Temptations

Photo by Marcus Ranum

He's not the first to tell me to abstain from masturbation. He is, however, the first One in a long time that I have obeyed.

Sexual heat is something I experience quiet frequently, but normally I deal with it and move on... now I am forced to simmer in its fire. The worst part is, the louder my body screams for release, the more I think of His words. ‘When W/we come together in that way you will see it to have been worth it.’ Imagining His hand in my hair... His bite on my neck... Thinking about being together with Him in that way, only makes me more aroused! It’s a vicious cycle. :) Yet... I expect that He knew the directive would only make me think about how I am not allowed to touch myself, and that it would make me only want to touch myself more!

This is only day two -- three days is as long as I have been able to go in the past. I think the reason my mind is going crazy right now is because I have had to watch a movie that normally get me going. (ie: Blade, Underworld, Van Helsing, Indiana Jones, etc.) One of them came on 'On Demand' and my staff wanted me to watch with them.

Then, while looking through my pictures to find inspiration for a blog entry, I found some pictures on my computer that I greatly enjoy fantasy wise, but I shouldn't look at right now. Hmm... maybe it was a bad choice considering my current desire to obey Him... in spite of what my body is begging for.

Maybe it will get easier the longer it goes?

Ugh its only day two!! I don't think I'll make it...

But I do wish to please Him.

Update: 8:49p my intentions were to log on and report that a cold shower and some meditation helped ease my 'state', because it did. However, when I logged on tonight to add it to my entry, I had a message from Him... and it ignited me all over again. I do want to surrender my own needs of this to His pleasure, His will, and His timetable. I no longer wish to be under the control of my own lust.

Bravery

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

~Madonna

I have been holding onto this quote for a while, waiting for the right time to blog about it. For me, being brave is about loving myself unconditionally. That has been my resolution for 2007, to have a better understanding of who I am and what I need, not only in terms of power exchange, but with all areas of my life. I continue to give to myself, the attention I need to truly listen to my heart. I have grown as an employee, as a submissive, and as woman.

Still, I am not so brave that I do not fear rejection or being hurt again. In the past, and even this year, I have held myself at arm's length, emotionally, then hide from the other Person for not being able to handle my "emotional high maintenance" when in truth... I hadn't give Him a chance. It wasn't that I didn't give the other people a chance, but that I have to be sure I can trust someone with that part of myself, out of fear of being wounded again.

The time has come, to be a brave girl. I have prepared myself as much as I can and gotten to know myself the best I can, so that I am more aware of what I need in a Partner. i feel that I am ready, not only to serve but to truly surrender to the right One. I am not saying the 'next One' has to be the 'right One'... But I will no longer demean myself to settle for less than I need. Just that I am open to the possibilities of tomorrow.

A desire for a true Master, One who can touch my mind, whisper to my heart, and command my body to obey Him. I do hope that He will crave His control of my whole being-- not just sexually. I crave control in various parts of my life, His boundaries for things that are best for me, and His touch at other times, not just at bedtime. I don't want to be a girl who is called in the middle of the night for a kinky booty, nor do I desire to be kept in complete secret. I am not saying that I demand to meet family or anything, because that comes at its own time. I do not want to rush anything and am happy to let things go at their own pace. But I fear that the private respect for our relationship/activities will be used to help hide His true intentions from me. I don't wish to be only a 'toy' and for His secret amusement... I want a partner, equal -- yet intense with power exchange. I don't want to feel that He is ashamed of me or embarrassed by His desire to spend time with me.

I hope this makes sense... its difficult to word, and get my true meaning across.

Vanity or Insecurity

I do believe that there is a certain amount of vanity in a slave’s desire to be pleasing. Not in the "queen of the world" way, but there is a certain amount of pride that comes from being pleasing. There is a fine line between being proud of being able to give Him pleasure and being haughty in service. I don't serve because I need to "strutting my stuff", but my ego does benefit from being told I have been a good girl, been pleasing and served well. Its encouraging and gives that part of me strength to venture into other areas of service ~ areas that I am not that confident in my ability to serve well.. if that makes any sense?

There is a fine line between serving for the pleasure of the Free and serving for bragging rights amongst the slaves, in a girls humble opinion. A slave understands that slavery is less of a 'Do this Do that' and more of a balancing act between antipodes. Let’s be realistic, anyone can be taught to obey. There is a difference in obeying a direction and serving with the heart. When one learns of the Other, even being proactive in meeting an expected need (ie such as already having His coffee prepared in the mornings) it becomes a balance between the two extremes.

