Being Whole

You have to be whole, then meet a whole person, and the two make a great big whole. But if you are half, and he is half, there is a hole.

A new friend gave me this advice recently, due to some major changes I am going through. I am confident about everything in my life except for my fibromyalgia and my surrender... There has been so much going on emotionally that has me shaken, but I know that peace will come soon... :)

Thank you kali for the advice :)

Saying goodbye...

I believe things happen for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually start to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things all apart so better things can fall together. ~Marilyn Monroe

we all have heartaches, problems and trust issues, but one can not go through life not trusting or loving others. If we have never had heartache we never know what love, or happiness, really is. The optimist thinks the glass is half full, the pessimist thinks it is half empty. Which are you?

Extremely powerful video... Jordon Sparks sings 'No Air'.

Wishing Him most well...

Responsibility

Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible forever, for what you have tamed.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

I love this picture, the peaceful rest that comes from having One you trust completely in control. The ability to relax next to Him, happy just to touch Him, the calm that is produced from focusing on obedience and pleasing Him.

I like this quote and I dislike this quote.

I do think that everyone should not take certain decisions lightly, and that when in control of another, things must be thought out thoroughly. I have never understood the desire to keep a person at home instead of working, but then the complaint of “little money coming in” is voiced almost immediately after. Or on the flip side, the angry stabs of “He is not making decisions!” coupled with non-obedience. I think it all boils down to people who are not happy with themselves cannot be happy with someone else.

But at the same time, one cannot just up and quit one day. Where does that leave your partner? Especially when the One who decides to 'stop' is the One who was in complete control. You guided your partner to this level of dependence and fed her need of your attention, so it is your responsibility to take her back to an appropriate level of independence. It takes two people to keep things alive and fun, just having adventurous interests in the bedroom does not mean that both are off the hook as far as keeping things fresh. I don't think that many Owners understand how intensely ownership hits a girl, that it isn't something she can just 'snap out of' and go back to being Princess Barbie.

When I began this post, I had more to put down. . . but my fibro isn’t allowing me to remain here long (and the pain is distracting my thoughts) so I think I’m finished with this quote. :)

Take me...

Take Me

Kiss me not with tender touch
But lips hard and bruising
Scaling peaks unknown before
With lustful, burning craving.

Touch me not with silken hands
But fingers cruel and grasping
Pinching hunger for my skin
Let loose with needful yearning.

Take me not with gentle love
But brutal, untamed fucking
Crudely plunder to my core
With passions wild wanting.

Taken from Words of Seduction

I Bruise Easily

This is almost exactly what I told my Jarl and Daddy when I first began talking to Them. So much of my past relationships still linger in the form of either nightmares or panicky fears that grip me so tight sometimes I can't breathe for a minute. It’s those little things that make me want to turn and run, before another mark can be made on my fragile heart/soul.

The last 24 hours have been . . . . traumatic - for lack of a better description. Old issues of loss, the extremely touchy subject of someone close passing, and guilt for not doing more for my friend while I could – have all come to a head. Thank God, this morning she is alert and knew who I was. . . but I just have this feeling I cannot shake. I will be so very surprised if the party I had been planning for her birthday (but canceled when she was re-admitted) will take place.

Anyway, enough of that. Back to the song. The lyrics touched my heart in so many ways and really communicate what I need to say the most today. . . to my Jarl. . . and to Daddy. The video rocks too, so click the link with her name and watch it .

~elana

"I Bruise Easily"
Sung by Natasha Bedingfield

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defenses down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
There’s a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can't scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So I’m learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

[Chorus]

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you

So be gentle...

[Chorus]

I bruise easily
I bruise easily

Chains on your heart

When you discover that the chains on your heart
are even stronger than the chains on your wrists,

and find your love for Him shines through in all you do...

then you find the absolute rapture of knowing He possesses you...

body and soul.

A smile. A smirk. Being drawn close to Him. "Well done, girl". Knowing that He has had me on His mind. The heart racing with thoughts of being allowed to converse with Him. The way that His words can take my breath away. Thoughts of His touch. Fantasies of His grasp on my body. These are the many many ways that One would show me that He not only wants me as His, desires me as His, but needs me as His. To know without a shadow of a doubt, that He burns for that as strongly as I ache to be His, would be a powerful combination. Offering my body, heart, soul, and mind up for His pleasure, amusement, whim, or caress. Not that I would want to bring Him discomfort, but to know that He craves my surrender as much as I hunger for His control... only makes me wish for His presence more.

