my Fairy Tale

I don’t want to be the strong one anymore. I hate always having to be the ‘strong one’. I can’t do it right now, I’m faking my way through it and . . . . no one has even noticed. Perhaps someone is aware of my inner struggle but is too polite to say something about it. But that is unlikely.

I feel so alone most of the time that I’m beginning to withdraw from everyone around me. I’m not depressed, and its not anxiety, its just. . . easy for me to get lost in thought lately. Most of the time, I’m upbeat and laughing but when that lonely feeling hits, it hits so hard I can’t breathe.

I know it is my own fault. I bust my ass at work, bending over backwards to take care of my clients and protect my staff. 24/7, all month long, really takes its toll on my body and my fibromyalgia flares up so badly that by the time my ‘off days’ come around, sometimes I can barely walk. So I hole up for a few days, either with my parents or at my sisters, resting and recuperating. By the time that I’m feeling better and want to go do something, its time for me to return to work. My clients need me, I have allowed myself so close that I see them as my children, and they see me as a mother.

Swimming, fishing, crocheting, board games, reading, movies, music, etc ~ the things I enjoy doing, you don’t do in groups. Even when I meet others who enjoy it, the fibro places such strict limitations as to when I can go and what I can do that. . . others don’t stick around long enough to participate with me. Its not like I can find a community based group who “likes to listen to jazz and big band swing while playing canasta”. And when I do meet others who have the same interest, the joining fee is crazy expensive or I can’t make long term plans because of my job.

I’m not saying that I am desperate, far from it. If it was just human contact, casual sex, another’s touch I wanted, I could easily have it. I think what my heart hungers for the most, is having that person who truly doesn’t WANT anything from me – other than who I am. Able to offer total honesty and my sincere service, obeying Him and that will be enough. Yes, he may have expectations for my service or preferences in my behavior, but . . . as far as wanting something in return from me, He doesn’t.

Not all the time of course, but sometimes . . . I would be enough. He would be the strong one. He would be the decisive one. He would just allow me to . . . be. Giving me permission to place my head on his chest while He watches a movie, or allows me to rest at His feet while He reads, just to be close to Him – so that I know that everything will be ok. . . because He is there.

So much is going crazy right now, and has been for a few weeks. Work, family, friends, my fibromyalgia. . . . I just need a break from all of it. Not a break as in ‘disconnection’ but someone to sit me down, say ‘elana, that is enough’ and allow me just to. . . be His. Safe in Daddy's arms. Secure in His service. Focus on pleasing Him, obeying Him. And He would take care of anything else until I am strong enough again.

This is my fairy tale.

I know in my head that only I can be strong enough to endure what I go through on a daily basis. I know that I am the only person I can truly count on to ensure that my responsibilities are taken care of and everything is followed through. I am not saying that I need a man for any of this, trust me I know that I don't. But sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning, my heart hopes to meet the One who is not only strong enough but . . . wants to be there for me, in those ways.