Some argue that a girl needs to be pleasing because she doesn’t value her surrender to Him without it. I do not see it that way. Yes, I am insecure of some areas of service, but confident in other places. My desire to be pleasing isn’t to help anchor insecurities as much as it defines the relationship in my head.

Example:

He is Master, and I am slave.
He is Owner, and I am owned.
He commands, and I obey.
He is to be pleased, and I am to please.
Why is this?
Because He is Master, and I am slave.

~Explorers of Gor

Picture of a slave

I knew then that he was dominant over me. This had nothing to do with the fact that I lay stripped before him, wrists and ankles lashed, his prisoner. It had to do with the fact that he was totally masculine, and in the presence of such a stimulus, my body would permit me to be only totally feminine. ~Captive of Gor

The slave girl is commonly desired and prized by her master; she is one of his treasures. The Gorean master, interested in her and attentive to her, wants to know everything about her, in her emotions and feelings, in their feminine, lyrical detail. Conversing with a lovely slave is one of the many pleasures of owning her. It is almost impossible for a girl to keep her thoughts or feelings from her master. He knows her too well. ~Fighting Slave of Gor

These quotes, and this picture, speak volumes to me.

I love the first quote, because it is very true. If more Men would step up and be a Man, that would allow me to be more feminine. I don't like being his mama or his babysitter, I need a man I feel like I can surrender too... not one I have to keep an eye on at all times.

For the picture, I like the arch of her neck, the offer of most vulnerable flesh... represents completely surrender to me. The way the woman is surrounded by other valuable things, indicating that to Him, she is also a treasure within His possession.

The second quote, I think is the touch of romance that Norman included in his books to help the women read the books. haha Seriously, thats my fairy tale in a nutshell. Maybe it's wrong.. to want that kind of relationship with Someone? He doesn't have to be able to read my thoughts or guess my needs, but... just listen. Not even all the time, just... when its important to me. And not "what do you want for dinner" important, I mean important as in required in maintaining the relationship important.

Silence, please.

Each breath brings little relief, each movement of my body screams in anger, the pain a heavy weight that keeps the mind from focusing.

Please, just give me my medicine and let me sleep. Please just let me cry until the drugs kick in. Please keep the lights off. Please keep the noise way down. My body cannot handle the sensations, each bright light and loud sound is like needles to my head. Please just leave me to this so that when I wake up, I can feel much better.

Days like this, make me question the ability to handle anything more, be responsible for much more, or be able to totally surrender every single moment of every single day. I do not claim days like this, I have released all control and surrender to the fibromyalgia. This way, I do not feel guilty for not demanding myself to do more, or force myself to suffer through it or "be a trooper" and work against it. This way I can obey my body, remain in rest and wait on the new day.


Posted on 12/23/07 based on notes made on 12/20/07.

Significance of Love-Making

The moment of greatest significance in love-making is not the moment of orgasm. It is rather the moment of entrance, the moment of penetration... This is the moment that shakes us, that has within it the great wonder, tremendous and tremulous as it may be- or disappointing and despairing, which says the same thing from the opposite point of view. - Rollo May

I can see what Rollo May is talking about, not just a physical penetration of two bodies, but a soulful union also. At least, that is the idealistic form of "making love". For me, thats how I feel. I think what seperates sex from making love, are those moments following an orgasm. That is what has always been what defines the experience for me. Then again, my desire for intimacy is more on the emotional level than the physical level. Don't get me wrong, I love a good sexual drive and my share of lust, but... It's hard to explain. Anyway, I'm just posting this quote because I thought it was kind of... different.

Horoscope

The last few weeks have been.... unbelievably stressful and packed with major life events. I made up my mind over the weekend that I can't do the stress anymore. I'm going to start relaxing and let life deal the cards. Then, this morning, I read my horoscope. It really perked me up and confirmed that I'm doing the right thing.

elana's Horoscope for December 16, 2007
The key word for you today is boundaries, elana, so think for a minute about what this means to you. It is time to sit down with yourself and have a serious talk. Set some limits for yourself and be honest about where you should go about drawing the line. Your health, your state of mind, and your relationships with others all depend on your taking the initiative to know when to say no in certain situations.

Same Old Story

A curious twist to the same old story.

Boy meets girl. Boy wants to dominate girl. Boy tells girl he is ‘extremely catholic’ (his phrasing not girl’s) and does not believe in condoms, birth control or premarital sex.

Girl understands and tells boy she respects his beliefs.