If He were a Poet, I would long to be His muse...

Untitled

It’s been a rough couple of days. A girl is grieving, over several things.

Girl had a ‘Daddy’ she was spending time with, talking, opening up, she felt strongly about, who decided He didn’t want to talk to her anymore because he took a quote the wrong way and then girl told him he was pitching a tantrum for thinking the worst of her without talking to her... Two days now, and he still isn’t talking to her. But if One cannot control His own emotionals and judgements, how can He truly control another? So she is dealing with that loss.

A client’s parent passed and girl was left to try and explain it to him, comfort him... His pain is felt so strongly by this girl, her heart breaks every single time she has to try and help him understand. How can she tell him that he is going to be ok, that he is still loved and his mom will always be looking down on him... when he is going through one of her worst fears? It is so hard for this girl to try and keep her personal issues/fears with death seperate from what her client is going through.

Jarl has been away for almost ten days, she misses Him and His conversations very much. His surgery went well, thankfully, and He is at home recovering... but things didn't go well the last time We spoke and its been 10 days and... with everything else going on, she's extremely un-grounded feeling.

The weather has been a lot of back and forth lately, cold nights, hot days, cold rains ~ and her fibromyalgia has been doing a number on muscles. Girl just feels so isolated, not alone, but secluded, and cannot express what she needs too. The hurt is too intense and girl’s mind is so cloudy.

Maybe this girl is just... tired of the disappointment of learning who she thought Someone was, isn't who He is at all. Of knowing that it still is not her time to find what she craves so deeply.

We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.
~Jim Rohn

Sexual Service

I looked down upon her. "You are a wanton slave," I said. She looked up at me laughing, "A girl in a collar is not permitted inhibitions," she said. It was true, slave girls must reveal their sexual nature, totally. Do they not do so, they are beaten.
~ Marauders of Gor, Page 278

She fell to kissing me, with the lascivious, wanton joy of the slave girl, given no choice but to reveal and liberate, and act upon, completely and with perfection, her deepest, most hidden desires, even though she might in misery, scorn herself for possessing them.
~ Marauders of Gor, Page 296

In my heart, I desire to please another more than I seek my own pleasure. I ache to meet His needs and burn to serve Him in all ways. Even though I am slow to warm up to someone sexually, it is another way I desire to be pleasing. My background has not been the most positive, and I must confess that sexual service is a way that is the most difficult for me, I have very low self-esteem, amorously speaking.

Some would argue that as a slave to Another I should mold my desires after His, change my arousal to things that He requires/enjoys... But to be honest, I do have a need to be pushed past that good girl image into this growling begging white-hot slut who burns so hot for His pleasure that she cries out all these things that would make me blush normally! I need to be able to let go of that constant monitoring of my speech and image, to be allowed to be broken down to that wanton tramp who is so focused on His release that she becomes this animal, slave not only to Him but to her own passion that He stirs up.

When I let go of that part of myself too truly open up, erotically, I tend to get a bit of a potty mouth. That is how I open up to Someone and if He were to turn around and insult me or call 'that part' of me filthy... it really hurts. Once made aware that it bothered me, if were to say that He was only teasing, how can I believe that He is kidding? It was enough of a distraction to Him to interrupt to scold me, no one does that when they are only jesting. It’s so difficult for me to put enough trust in the fact that I can open up with that part of me...

Yes I have had horrific experiences, sexually. I have had non-consensual experiences that have haunted my nightmares for a long time after. I have had consensual encounters that ended in severe abuse. I have been mocked, scorned, humiliated, and verbally attacked based on what turns me on. And that is from those who were supposed to be my partners! Yes I am trying to let go and move beyond these memories, but when I am told that I am 'filthy'... it brings a lot of that back. Which isn’t His fault, of course, how is He to know these things? But how can I bring it up while remaining in 'my place'?

