discouraged

I've really been struggling the last few months, I've become so discouraged... I am learning how to manage my condition but I don't know how to integrate that in with my surrender or my relationships.  When I start to get to know someone, I begin to want more for Him... more than someone who is chronically ill... more than someone who has severe fatigue... more than someone who has a broken heart... more than someone with a short life expectancy and building medical bills... I want more for Him... like someone who can participate in bondage and positioning for as long as He wants without having to worry abotu muscle spasms or joint swelling... someone who can just be more of what he needs.  

I wouldn't pick this for my life, I didn't pick this... so I really don't understand why someone would pick a partner who has a chronic illness... why would someone do that to himself? 

Yes yes, I've heard "elana you are sweet and kind"...  "elana you are thoughtful and considerate" ... "elana you are obedient and cute".... yes but those things only go so far...

Sometimes I get so distracted by my limits that I can't see myself for my condition... and if I can't see it, no one else will be able to either.

So what's the point in looking and trying?

Maybe I just need a real break...