Then boy tells girl that he does require anal and oral sex, because they are not considered ‘sex’, that ‘sex’ only relates to vaginal sex – which he does not do because of his religious beliefs. Girl tells boy that she does not have any form of sex (oral, anal, vaginal) without a condom because she firmly beliefs in safer sex. Boy tells girl that he does not use condoms because of his religious beliefs, and she will have to have anal/oral without the condom because of what his church says. Girl asks if his church agrees with him having anal and oral without protection at all – he says its not the church’s business because its not vaginal. Girl is totally confused and continues to try and understand by asking questions. Boy doesn’t talk to girl anymore because she questions his 'religious beliefs'.

Does the girl misunderstand? or is the boy being hypocritical?

If the boy is already licking the icing why doesn’t he go ahead and eat the cake?

Your view or mine?

She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not care to be herself. ~ Anais Nin





As much as I don't want to admit it... I have days where this rings so true. Not because I don't care for myself exactly, but I have had to learn to see myself as I am, and not base my view solely on what others see. Majority of the submissives have a natural desire to serve, a burn within to be found pleasing... We want to make that special One happy, but sometimes it can consume us to the point of loosing ourselves. I have been there before. I do not wish to go back.

Normally this is where I would get on my soap box about society teaching children, both male and female, at young ages what they should or should not do. How they should or should not think. But... not tonight.

Intermission

True power whispers... it doesn't need to yell.

I'm not sure who said this, but its so very true. I don't understand all the hooping and hollering that many are doing to try and "convince me" that they are "good masters". If one is so confident in his/her ability to master another, in control of one's own wants/needs/hormones, then why the rush and drama? Why all the charades? So much hoopla is being poured into this mating dance that the true message becomes lost in the noise...

I don't want to be distracted by the smoke and mirrors. Maybe it is my age, maybe I'm getting to old for all the games. Right now, I just want to sneak out before the next act of these drama-doms!

Besides, the One that my spirit longs for... will be heard by my heart...

The Teacup

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.

One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful."

As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. "You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup.

There was a time when I was brown and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'let me alone', but he only smiled, 'Not yet.'

"Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.'

Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head,
'Not yet.'

Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. 'There, that's better,' I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Stop it, stop it!' I cried. He only nodded, 'Not yet.'

Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, 'Not yet.'

Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, 'Look at yourself. And I did.

I said, 'That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful.'

'I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up.

I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.

I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life.

And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you.

~Author Unknown

Passion

Touch passion when it comes your way...
It’s rare enough as it is.
Don’t walk away when it calls you by name.
~J. Michael Straczynski

It is a revenge the devil sometimes
takes upon the virtuous,
that he entraps them by the
force of the very passion
they have suppressed and
think themselves superior to.
~George Santayana

Love's Death

I just thought this was beautiful, especially the image to the left.

The quote can be hard to read, so this is what it says:

Love never dies a natural death.
It dies because we don't know
how to replenish it's source.
It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.
It dies of illness and wounds;
it dies of weariness,
of witherings, of tarnishings.
~Anais Nin

Anxiety

Anxiety is love's greatest killer.
It makes others feel as you might
when a drowning man holds on to you.
You want to save him, but you know
he will strangle you with his panic.
~Anais Nin

Throughout my experiences, I have had a number of things sprung on me at the last minute. Some of these have been good, most of them have been horrible. I don't want to be taken by surprise again in his way, so I tend to... get a little anxious with new people. I am struggling to stop this behavior, as it only brings more heartache. I'm not sure if this is insecurities on my part or a fear of being replaced in the relationship. I've also considered it may be a form of 'pouting' to get more attention. I really hope it isn't. I really hope with the right One, I won't have this problem.

Games

Monopoly
Canasta
Clue
Go Fish
Horseshoes

These are a few of the games I like to play.

Emotional games are not something I enjoy.

To be totally honest, I don't understand what happened. As I said in an earlier post, I had a friend step in and say that he wanted to encourage me during my self-discovery... to be honest, I am wanting to to learn to open up more, be less afraid, and positive about expectations. I think that my desires were ok but I didn't pick the right One.

At times, I think I am the one playing the emotional games. As much as I hate to admit that I may be doing these very things I hate in others, I'm starting to wonder if its true. It is a bit hypocritical for me to be so unforgiving with others, yet want patience with my own flaws/hangups. I just wish I knew about my hangup about wanting someone to be there to bounce things off of. I know that I deal with things by verbally walking through them, and for others that can be very draining and I don't want to be that way at all.

Argh!!!

I am so damn frustrated... and don't even know where to start. I just feel so alone trying to handle this emotional evolution myself and... am at a loss of what to do next.

