Missing my sisters

I thought by being in a job where I had more free time, I would have more time to spend with my sisters... but it hasn't been true. It seems that our lives, all of our lives, have had different plans for each of us.

When I first got back home it was great! We talked a good bit, even arranged a time to spend together to catch-up. But over the last few weeks, it has dwindled down to a few minutes to talk here and there.

I want them to see how funny and sweet Molly is. I want to be able to watch/discuss movies with them... talk about things going on in their lives... They feel so far away, I am missing them so very much this weekend...

I love you grace.
I love you pixie.
I miss you both.

Runaway Bride

I have seen 'Runaway Bride' a million times, but each time I watch it, I find something new that totally has me captivated. The movie is about a Yankee reporter (Richard Gere) is assigned to write a story about a country woman (Julia Roberts) who has left a string of fiances at the altar. He gets fired when she writes the editor, so he goes to her small town to prove he was right about her. Anyway.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about creating/finding myself, sorting out what I really want/need versus what I think I may want/need. I tend to find myself paired up with guys who don't listen ~ or maybe I'm not the one listening to those little voices in my head telling me that he is so not right for me... I embrace compromise, but I don't want to lose myself either. In the movie, Maggie has this same problem! (Except I don't get to the aisle with the guy, but I do tend to back out of things rather quickly.)

Sometimes I can really relate to this next quote.

Maggie Carpenter: I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things.
Ike Graham: Does it matter?
Maggie Carpenter: I think so.
[takes a deep breath]
Maggie Carpenter: When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.
Ike Graham: Yes, I did.
Maggie Carpenter: I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.

I think within a power exchange relationship this often happens. The submissive/slave is so eager for the Dominant's approval that she may contort who she truly is into something that He desires. While, technically, this is one way that D/s can be viewed, it isn't the nature of the lifestyle. At least, not my lifestyle.

I have done it before, completely sacrificed everything about myself for someone else in an attempt to hold onto that Person's attention/affection... but I was dropped quickly, for someone else who came along who offered something new. I have also lost potential partners because of my own desires to hold onto what makes me 'me', not wanting to change myself/my personality just to 'fit' with another.

Maybe the secret is that first, we find ourselves... and then introduce that 'true self' to Another, then it wouldn't matter if someone else liked 'me' because I would like myself...

This part of the movie always makes me tear up in some fashion. It is just romantically sweet... and I love how realistic it is. I'm not one for the mushy shit found in most lyrics or hallmark cards, but... this is beautiful:

Maggie Carpenter: I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham. Will you marry me?
Ike Graham: I... I've got to think about this a little bit.
Maggie Carpenter: Good. I was hoping you'd say that.
Ike Graham: [laughing] You were not!
Maggie Carpenter: I was, because if you said "yes" right away, then I wouldn't get to say this next part, and I've been practicing.
[Maggie sits down, clears her throat]
Maggie Carpenter: Ready?
Ike Graham: I'm listening.
Maggie Carpenter: I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is going to want get out. But I also guarantee... that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart... you're the only one for me.

Hancock

I finally got around to watching 'Hancock'.

I know he was a drunk.

I know he had anger issues.

I know it wasn't exactly the best made movie.

But I was very moved by it... Not as an action movie, but as a chick-flick.

Seeing the spark between Hancock and Mary, how being close to her brought down his defenses... making him vulnerable, her own walls crumbling when she is near him... That undeniable chemistry, which may be unwelcomed at times, that truly allows the other person to not only see us as we truly are but... even opens us up to injury/harm. Isn't that how love works?

Besides, I have never met a man who didn't think he was some kind of secret superhero. ;)

Being Stuck

From a dear Friend...

elana,

You have arrested the natural pendulum of emotion -- it is stuck. Sure you don't feel the lows but you also don't feel the highs, that creates frustration. Which is where the girl has been, kind of numb, in the middle. Which is why the hurt it is a coping technique. And it works, temporarily. But we oft times forget to set it aside once we've mended. We rely upon it [the hurt] and in turn... we isolate ourselves from our SELVES

Read and study more here,

http://www.thework.com/thework.asp

Be Well,
A Friend

And I fear, that He may be right...

When I over-analyze

Do you ever find that you over-analyze?
If so, does that ever interfere with your service?

~Topic provided by Sensual Service

I do this all of the time. It is something I would like to learn to stop doing, when I belong to Another. I have learned over the years, that when I am over-thinking, dreaming or scheming about how things should be or what should happen, He has no control. When my words (I want Him in control) and my actions (constantly rethinking everything) do not match, then I have to try and figure out the root of my over-analyzing.

