was aroused is an understatement, I’m still turned on. At least I had the courage to ask for permission tonight, of course He said no, which only made me want to more! I’m grateful He gave me permission last night, I would have died today!

I want to please Him, more so than I have wanted to serve Anyone for a very long time. This is new for me; I’m not sure what comes next. So I will follow His lead, eager to please Him.

To All a Good Night

I'm almost that tired.
Three days, two nights, and a total of four hours sleep,
counting the hour and a half I got earlier this evening.

I am still walking around for two reasons:
1. He said I can have release tonight.
(Thank goodness because this is day four and I'm dying,
but still wanting to please Him more. So YAY!)
And
2. I want to spend more time with Him.
(Yes that makes me all kind of needy,
but I need to be as honest with Him as possible.)

Soft Whimpers

Emotionally raw, can't get comfortable..
Crying until her head hurts...
Not even a movie/cartoon soothes...
Angry with herself for pouting...


There is a little girl who can't sleep tonight...
Hundred of things are going through her head...
Body hurts from shoulders to toes...
Paci just makes her feel more alone...


Maybe I just need to be tucked in.

Hopes Are Great for '08

Today has been a rough day. I didn’t sleep well at all last night, maybe two or three hours at the most. My shoulders and legs were cramping up really bad, although it eased up a little once I started working. I just got back from a grocery ‘big shop’ ($1200 worth), it was my first one I did by myself and my body is very angry with me right now. My shoulders and upper back hurts bad but it hurts worse to try and lay down.

This year I need to do better about not fighting against my fibro, learning to work with it so that I can continue to do what I need to do without these painful side affects. Then again, I need to do MUCH better about making sure I get a massage each month, I think that is part of my pain now (I haven’t had a massage since September). Hmmm maybe I’ll go lay down on my massaging mat, which is if my headache will allow me too. I do love my ‘Matty’.

In addition to the fibro-related plans for 2008, I am adding these goals.

I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself. ~Anais Nin

I don’t want to define my view of myself by those around me. In 2007 my focus was getting to know myself, develop a better understanding of my needs and desires. In 2008 I hope to be able to continue this resolution, and open myself to Others.

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anais Nin

This quote reminds me that personal experiences and different ways of thinking always sway points of view. This year, I want to seek to understand, and then to be understood. A lot of disagreements and altercations come from misunderstandings. Maybe these misunderstandings can be prevented, by making an honest attempt to understand the other person than to be understood by everyone.

So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key. ~The Eagles