Its not that I am looking for an easy way out but right now I just really need that person who will keep me honest. Not that I am a liar by any means, but when you are trying to work through past hurts and self-doubts etc that I need someone who won't let me focus on the bullshit and "make excuses" instead of dealing with it. I need to face things completely, honestly, even though it makes me extremely vulnerable. Maybe that "little girl" inside needs someone to "protect" her during it?

Definition of a Man

I knew then that he was dominant over me. This had nothing to do with the fact that I lay stripped before him, wrists and ankles lashed... It had to do with the fact that he was totally masculine... my body would permit me to be only totally feminine.

¤ Captive of Gor ¤

When a Man is truly a Man, He will be confident, decisive, honorable, and in control of not only Himself (emotionally, sexually, and mentally) but His environment. When a woman truly meets a Man like that, it sparks something deep within... a desire to surrender to His control, a need to please Him, a craving for His strength and protection.

In a girl's humble opinion, part of what is wrong with the world today is that guys aren't being Men, so women are having to step it up and try to be. I don't want to be "the Man", I need someone who will 'man up' and truly... be a Man... so that I will be free, to be a woman.. feminine and soft, eager to please, hungry for His control..

Chit Chatty

I've felt amazing the last day or two, my fibro is in remission and I am enjoying each and every moment.

On this journey of self discovery, I have found a Friend to take me under His wing, so to speak. Sometimes having someone to offer support in a very different way makes a world of difference. Part of me aches for structure and discipline, another part of me longs for a Daddy. The Friend thinks having someone to bounce ideas off of will help, but we shall see. Something, deep down, doesn't feel right...

One day at a time and I am taking things slow, which is why I'm a bit nervous about this time of consideration... its been a while since I've opened up and... I think its time...

~This topic is updated 11/10/07~

Emotional Explosion, Aftershocks

I spent a while creating this post, crying all over again. After I got calmed down, I realized that I don't want to post all of it. I can't post all of it... not yet. So here are the parts I do want to share.


I had an emotional confrontation with my parents this weekend. It wasn’t something that was planned, just a sudden burst of emotion—then suddenly I couldn’t stop. [clipped]

This wasn’t some petty argument over driving privileges or curfews. [clipped]

I’ve learned that I’m the only one I can count on. Maybe this is why I have such an intense need for a Father figure. I want someone who can be there for me, emotionally and mentally. I don’t need him to physically slay dragons for me, but I need him to help fend off the emotional ones.

On my Honor...

Write a submissive pledge for yourself.
Make sure you write about only things you can control within yourself.
~Sensual Service

As a submissive, I make this promise to myself.
I promise to always listen to my inner voice, and trust my instinct.
I promise to have patience with myself.
Give myself the benefit of a doubt.
I will do my best not to allow negativity to overtake me.
I will be completely honest with myself, at all times.
I will work on separating my gut feelings from my fears.
I will show myself the kindness I am showing others.
I will hold out for someone who will also give me respect,
Because I am worth it.

Wishy-washy Guy + me = Bitch

Inconsistency breeds bitchiness.

The definition of consistency is steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.

Consistency is something that I need very much. Something within the relationship must be consistent. I'm not saying that both won't have a bad day from time to time, but he must be consistent so that I know where the boundaries are. I have learned that when I am with someone who is inconsistent is when I become bitchy. Its almost like, I try to see what else he will be wishy-washy about and almost use my attitude mood swings to see how far I can push him. I don't think I am manipulative, but I think that it is natural behavior to test the waters.

It all boils down to I need him to be consistently in control! I end up being the one in control when it is my choices that dictate his actions/words. I am not a Dominant, I am submissive, however when forced to be in control... I become a bitch. That is the only way I know to be in control. So when he can become so flustered and wishy-washy just from something I do or say, then he is creating his own bitch to deal with.

I have posted this quote before, in the entry called On being oneself. But this is the first time I have really... voiced my thoughts that make this quote speak so close to home.

|¥| We are women, and want, truly, with everything in our hearts and bellies, to be women, and we cannot be women truly if men are not truly men! Lay down the whip, and we will attack you, and undermine you, and use your own laws, institutions, and rhetorics to destroy you, inch by inch.... Own us, dominate us! Enslave us, properly, so that we may love you as women are meant to love, wholly and unreservedly, totally, without thought of ourselves!" She looked at me, tears in her eyes. "Is it so wrong to want to be ourselves?" |¥| Renegades of Gor |¥|

Dynamics

Which master has more control and power? One that has to force or coheres his sub to do things or one whose sub willingly does things out of love.