Remaining His slave

More than one master, I suspect, has been enslaved by the beauty who kneels before him. It is one of the excruciating delights of the mastery to expose oneself fully to, and yet skirt, the dangers of the girl's beauty, to keep oneself strong, to draw the absolute fullness of pleasure from her, and yet to resist her wiles, to get everything from her, and yet to keep her on her knees, completely.
~ Slave Girl of Gor

What does he do with this girl? Knows that her heart longs for Him to remain in the Master role, yet what if His feelings for the girl do overshadow those firm boundaries? The girl knows, confidently, that she desires an Owner, Master, Jarl, not a lover. The girl aches to be pleasing, strives to be at her best level, and burns to serve Another. Boundaries, guidance, strength, and control fuel those feelings. Where there is a time and place for gentleness, tenderness, and lovey-dovey whispers; it isn’t something for every moment of the interaction.

The girl needs to be pushed, so that she may grow not only in her slavery but in her knowledge of what will please Him and how to serve Him. She longs to remain in her place as slave to Him, but He must remain in the position of Master/Daddy/Jarl to her. This one doesn't want to be in charge, she doesn't want to be in control, she doesn't want to manipulate or have that power over Him. A girl wishes to obey, to surrender, to be controlled, desires to yield to Him and His desires. Not the other way around. Girl has meet those, both online and offline who allow their slaves to be in control. Basing His own actions on her response, "she doesn't like it when I do this or that." "She disobeyed but loves me so I take it easy on her, she said she was sorry so why punish her?" Who is in charge in that relationship? Clearly, not the 'Master'. This one isn't saying it is right or wrong, only that it isn't for her.

However for the relationship to truly work, the slave must remain in her place so that the Master can remain in His. Keeping in mind where her place is, even when expression her thoughts or preferences (with His permission of course) doing it in a manner that will still be pleasing. Once she goes about making her own choices, decisions, and throwing tantrums ~ there is no way that He can master her then because she has removed herself from the slave role. Then again, this is a topic that girl has posted about previously. Not sure which should happen first, His mastery or her surrender, but both must be present for the relationship to work... Otherwise both are at fault.

Pleasing Him

When you think night and day and every moment only of pleasing me, things will
be very easy for you. ~ Anne Rice

The first thought should be about what is pleasing to Him.

"What will Master desire from this girl?"

"What would make Daddy happy?"

"What will please Him?"

These thoughts should be primary, as a map key to help along the journey of service. Is it really that simple? Yes.

So many over think everything to the point of trying to manipulate Him in some fashion, maybe not on purpose but it doesn’t make it less controlling. Others attempt to emotionally blackmail Him into doing this or not doing that, using her responses to control Him. "Topping from the bottom" -- how I hate those words!

I think this is what I like about Gor. Absolute power exchange is just that, absolute. There is no gray area, it is black and white. There are things that are a Masters place and things that are a slaves place, and the two do not intertwine. I like the set boundaries and responsibilities, it allows this girl to focus on pleasing Him. It also gives a girl a gauge to know how to make choices decisions and how to conduct herself and her time. Confident that He will handle everything else.

So, the only choice this girl has to make. Is "Will this please Him?"

Being Grounded

Last night I slept so well but tonight... serenity will not come. Easily upset and weepy, I know it’s because of my cycle hitting over the weekend and stress of what is coming up. Things today have just been crazy, nothing has gone right this evening and I can't get any time for ... my own peace of mind. I think I just need some 'grounding' -- especially this week. Thursday will be rough, but the worst part will be the two-to-three weeks I will be gone.

What if my Friend forgets all about me? I feel guilty being offline for so long, what will happen to His needs while I am away? What if he forgets all about me? Maybe I should offer Him the break, if He finds another who can be pleasing and available, encourage Him to go for it?

As much as that thought pains me, the thought of Him being without during my absence is worse. It doesn’t mean that when I return, I can’t still spend time with Him. That is, if He will allow it when I return. What normally happens when I go home for a certain period of time, either the One I am interested in takes another slave or changes His mind or gets tired of waiting for me and moves on to someone else. This happens both offline and online. I am not saying that I think I am going to be abandoned again, but I do get a little nervous about it.

Hopefully I will be able to have quality time with Him before then, I need the peace it can bring. As uncertain as I am at how things will go, for right now, I need to admit that I do need time with Him. Just a little more time, His attention is so calming and... and right now I feel like a selfish girl.

I may not have gone where I intended to go,
but I think I have ended up where
I needed to be. ~Douglas Adams