Intermission

True power whispers... it doesn't need to yell.

I'm not sure who said this, but its so very true. I don't understand all the hooping and hollering that many are doing to try and "convince me" that they are "good masters". If one is so confident in his/her ability to master another, in control of one's own wants/needs/hormones, then why the rush and drama? Why all the charades? So much hoopla is being poured into this mating dance that the true message becomes lost in the noise...

I don't want to be distracted by the smoke and mirrors. Maybe it is my age, maybe I'm getting to old for all the games. Right now, I just want to sneak out before the next act of these drama-doms!

Besides, the One that my spirit longs for... will be heard by my heart...

The Teacup

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.

One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful."

As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. "You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup.

There was a time when I was brown and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'let me alone', but he only smiled, 'Not yet.'

"Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. Stop it! I'm getting dizzy! I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.'

Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head,
'Not yet.'

Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. 'There, that's better,' I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Stop it, stop it!' I cried. He only nodded, 'Not yet.'

Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, 'Not yet.'

Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, 'Look at yourself. And I did.

I said, 'That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful.'

'I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up.

I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.

I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life.

And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you.

~Author Unknown

Passion

Touch passion when it comes your way...
It’s rare enough as it is.
Don’t walk away when it calls you by name.
~J. Michael Straczynski

It is a revenge the devil sometimes
takes upon the virtuous,
that he entraps them by the
force of the very passion
they have suppressed and
think themselves superior to.
~George Santayana

Love's Death

I just thought this was beautiful, especially the image to the left.

The quote can be hard to read, so this is what it says:

Love never dies a natural death.
It dies because we don't know
how to replenish it's source.
It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.
It dies of illness and wounds;
it dies of weariness,
of witherings, of tarnishings.
~Anais Nin

Anxiety

Anxiety is love's greatest killer.
It makes others feel as you might
when a drowning man holds on to you.
You want to save him, but you know
he will strangle you with his panic.
~Anais Nin

Throughout my experiences, I have had a number of things sprung on me at the last minute. Some of these have been good, most of them have been horrible. I don't want to be taken by surprise again in his way, so I tend to... get a little anxious with new people. I am struggling to stop this behavior, as it only brings more heartache. I'm not sure if this is insecurities on my part or a fear of being replaced in the relationship. I've also considered it may be a form of 'pouting' to get more attention. I really hope it isn't. I really hope with the right One, I won't have this problem.

Games

Monopoly
Canasta
Clue
Go Fish
Horseshoes

These are a few of the games I like to play.

Emotional games are not something I enjoy.

To be totally honest, I don't understand what happened. As I said in an earlier post, I had a friend step in and say that he wanted to encourage me during my self-discovery... to be honest, I am wanting to to learn to open up more, be less afraid, and positive about expectations. I think that my desires were ok but I didn't pick the right One.

At times, I think I am the one playing the emotional games. As much as I hate to admit that I may be doing these very things I hate in others, I'm starting to wonder if its true. It is a bit hypocritical for me to be so unforgiving with others, yet want patience with my own flaws/hangups. I just wish I knew about my hangup about wanting someone to be there to bounce things off of. I know that I deal with things by verbally walking through them, and for others that can be very draining and I don't want to be that way at all.

Argh!!!

I am so damn frustrated... and don't even know where to start. I just feel so alone trying to handle this emotional evolution myself and... am at a loss of what to do next.

Its not that I am looking for an easy way out but right now I just really need that person who will keep me honest. Not that I am a liar by any means, but when you are trying to work through past hurts and self-doubts etc that I need someone who won't let me focus on the bullshit and "make excuses" instead of dealing with it. I need to face things completely, honestly, even though it makes me extremely vulnerable. Maybe that "little girl" inside needs someone to "protect" her during it?

Definition of a Man

I knew then that he was dominant over me. This had nothing to do with the fact that I lay stripped before him, wrists and ankles lashed... It had to do with the fact that he was totally masculine... my body would permit me to be only totally feminine.

¤ Captive of Gor ¤

When a Man is truly a Man, He will be confident, decisive, honorable, and in control of not only Himself (emotionally, sexually, and mentally) but His environment. When a woman truly meets a Man like that, it sparks something deep within... a desire to surrender to His control, a need to please Him, a craving for His strength and protection.

In a girl's humble opinion, part of what is wrong with the world today is that guys aren't being Men, so women are having to step it up and try to be. I don't want to be "the Man", I need someone who will 'man up' and truly... be a Man... so that I will be free, to be a woman.. feminine and soft, eager to please, hungry for His control..

Chit Chatty

I've felt amazing the last day or two, my fibro is in remission and I am enjoying each and every moment.

On this journey of self discovery, I have found a Friend to take me under His wing, so to speak. Sometimes having someone to offer support in a very different way makes a world of difference. Part of me aches for structure and discipline, another part of me longs for a Daddy. The Friend thinks having someone to bounce ideas off of will help, but we shall see. Something, deep down, doesn't feel right...

One day at a time and I am taking things slow, which is why I'm a bit nervous about this time of consideration... its been a while since I've opened up and... I think its time...

~This topic is updated 11/10/07~

Emotional Explosion, Aftershocks

I spent a while creating this post, crying all over again. After I got calmed down, I realized that I don't want to post all of it. I can't post all of it... not yet. So here are the parts I do want to share.


I had an emotional confrontation with my parents this weekend. It wasn’t something that was planned, just a sudden burst of emotion—then suddenly I couldn’t stop. [clipped]

This wasn’t some petty argument over driving privileges or curfews. [clipped]

I’ve learned that I’m the only one I can count on. Maybe this is why I have such an intense need for a Father figure. I want someone who can be there for me, emotionally and mentally. I don’t need him to physically slay dragons for me, but I need him to help fend off the emotional ones.