~topic provided by a Friend

There is more to being a master than barking orders or forcing someone's will to obey your own. Just as there is more to being a submissive/slave than abandoning the ability to think and becoming a doormat for anyone to walk on. There is a special connection that can be established between Master and submissive/slave in which her desire to please him out weighs her own will, so she happily lays it down for his own. Within this connection, the Master makes decisions that are best for the girl and himself, putting her wellbeing before his own physical desires.

Realistically there are times that the girl must bite the bullet and do as He would desire, because we are human and no one is perfect all of the time. Just as there are times that He must bite the bullet and either do what is best for her or admit he was wrong -- because we are human and no one is perfect all the time.

So which would be more powerful or in more control? The way I see it, only one of those men is a master. The condescending one who barks orders to anyone who will listen, is an asshole. :)

Photo by Marcus J Ranum

A Fibro Day

Another day inside of the box, able to see through the glass what is going on but unable to be heard. Days like these are "normal" says my doctors, however each one catches me off guard. Not only is the pain physical but its also emotional. Leaving me mentally exhausted and unsure of everything.

I think this was coming on last night, when I blogged rather negatively. I am learning through my private journal that those thoughts tend to overwhelm me, leading up to fibro days. Muscles hurt so that I can't sleep, and not being able to rest properly sends me into emotional overload.

These are the days I need to be "grounded" and centered the most, but also the days I don't know how to reach out.

Silent Screams

Speak only when spoken to, if I wanted to hear from you
I would speak to you.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

It's not your place to question.

Absolutely worthless, who in their right mind
would want actually you?

What you do/say reflects back onto me so do not
make me look foolish with your needless chatter.

You're so bad at sex that I had to go elsewhere to enjoy it.

Shut up you aren't worth the price of the condom
it would take to fuck you.

These are all things I have been told since I began this journey in power exchange relationships. I know these things are horrible and should not of been said to me, however they were and affected me greatly. Sometimes I can forget about them and other times, they are always in the back of my head, playing in the background like elevator music. Over the last two years I've been trying extra hard to shake these destructive thoughts. I have been successful as long as I keep myself separated from anyone would would inspire power exchange. However, with the making of a few Friend, returned some of these thoughts. I've opened up about some of these things, but can't bring myself to voice others.

I tend to be very shy. Why am I so shy? One person would say that it is because I am insecure in certain parts of my personality/self. I was brought up to be a soft spoken Southern Baptist wife. Then when you add in the "training" I received once I began power exchange relationships.... I know how "wrong" my training was, but another part of me can't help but still obey it.

Why can't I just shake these things? I know they are lies. I know they were only said to hurt me. Why do I continue to give them power over me? How do I make them go away? How do I re-train myself to think differently, positively? About all things.

Maybe I can learn to open up more and get over my shyness, or does that mental behavior need to be untaught?

Then again, maybe the Friend is right to say it is insecurity. But to be honest, I would hope when the right One "gets into my head", He will push out these other thoughts.. because there would not be room for Them both, right? Lets just hope, I'm able to let Him in, when I meet the right One.

So while one part of me is praying you won't study me to closely,
another part of me longs for your attention.

Even though I don't care for the books, this quote really ... pulls at my heart. As much as I fear a Man like this, because He would truly know me completely, I would give anything for the right One to know this much about me and still want me.

[Masters] tend to be extremely interested in things they own, and tend, usually, to be quite fond of them. Owned women do not form an exception to this general rule. The slavegirl is commonly desired and prized by her master; she is one of his treasures. The... master, interested in her and attentive to her, wants to know everything about her, in her emotions and feelings, in their feminine, lyrical detail. Conversing with a lovely slave is one of the many pleasures of owning her. It is almost impossible for a girl to keep her thoughts or feelings from her master. He knows her too well. ~ John Norman, Fighting Slave of Gor

Torn...

I've had a lot on my mind the last month or so.
Its still not easy to blog about it.

Trying to figure out what I want versus what I need,
emotionally physically and mentally.

Then deciding the best way to have those needs met...
trying to use my head to follow my heart.

If You lead, I will follow.

"I do not want to be the leader.

I refuse to be the leader.
I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness.
I want a man lying over me, always over me.
His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work,
his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.
I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually,
artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman
I want to be dominated.

I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet,
not to cling all that I am capable of doing
but I am going to be pursued,
fucked,
possessed
by the will of a male
at his time,
his bidding."


"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength,
who makes enormous demands on me,
who does not doubt my courage or my toughness,
who does not believe me naïve or innocent,
who has the courage to treat me
like a woman."

