Huh?

Over the years, Pixie and I have joked about the crazy stuff we have gone through... Not only with meeting guys, crazy requests, and how some of it is so.... well we are happy to laugh so we don't cry. We have toyed with the idea of writing a book, about the hysterical nightmares that we have survived. While I think it could be a learning experience for novices and perhaps give some hope to those going through the same, I've always been one who is very anti-bullying. I do not handle shaming well so I am hesitant to dish it out to others.

But I have collected a few gems along the way and really want to share them tonight. No names or locations will be revealed, and only the funny parts will be on display. Don't worry, having more context will NOT make it make anymore sense.

From a 'dominant': either i own you or i don't own you no matter if i have collared you or not. stop the bullshit about you don't technically own me.

From a 'submissive': it isn't back peddling it is correcting the stuff i say once it gets out of my mind

From a kinkster: it takes two-three months to get to know you. furthermore it doesn't matter if you ask for pics to soon.... I ask for pics about an hour into the conversation that doesn't make me a pic collector or anything I just want some proof that you are real.

These kind of things make me shake my head... and wish I could call some kind of reality police to go either check to make sure these folk are the legal age or to encourage these people to stop.  To.. Just.. Stop.  

While Pixie and I find this funny and a little sad, we have the experience to know that this is not how it is supposed to be.  Interactions are not supposed to go this way, not even within the realms of power exchange.  Unfortunately, many novices out there are not this informed... Please if you are new, please seek out your local groups to learn and mentor with someone you trust.  There are amazing books that offer a wealth of information.  Here is an example, make sure that you look over the 'related book' section at the bottom of the page.  

so true

This is so very true... and something I have always believed.  

I miss you.

I miss Pixie- its been weeks since we really talked... 

I miss my Dad.  I can't believe its only been 16 months since he has been gone... and in the next breath I can't believe its already been 16 months. 

I miss MsJ.... she has been gone a little over four years and I still cannot go to her grave.  I still want to call her, like tonight...

I'm so scared, Mom is really sick again. 

I hate feeling this overwhelmed.

I hate how alone I feel.

I feel so guilty for dumping my emotional baggage on my ImaginaryFriend.  I have to find a health way to get through all of this... 

Friends... Sisters.

The love between women is a refuge and a escape into harmony and narcissism in place of conflict. In the love between man and woman there is resistance and conflict. Two women do not judge each other. They form an alliance. It is in a way, self-love.
I love June because she is the woman I would like to be.

-The Diary of Anaïs Nin , Volume One

I feel this way about Pixie...  Thank you Anaïs Nin for putting our friendship/sisterhood into words.

Fingers Crossed

Speaking with Pixie earlier, hearing the excitement in her voice as she spoke about the Person she is dating... It gives me hope, I truly hope this is 'it' for her... she deserves it so very much.  It also made me think of a few quotes I listed in an earlier post about being interesting.  I can relate to the need to have Someone who sincerely is aware, alert, and an active Partner... fingers are crossed for them both! 

Sometimes I fear that those things I need do not exist.  Things are looking positive for Pixie and as crazy as it sounds - I'm not jealous in the least!  By that I mean, that I mean about wanting it for myself....I do, when the time is right.  Currently my head is not the best place to be, I have a lot of cleaning up to do before I can have company over.  :)

Play Date

Dear Pixie:

I had a good time at your house.  It was good to see you.  Your puppy is funny and very affic affectionia ai ia friendly.  My puppy was upset she smelled another dog but she is ok now.  Thank you for letting me come over, the play date was fun.  No body makes me laugh like you do.  And even though we had supervision, I had fun.  I have to go now, I'm sleepy.  C-U soon sis.

love,

Elana

PS  Please tell your puppy I said hi and I will be back to play again soon.

Understanding -vs- Respecting (It Happened Again)

It's official.  I fell for it again.  Someone comes on strong, communicates openly and desires a lot of interaction for a little while, then... nothing.  It just kind of.. fizzles out.  

I understand that -- no wait.  Pixie and I talked about this some and she has a great point.  Respecting someone's choices is one thing, understanding the reasoning behind it is something completely different.  I don't understand - any of it.  I respect the fact that people don't know what they want but I don't understand the games that are played in the meantime.

I just wish I understood.  But I can imagine that this would be me, trying to listen to an explanation about right now. (Click on her, she's animated!)

  

These thoughts to be continued... 

Repossession

I wish it were possible to approach and Ex and get things back that were lost in the relationship.  I would go to D, in a heartbeat, and get back pixie's self esteem, unbroken heart, hopes and dreams, and most importantly... I would get her confidence.  

I love you pixie so very much, you will make it through this... you deserve Someone amazing who can see what He has when He has you... not after.

