STOP IT!!!!!

STOP ASKING IF I'M OK!

STOP TRYING TO HOLD/SQUEEZE MY HAND!

STOP TOUCHING ME!!

STOP ASSUMING THAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW TO GET YOU THROUGH THIS!

STOP TELLING ME I AM BEING SELFISH!

STOP LOOKING AT ME "LIKE THAT"!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!

STOP ALL OF IT!

How can I be ok? People ask me that so I will say "Yes how are you" when I really don't give a rats ass how in the hell any of them are! No, I'm not ok. Who would be ok right now? How am I supposed to be ok? This is beyond the hardest thing I have EVER had to do and no one knows what to say. That's ok, because I don't know what to say either. Stop looking at me like you are expecting the entire house to crumble after the wrecking ball comes through -- I'm far to proud to give any of you the satisfaction of seeing that. And no, I don't give a shit how you are doing but thank you for trying to manipulate me into asking.

I'm so angry ~ yes I know that is part of the grieving process. I'm not a fucking stupid. I know this is healthy but why doesn't anyone else want to SHUT THE HELL UP and let me process? Very few would help or even listen when we were struggling so badly a few months ago. So why does everyone want to talk to me now? I don't need any of them now, I needed them then.

And if ONE.MORE.PERSON comes up to me with shit about my Dad I will knock.your.block.off and I don't care WHO you are related to. My Dad was a complicated person who was struggling with a mental illness. When He was 'in his right mind' he was the gentlest, sweetest, most thoughtful God-fearing person I have ever met. He taught me compassion, empathy, respect and how to find the silver lining. He also taught me how to jerry rig almost anything. Another thing that my Dad taught by example, was that by making things an adventure, each day can be a good day and every task can be accomplished. When he was struggling with his illness, all of those traits that were the flip-side of his natural personality came to the surface. That wasn't my Dad, that was the illness. Yes it hurt a lot that he didn't do things he used to, that he didn't say things like he used to and that he couldn't see past his own tunnel of drama. But I always knew he loved me, he told me every day. Yes I got frustrated with him and angry with him, but when he was well he was a damn good man. And some people have the nerve to run their mouth about him now? I still have the right to love him, miss him, and mourn who he was. Not just at the end, but during his whole 52 years.

This post excludes those that I feel close enough to that their touch doesn't bother me, it is actually a comfort. This is the rest of the hypocritical dumbass population that want to fake their way through this now to compensate for their guilt because they had their thumbs up their own ass lost in their own nasty shit to even THINK about someone else -- let along be there for anyone else when they were needed. To the friends who are truly there for me, through the thick and thin, I cannot thank you enough. But the rest of them can fuck off.

My Dad wasn't perfect. I'm not perfect. My relationship with Dad wasn't perfect... but my world is the one that has changed the most.

I was the one that defended him.

I was the only one in the family that talked to him regularly.

I spoke with the doctors, the nurses, the techs, and him.

I was the one who made regular visits and kept up with what was going on with his medications.

I was the one who had to make the hard choices.

I was the one that worked to get him into a skilled facility because I couldn't take care of him at home anymore.

I was the one that had to have him admitted to a behavioral center for psy evaluation.

I was the one that made the end of life choices that allowed him to leave me.

I was the one he promised he wouldn't leave.... what am I going to do now?

I am the one at peace because he is no longer in pain.

But I still need him. Yes I am being selfish right now, but my last year has been all about him... this time it has to be about me.

I would do it ALL again in a heartbeat.

You may have seen Clark Kent, but I always knew he was Superman.

And no, I'm not ok. Oh I'm not going to reciprocate, but thank you for asking.