Both quotes by ~ Anais Nin

Mirror mirror on the wall...

Mirror mirror on the wall,

Who is this girl afraid to fall?
Why does she cry beg and plead,
Just to reject the things she need?

I like me. I like me not.

I know who I am. Normally I like who I am.

But I don't know why I allow others make me question myself?

Emotional Virginity

Emotional virginity was not a concept I was familiar with until recently.

A new friend suggested it and to be honest... it felt so right. I like the thought of having an emotional purity, keeping it guarded until the right One comes along. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a physical virgin but emotionally I've always been shut off when it comes to relationships. Preferring to mold myself into whoever the other person wants me to be. Yes this is natural in a power exchange relationship, but I didn't allow the other Person to get to know who I truly was, so that S/He could make the decision on what S/He wanted to change. I don't disconnect completely, but I keep a very important part of myself at arm's length. I've always thought it was because I couldn't stand the thought of that core part of me being rejected by my partner. Maybe its because, I've known each time that the person wasn't the 'right one' for me.

Believe it or not, I like the thought of that. It's almost like, it doesn't matter what my past is, there is still a bit of innocence that remains. Maybe that's the part of me that secretly dreams of a Dominant Prince Charming.

Submissive Feminist

Someone recently made a comment that I was "fake' because I stated that I was submissive but also a feminist. Something about that suggestion angers me, not to the point of being out of control but I tend to get a little sharp tonged. The truth is, I am not a slave because I am a woman, I am a slave because I feel it inside. It has nothing to do with my gender.

To be honest, the guys who usually call me fake believe that having a penis instantly makes them a master ~ which is the furtherest thing from the truth! To me, being a feminist means that I can do anything I put my mind to and I hate being told I can't "because I'm a girl"! I'll do it or die trying. I have intelligence, ability, and am capable of taking care of myself. I am submissive because of my needs for power exchange and service. I can 'choose' to take care of myself but I want to serve instead. However, mentally / emotionally I need power exchange with my Partner. That doesn't have anything to do with me being female. A man is not a Master just because He was born a male, it takes much more than that. As it does to become a slave, there is more to it than just being female.

I know this is rather rant-ish and all jumbled up, but its as clear as I can communicate it right now.

Longing

Craving

Aching

Yearning

Hungery

But... for what?

Drop in the Bucket

Holding tight to this concept, keep telling myself that I'm stronger than this. Trying to see my inner strength and find that inner calm to comfort myself. There is nothing anyone can do. There is nothing I can do, other than look forward to tomorrow. I don't mean to sound pouty or depressed, because I am neither. I'm just completely exhausted and drained. Anyway, this picture really touched me and I wanted to post it.

Until later.

Conditional Slut

Is it harder to be a slut when you're falling apart?

For me, yes it is much harder. I cannot go to that place of complete focus on Him with the absolute abandonment of my own control. Not control of the situation but control of myself... my fears, my desires, my arousal. I have to feel safe, I have to feel that He can take that control that i have relinquished. If I am falling apart emotionally, I need Him to pull me back together. If He can anchor me, ground me, then arouse me intensely... That is when I am truly His... I think those moments, are when I truly become His slut.

The Olive Tree

Received this in an email and wanted to share.

The Olive Tree

A confused sub came before a wise Master who adored her. She felt that to submit to him would mean she would open her heart to unbearable pain should he ever leave her. She hungered for him and needed him, but was ready to walk away in panic.

The gentle Master knelt her before him and started a tale of love and devotion. As she looked up at him his arms began to widen and open like a large tree stretches its branches to the sky. At that moment the Master appeared rooted to the floor and his impressive size towered above her like a giant tree. Then he began to speak...

The Olive Tree

I'm here for you...now and always no matter how far time and space takes us.... Whether you walk away from me today or you stay and serve me I will not turn from you. I am as patient as time itself; I will take not from you unless you give freely and completely of yourself but I give onto you regardless-- for my love is unconditional....

Like the olive tree that can both feed you and shade you I am there seemingly eternal to your short life on this earth. If you need my fruit to feed your hunger I will give you all the fruit you need... If your skin grows dry and loses its luster, the oil from my fruit will restore it and make it glisten. When you need comfort my leaves will gently caress your face with the slightest breeze. When you need discipline my branches will correct you when the wind blows strong, If you just need my shade to protect you from the sun, my branches will shade and protect you. If you need warmth at night my fallen branches will fuel the fire to keep you warm and safe;
if you need a refreshing breeze my leaves will fan you and cool you.

You are my gardener.