Happy Happy Birthday.....

Hear ye! Hear ye! 

I hereby summon the court & carriage.  For there is a Birthday  to celebrate!! 

It is for my bestest bestest friend and sister in the world!!

There is no doubt....

Ever since, we met that day,
On that rock, over yonder in the Milky Way.
Our friendship blossomed, like a rose...
We suddenly became, very close.

Trust and support; mutually rely,
Lessons learned, we did apply.
Experiences taught, courses on life,
Mistakes were often, common and rife.

Looking back makes me smile,
You’ve always displayed, plenty of style.
On this day, when you were born,
The sky was filled, with stars adorn.


I’m wishing you another year
Of laughter, joy and fun,
Surprises, love and happiness,
And when your birthday’s done,I hope you feel deep in your heart,
As your birthdays come and go,
How very much you mean to me,
More than you can know. 

 

Randomness of Loss, Part Two

Normally I would not have "aired dirty laundry" like I did in my previous post this morning. I did NOT mean any of it badly at all because I have no doubt that if I truly was in a situation where I needed Grace, MathMan or Pixie, they would be there in an absolute heart beat. I just feel guilty bothering them with my own grief when I know they have so much going on. And no I'm not trying to be a martyr. lol I know what I am going through is also important, I just also know it will pass... so I'm trying to wait it out.

Did I mention my horoscope this morning? I just read it, two hours after the previous post. Check it out:

LEO: You want some quiet time today so you can explore childhood memories, yet you won't likely find exactly what you are seeking. Naturally, your perspective is changing, but you still could be reluctant to declare a new allegiance. Nevertheless, you gain power from expressing yourself with integrity. The depth of your convictions is intense, so don't be afraid to say what's on your mind so others know where you stand.

~ cue the theme for Twilight Zone

Randomness of Loss

I’m stuck in stage four ⁽¹⁾. Maybe it just feels like I’m stuck but no one knows how long each stage of grief can last. I’m thinking a lot about things we did, talks we had, fights we had, things about him that still make me laugh... and I thought I was “getting ok”... then a flash of his last breath or his name on the funeral home board will come into my mind and I can’t hold back the tears. It’s been two and a half months, everyone seems to have moved on but I can’t. Sometimes I’m angry but most of the time I just miss him. I miss him, and that makes me angry. I should be happy he is out of pain, happy, with his parents, and where he has always wanted to be. But what about what I wanted? I want him HERE I need him HERE, with me! I still need him. I hate that I am this selfish. I need to talk about him, I can’t help but remember all these things about him and our relationship, and I need to remember those things right now. I just wish I had someone to talk with, other than my Puppy. Puppy is starting to get sick to her stomach and I know it is because I am stressing her out talking to her about Dad – selfishness strikes once again. I can’t talk to Grace because she is so lost in her own world of depressive guilt that she has tunnel vision. I can’t talk to Mom because she is struggling with her own issues.MathMan is going through his own loss right now. And as happy as I am for Pixie and D getting back together, I wish I could talk to her about this but I can’t. She has her own crazyville going on and she is falling in love with D again so that takes up the rest of her time. I understand that, truly, I would probably be the same way if I met the right Person.

I'm trying not to blog too much about how hard this is for me, I want to refocus my posts onto my thoughts/feelings/perspectives relating to my surrender (or current lack of)... but even that reminds me of Dad. Not that I ever submitted to him in that crusty-inbred-Kentucky way, but because he was the one who taught me what the Bible says ⁽²⁾ about being a good loving obedient wife to a Christian Man.

I have been turning back to my faith for support, which also strengths my need to submit to the right Person.

I think this is enough rambling for today. Work is starting to pick up some so I should probably redirect my focus onto something productive.

~ I'm getting pretty fancy-smancy with the footnotes, eh? lol

(1) Stages of Grief

⁽²⁾ Proverbs 12:4; Ephesians 5:22-33; Colossians 3:18-19. There are a lot more, but these were Dad's favorites. Here are some others I liked.

One Step Closer to You

This song brings me to tears every time I hear it. It it is about something that I desire in a relationship, the need to meet half way... the burn to remain connected... the drive to stay 'together' in a world that does it's best to rip happiness apart. Yes, I want this someday.

Right now, Pixie and her SirD are finding it... and its beautiful. So for right now, I dedicate this song to Them.

I love you sis.

