Directions

I love this picture by Daniel Aeschlimann, called 'Hot Water'.

When I first found it, I thought it showed some of my fibro symptoms but now... I am relating to it in another fashion. After my very recent bout with pneumonia, I am connecting with it in that fashion today.... I guess I am feeling better today. Waking up at home, not in the hospital, is always a plus! But my breathing is very labored today and I’m beyond exhausted.

Not to sound all dramatic or anything, but to be realistic... I almost didn't make it. I think that is sinking in more now than it really did before. Especially now that I'm hearing about the people who had the same thing and either didn't make it or it wasn't 'discovered' until the autopsy... And then when you mix in my lupus, and my risks with that alone... I feel so very blessed to be making a recovery... humbled beyond belief... But it makes me question the direction of my life.

Yes I am doing a job that I enjoy... But I'm also almost 30, living at home, completely single, and fewer friends than I realized (judging by how many people called to check on me during my hospital stint)... Even my sister didn't want to come see me at the hospital! I'm a nice girl, I do a lot for a lot of people... Yet, it's not really coming back in my direction. So... is this the way I want my life to go?

Oh and please don't get me started on how fucked up I think this whole "surrender to Another" desire I have has messed up my life.... Is this isolation worth it? Or after over a decade of following this path, without finding anything positive or real, is that a sign that its really NOT for me?

Maybe it should be ‘enough’ to meet someone I can be vanilla with?

Maybe adults really don’t have happy endings or relationships?

Maybe its all part of the fairytales told to children, so they can enjoy being young and innocent?

Maybe I just need to go lay down...