When you submit to me; you tend that which keeps me vibrant and full of life. When you kneel under me an till the soil you give breath to my roots. When you water me, my sap flows strong through me and raise my limping branches. When you soil yourself collecting fertilizer with your bare hands you strengthen me, and humble me with your devotion. Although my life will go on, life would not be the same without you. Your dedication and unconditional care for me keeps me vibrant and nurtures my very core. The sustenance and protection I give you seems little reward for your servitude. Still the gardener serves the tree from her heart and the tree gives to her heart all that he can! I am planted firmly on the ground and cannot follow you if you walk away from me.... But be assure I will survive. One hundred years later and two of your lifetimes; I will still be there waiting for you in the same spot to offer you all that I do now.

Stay with me and be my gardener. You cannot get lost in me for we are complementary to each other. I am your devotion, and you give meaning to my existence. Apart we live life and survive; together we bloom eternally! As the Master finished his last words the sub cried herself to sleep at his feet. That night, he stood planted there like the Olive tree offering her his unconditional love and protection as she would tend to him with her devotion the next day....and everyday thereafter.

Self-conquest

Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess. ~Thomas Merton

I feel like I cannot deny who I am, but the truth is that it is my choice. I can settle for vanilla and deny part of myself, or I can take the big risk and be who I am. I have to be able to take care of myself and be who I am, confident in who I am... otherwise someone cannot come along and dominate me. If I'm not able to keep myself under self-discipline then One cannot take control. How can I give what I do not have? I can't expect someone to come along and gather the reigns of my life and tame the wild horses, if I am not prepared for that level of mastery.

I think that this is a quality that tends to attract the "lazy dominants" because I seem to have things together (on the surface). So this attracts those who think the work is mostly finished in claiming mastery over me, but when they really see how much I need emotionally, its way to much for them to handle. I know this sounds egotistic but I really wonder if this is the truth. For as much as I crave the mastery and control of Another, I tend to attract those who are weak and need my constant reassurance of my own level of control... to a certain extent.

I am not submissive because
I cannot handle myself on my own.

I am not submissive because
I cannot handle being in control.

I am not submissive because
I cannot take care of myself.

I am submissive because
it is who my heart is, I need to serve.

Topic provided by Sensual Service

Powerful

He who controls others may be powerful,
but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.
~ Lao Tzu.

Borderline Joy

There is a fine line between being of service and being used.
The difference is very difficult to see...
and even harder to explain.

I need to be of service.
I hate being used.
One truly speaks to my heart,
the latter disgusts me to no end.

Being allowed to serve makes my heart fill with joy.
Being used makes me feel so cheap.
If one does a good job in service maybe One will keep me.
Once I'm used, I will be discarded... again...
and that terrifies me completely.

Calm assertive energy

Random Thoughts Inspired by Ceasar Millan.

Calm assertive energy.

The absence of a pack leader breeds insecurity obsession and a need for control. One that sets boundaries, limits, and guidance can fix this.

Overly aggressive men produce aggressive energy. This will increase uneasy energy in the submissive one, causing her to withdraw and feel guarded. When a Man is giving off different energy, calm assertive energy, will allow me to be curious at His energy and able to approach in a stable manner. Without feeling the need for 'protection'.

In the absence of a 100 percent leader, the submissive one will seek to fill what they see as a vacant role. The girl will ignore the owner or act out in other ways. This is the beginning of giving control to her.

A girl will respond to your calm, assertive energy by balancing it with a calm, submissive state.

The pack leader also uses this calm, assertive energy to set rules, boundaries and limitations for how she interacts with her surroundings.

The pack leader doesn't project emotional or nervous energy. If you don't set rules, boundaries and limitations in calm, assertive ways, she will not respect you.

I need calm submissive state to sleep. This isn't a want -- this is a need. If I can't reach that calm submissive state, I will not allow myself to rest enough to actually sleep.

I know that Ceasar Millan works with animals but I feel it works with submissives too.

We are women, and want, truly, with everything in our hearts and bellies, to be women, and we cannot be women truly if men are not truly men! Lay down the whip, and we will attack you, and undermine you, and use your own laws, institutions, and rhetorics to destroy you, inch by inch! Lift it, and we will lick your feet in gratitude.

Own us, dominate us! Enslave us, properly, so that we may love you as women are meant to love, wholly and irreservedly, totally, without thought of ourselves!" She looked at me, tears in her eyes. "Is it so wrong to want to be ourselves?" "

~Renegades of Gor

Ol'McMaster Had A Farm

"fuck pig"

"cum cow"

Are these terms of endearment or degrading insults?

