Co-Existing

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another, unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. ~ Anais Nin

I love Aanis Nin’s view of things and tend to feel like I can relate with her. Unfortunately, I have not discovered my inner strength to reach that level of surrender without clinging to His control, keeping His service primary in my mind requires me to hunger for His strength frequently. Not that I go kicking and screaming, but the more I submit, the more I crave His control.

Working to live versus living to work. Unfortunately, that is a concept I am just now warming up too... I have been living to work, drowning myself in service to others through my employment. I’ve had to face the fact that I’ve been hiding behind it, so that I didn’t have to... 'get real'. It’s crazy because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am submissive, yet the idea of becoming vulnerable to someone again terrifies me completely. How can those two needs co-exist?

I have learned, though, that I want to stop pushing Others away. Just because Someone can leave me, does not mean He will. If I do not start seeing myself as valuable enough to belong to Another, then how can Anyone see me as worth owning? I want to stop backseat driving, try to have faith in the fact that I will continue to be open and honest with myself -- on all levels. Even those parts that I don't like to talk about or think about, especially those parts.... I have said it a million times in the past, if I am unable to control myself on my own, then no One will be able to control me... I need to truly embrace it now.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anaïs Nin