One Step Closer to You

Sung by Michael Franti & Spearhead

I've been down for far too long

Till my faith was nearly gone

I never knew somebody just like you

Could be a friend I could call my own

Till I let go of a broken heart

I let go to an open heart

I let go of my broken dreams

I let go to the mystery

And I believe in the miracle

I believe in the spiritual

I believe in the one above

I believe in the one I love

And take one step closer to you

I just take one step closer to you

Even when I've fallen down

My heart says follow through

And I take one step closer to you

I never meant to hurt you no

And you never meant to hurt me too

But it seems like we always do

And even though I'm scared sometimes

If I ever see you falling down

I'll be the one that's there for you

So I let go of a broken heart

I let go to an open heart

I let go of my broken dreams

I let go to the mystery

And I believe in the miracle

I believe in the spiritual

I believe in the One above

I believe in the One I love

And take one step closer to you

I just take one step closer to you

Even when I’ve fallen down

My heart says follow through

I take one step closer to you

I'm walking; I keep on walking to you

I keep on walking to you

I’m walking, I keep on walking to you

I’m walking and I’m never going to stop now

I just take one step closer to you

I just take one step closer to you

Even when I’m fallen down

My heart says follow through

I’ll take one step closer

I’ll take two steps closer

Just take one step closer to you

I just take one step closer to you

And even when I’ve fallen down

My heart says follow through

I take one step closer to you

Happy Birthday Pixie!

Sending very happy birthday wishes to my dearest sister, Pixie.

If I was able to give you exactly what your heart desires, I would do so in a heartbeat. We have been through so much over the last year, both personally and together. I am blessed with your friendship, your support, and your unconditional love. Please know that I am here for you, completely supporting you in whatever choice you make.

You mean the world to me,

and I will be there whenever you need me.

I love you sis, I hope you have a very happy birthday!

Thank you Pixie... for being there

It was my biggest fear... It broke my heart completely... I didn't know what to do, I was completely numb... and then you were there. You were there for me in a time that I needed you the most... I will never be able to thank you enough, for being there for me... Your support helped get me through, when I was losing him...

Thank you sis, for being there.

Beautiful

What beautiful heart and soul here sis :) I LOVE it and it pours forth your deepest desires. Love you sis....

Seeing Pixie

I was able to spend some time with Pixie tonight! It never seems to matter how long we are apart, it never ‘feels’ like it. It was good to see her, and felt amazing to hear her laughing again. She’s had a rough bit of things lately, so we needed that snippet of time together.

Took her some bath bubbles, coloring books, and two kinds of crayons. Just offering a fun way for her to be her. :)

I love you pixie, was so much fun to see you!

P.S. I love that smoking hot black hair!!

Missing my sisters

I thought by being in a job where I had more free time, I would have more time to spend with my sisters... but it hasn't been true. It seems that our lives, all of our lives, have had different plans for each of us.

When I first got back home it was great! We talked a good bit, even arranged a time to spend together to catch-up. But over the last few weeks, it has dwindled down to a few minutes to talk here and there.

I want them to see how funny and sweet Molly is. I want to be able to watch/discuss movies with them... talk about things going on in their lives... They feel so far away, I am missing them so very much this weekend...

I love you grace.
I love you pixie.
I miss you both.

Thank you

You never fail to touch this girl so deeply ("Time in Fairyland") What a wonderfully beautiful woman you are sis....and how truly blessed i am for your support and love...

Your answers although sometimes brutal to the heart I never doubt are spoken with truth and love...

You have walked these 3.5 years right along with me...thank you for helping me in getting through it and letting go when there is no other answer...

Time in Fairyland

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong;
but sometimes it is letting go.”
~Hermann Hesse

I spent a few days with Pixie, it was really nice to see her again! It has been way too long, and so much had happened since the last time we hung out. I got to see her little man and her kids, which was nice. my heart still breaks for her because of what that ass is putting her through she is going through with D. Pixie and I have a level of honesty between us that is amazing and that I treasure... We are able to say things to each other that, would hurt or anger us coming from someone else... but I know she only says things out of love, as I do with her. I do my best to support Pixie in whatever her heart desires, but I had to be firm in the fact that even though she does love D... it doesn't change anything. Relationships are funny like that sometimes... when it comes to making something actually work, love seems to be very low on the 'needs to have' list. Respect. Communication. Compromise. Faith. Forgiveness. Trust. Compassion. Maturity. Then maybe love? Part of my mind cannot wrap around the idea of loving being there when those others are not, but... I know that she loves him... It just doesn't help.

I thought this quote and picture would be the perfect accessory for this post... because sometimes the greater strength comes into play when it is time to let go...

Happy Birthday

I so wish our lives weren't so busy...that so many miles did not separate us and that time wasn't flying by so fast.

I wish we were granted more days like today and that we could spend it together ....and share this special day.

You are the example of optimism and resiliency. You have taught me the value of faith in times of doubt, the need for strength in moments of adversity, the importance of kindness and love always. You are a woman I love, respect and admire the most.

I love you sis