What are the purposes of these nicknames? Objectification? Humiliation? Degradation?

One knows that this greatly depends on Who is using the words and the relationship between the two.

Spinning

A girl hates this feeling.

Very much alone.

Outside looking in.

Cannot find balance.

No one speaks my language, so not only can I not find relief but I can't find understanding either. I don't know how to describe this overwhelming... frustration. I'm feeling "woe is me" its very different. Its definitely a form of spinning... Almost like I've been juggling and am growing tired of trying to keep everything up in the air... but I can't let it fall, I can't let anything drop!

my heart is just longing for that One
I can trust to catch the balls I drop.

{shae}A and {taya}S`B

Thought this picture was beautiful and wanted to share it with you both.

On being oneself

""The whip is good for us," she said. "Perhaps it is hard for you to understand that, as you are not a woman. It makes our womanhood a hundred times more meaningful. The essential point here is not being whipped, of course, which hurts, but being subject to the whip, and being truly subject to it. You see the distinction, I am sure.

We know that men are by nature sovereign over us. That comprehension requires no greater insight. Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. Accordingly we despise men who surrender their natural sovereignty. Surely, we would not be so stupid, would not be such weaklings and fools as to do that, if we were men. It would be too valuable and too glorious a thing to give up. Its surrender would be a tragedy.

But we are not men! We are women, and want, truly, with everything in our hearts and bellies, to be women, and we cannot be women truly if men are not truly men! Lay down the whip, and we will attack you, and undermine you, and use your own laws, institutions, and rhetorics to destroy you, inch by inch. Lift it, and we will lick your feet in gratitude.

Own us, dominate us! Enslave us, properly, so that we may love you as women are meant to love, wholly and unreservedly, totally, without thought of ourselves!" She looked at me, tears in her eyes. "Is it so wrong to want to be ourselves?" "

Page 157 - Renegades of Gor

Brutal Truth

Needy?
Greedy for attention?
Ravenous for affection?
Insatiable?
Dependent?
Emotionally high maintenance?
Sexually high maintenance?


Yes I am.

I need to be close to you,
but I don’t know how to
allow you to get close to me.

Does that make me impossible?

Sounds like a lot of work,
so what would you get in return?

my world

What I want.

I get so tired of being asked "what do you want" or "what are you looking for" because if these people truly understood me... would they need to ask? I understand that people aren't mind-readers, but the more that I learn, the more I see what I want and desire is represented in various quotes from Norman's books. I hope this doesn't mean that the One I am searching for is fictional...

Anyway, here is the quote that shows the split within.

*§*

"The Goreans claim that in each woman there is a free companion, proud and beautiful, worthy and noble, and in each, too, a slave girl. The companion seeks for her companion; the slave girl for her master. It is further said, that on the couch, the Gorean girl, whether slave or free, who has had the experience, who has tried all loves, begs for a master.

She wishes to belong completely to a man, withholding nothing, permitted to withhold nothing. And, of course, of all women, only a slave girl can truly belong to a man, only a slave girl can be truly his, in all ways, utterly, totally, completely, his, selflessly, at his mercy, his ecstatic slave, helpless and joyous in the total submission which she is given no choice but to yield."

Page 102 - Hunters of Gor

Expectations

Sometimes I feel like a hypocritical bitch.

Yes, I want a Man who is dominant, confidant, and sparks that fire within. Putting his hand in my hair, crushing my body to his, and igniting my need with his own desires. But don’t go all horny on me because I will shut down faster than a Jewish business at closing time.

Yes I need Him to be a bit patient with me ~ I have serious trust and abandonment issues to overcome. But don’t wait around forever waiting on me to throw myself at your feet, you will quickly become a ‘friend’ and not in the running for my heart.

So why is it that I have one of two categories to place most guys into? Either he is an ass who can’t control his hormones, or he’s a pussy whipped vanilla guy. Where is that balance between being patient with my needs and commanding of my desires? I want that spark—no, I need that spark to truly focus my attention on someone and he needs to be patient until I cannot stand it anymore and must surrender myself to Him completely.

I often think of Men like fishermen, casting their lures into the water in hopes of enticing a delicious fish onto their hooks. I want to be snagged by his bait and slowly reeled in, maybe he gives me some slack but isn’t fooled by my charms or seduced by my ploys ~ I want him to hold firm and maintain control... and be the man!

¤ I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ¤ ¤ Anais Nin ¤

Hurricane Paci

Completely unprepared for the response this pacifier had.
Taken back by the instant drop to her.
Wasn't ready for it's mental aftermath.

I need time to think.

more to come... maybe.