Like many other submissives/slaves, I tend to be quick to say "He isn't listening to me!" or "I can't trust Him when I don't feel as though I matter." When sometimes the problem is that I do not trust myself... Some girls will use their rethinking to manipulate another, when that is sincerely NOT my intention... I just need to trust myself when it comes to trusting Another. Sometimes what sounds like the easiest thing (letting go) is often the most difficult...

Creating Oneself

There's no reality except the one contained within us. That's why so many people live an unreal life. They take images outside them for reality and
never allow the world within them to assert itself.
~Hermann Hesse

I think that we all go through periods of not feeling ‘like ourselves’. And there isn’t anything really wrong with that, unless we give up on ‘creating ourselves’. I don’t think that anyone is already formed, exactly how they will be, so that all they have to do is exist to be the person they want to be... I hear so many people that have given up, because “this isn’t who I wanted to be”... then change it! That power lies in our own hands and we can shift who we are, to what/who we want to become. It isn’t easy... but life isn’t supposed to be easy.

So that is my . . . mindset lately, trying to shift who I am now into who I want to be. I don’t like that I am a bit harsh at times, a bitch at other times, and so jaded by my experiences that I don’t believe in natural goodness or the ability of love to heal all things. As much as I want to say that I believe in those things, I don’t think I do anymore. But I want to.

I am in the process of putting my family first again, after God of course. . . but not at the price of putting myself last anymore. I’m trying to listen to my heart on what I desire, sort out my needs by level of importance so I will know what I can compromise on... I’m reorganizing everything. I want to put my fears away, transfer my confidence back to the front, and try to release my negativity so that I stop hiding.

I’m not saying that any of these things will change anything at all, but... I think it will be easier for me to find happiness once I am happy with myself.

Because in my new reality, I’m important too. :)

Mi Vida Loca

I've always seen myself as level headed, passion driven yes, but still level headed. Yet, tonight at the Rodeo (which was awesome!), a cowgirl was barrel racing to part of this song and Smokee (Grace's husband) said that it is talking about me!

So I got to thinking about the last few years... and once I added in my 'favorite expression' when it comes to relationships... I think the first verse definately fits me! I think I need that as my 'warning label': faint at heart need not apply. Heavens know I do tend to chew up the weak and spit them out...

Mi Vida Loca (My Crazy Life)
Sung by Pam Tillis

If you're coming with me you need nerves of steel
'Cause I take corners on two wheels
It's a never-ending circus ride
The faint of heart need not apply

(chorus)
Mi vida loca over and over
Destiny turns on a dime
I go where the wind blows
You can't tame a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

Sweetheart before this night is through
I could fall in love with you
Come dancing on the edge with me
Let my passion set you free

~chorus~

Here in the firelight I see your tattoo
Mi vida loco, so you're crazy too

~chorus~

We'll go where the wind blows
And I'll be a wild rose
Welcome to my crazy life

People with Disabilities

A class at work brought this back to my mind, though this tragedy never leaves my heart.

THE EUGENICS PERIOD

• Prohibition against people with disabilities from moving to the United States
• Prohibition against people with disabilities marrying
• Prohibition against people with disabilities having children
• Mass institutionalization
• Forced sterilization

This is too horrific to be fiction, even the thought of it shatters my heart... I cannot imagine what it was like to be living with a disability in this period. I would say that it wasn't living at all, but existing.

Overcoming Past Barriers

What world and national events occurred that influenced a CHANGE in disability policy and practice?

* World War I and World War II
* Returning Veterans with disabilities integrated into communities
* John F. Kennedy became President - he had a family member with a disability
* A special President's Panel on Mental Retardation was formed
* The Civil Rights Movement
* The Feminist movement


1960's

* Research Centers and Training Programs - Funding for research centers and training programs to identify best practices and prevention strategies for mental retardation was provided.
* Health services for mothers and children were established during this time period.
* 1968 - The Architectural Barriers Act - Required that federally constructed buildings and facilities must be accessible and usable by persons with physical disabilities.

1970's

* 1970 - The Developmental Disabilities Services and Facilities Construction Amendments (P.L. 517) - Constituted the first congressional effort to address the specific needs of people with developmental disabilities. It required a State plan to describe the quality and extent of services available.
* 1973 - The Rehabilitation Act - Prohibited discrimination against persons with disabilities in executive agencies and in any program receiving federal funds. It also created a federal board to coordinate and monitor access to public buildings and transportation.
* 1975 - The Education for all Handicapped Children Act of 1975 (P.L. 94-144) - Mandated a free, appropriate public education for all children with disabilities in the least restrictive environment.
* 1975 - The Developmental Disabilities Assistance and Bill of Rights Act - Funded services for persons with developmental or severe long-term disabilities, established a system of protection and advocacy organizations, and outlined a series of rights.
 1976: Higher Education Act of 1972- Provided services to students with physical disabilities who were entering college.

1980's

* 1980 - The Civil Rights of Institutionalized Persons Act - Authorized the U.S. Department of Justice to sue states for alleged violations of the rights of people living in institutions.
* 1984 - The Voting Accessibility for the Elderly and Handicapped Act required that registration and polling places for federal elections be accessible to persons with disabilities.
* 1986 - The National Council on the Handicapped Issues wrote a publication, Toward Independence, which outlined the legal status of Americans with disabilities and documented discrimination. It also called for federal civil rights legislation.
* 1986 - The Protection and Advocacy for Mentally Ill Individuals Act - Set up protection and advocacy agencies for people residing in mental health facilities.
* 1986 - The Air Carrier Access Act - Prohibited discrimination against persons with disabilities.
* 1987: The Rehabilitation Act was amended -It modified funding regarding institutional care to affirm that it is in the national interest to offer people with developmental disabilities the opportunity, to the maximum extent feasible, to make decisions for themselves and to live in typical homes and communities where they can exercise their full rights and responsibilities as citizens.
* 1988 - The Fair Housing Act Amendments - Added persons with disabilities as a group protected from discrimination in housing and ensured that persons with disabilities are allowed to adapt their dwelling place to meet their needs.
* 1988 - The Technology-Related Assistance for Individuals with Disabilities Act - Provided grants to develop assisting technology programs for persons with disabilities.

1990's

* 1990 - The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act Amendments (IDEA) - Reauthorized programs under the Education of the Handicapped Act to improve support services to students with disabilities, especially in the areas of transition and assistive technology.
* 1990 - The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) - Prohibited discrimination against anyone who has a mental or physical disability in the area of employment, public services, transportation, public accommodations, and telecommunications.
* 1990 - The Television Decoder Circuitry Act - Required closed caption decoders to be part of all televisions with screens13 inches and larger.
* 1991 - Individuals with Disabilities Education Act of 1991 - Enhanced infant and toddler programs and extended the IDEA support programs.
* 1992 - The Rehabilitation Act Amendments - Included changes intended to increase access to state vocational rehabilitation systems, to enable consumers to have greater control in the rehabilitation process, and to provide opportunities for career advancement.
* 1993: The National Voter Registration Act also known as the "Motor Voter Act" - Made it easier for all Americans, including persons with disabilities, to exercise their right to vote by expanding sites for voter registration.
* 1994 - Technology-Related Assistance for Individuals with Disabilities Act (reauthorized the 1988 "Tech Act" )- Established to develop consumer-driven, statewide service delivery systems that increase access to assistive technology devices and services to individuals of all ages with disabilities. The 1994 amendments emphasized advocacy, systems changes activities and consumer involvement.
* 1996 - Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) Amendments of 1995 - Included a new family resource and support program that supports state efforts to develop, operate, expand and enhance a network of community-based, prevention-focused, family resource and support programs which would be equipped to address, among other things, the additional family support needs of families with children with disabilities.
* 1996 - The Developmental Disabilities Assistance and Bill of Rights Act Amendments - Enhanced Developmental Disabilities Councils, Protection and Advocacy Systems, University Affiliated Programs, and Projects of National Significance.
* 1996 - Telecommunications Act - Required that telecommunication equipment and services be accessible and usable by persons with disabilities.
1998 - The Assistive Technology Act - Continued federal funding for states to improve and expand access to assistive technology devices and services for people with disabilities.


Why did it take sooo long for people with disabilities to be seen as citizens/people? I have shoes older than that... The worst part is, that one was not considered disabled by the same means we use today, it could of been as easy back then as your family not wanting you around.

The whole thing just breaks my heart.

One year.

In loving memory, of Julia...
Missed, but never forgotten.

Seasons of Love
From Rent

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.
Seasons of love.


525,600 minutes!
525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life
of a woman or man?


In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.


It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.

Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love!
Seasons of love.

Already...

It has been 364 days.

I had no clue I would miss her this much. I still have moments of wanting to call and tell her about something funny that happened at work, or go by and want to show her my haircut. Mom says I always will feel her loss... but that it will get easier or I'll get used to it, she isn't sure which happens.

I promised her that I wouldn't go to her grave, because she will not be there... And I haven't.

I promised her that I would make sure her husband was ok... and I did.

But I still wish I could talk with her...

Take My Hand

"Take my hand, let's climb the mountain of life together. And when we get to the top, don't look down, the fall is too steep alone,but keep looking at your Master. Then when you get to the top, we will enjoy it, then I will nudge you off the mountain, and you will fly. You will soar. But don't worry, you won't fall, I will be the wind beneath your wings.

Don't be afraid lil girl.
Daddy is here."

~ Written by Sir Samuel, used with His permission.

I have no words to add to this... Just that it touched my heart, that small protected piece that I keep hidden...

Thank you Sir Samuel for allowing this girl to share your words.