Tonight I forgot and started thinking about what I would take him tomorrow when I went to go see him. my heart is screaming that it isn't real, that it was a dream. That as soon as I get there tomorrow my Dad will be there and everything will be "back to normal". I started shuffling through pictures on my cell phone, looking for that joke a girl at work sent me I wanted to show him... and I run across the picture of his grave with the flowers from the service on it... and I remember. And I lose him all over again. When will it feel real? When will I be able to accept that this is my new reality?
I thought the hardest thing I would have to do would be to sign him into a nursing home (in august 09)... but there was no other way to ensure he was taken care of. Then I thought the hardest thing I would have to do is sign papers so they could incubate him to try and save him... But that was a no brainer, I wasn't ready to let him go so soon. And then the decision had to be made to let him go and I was the one to do that too... At that point, I just wanted Dad to be at peace and out of pain... but now, I want him back. I still need him.... I hate myself in these moments, my selfishness knowing that even another second of him isnt worth the pain and misery he was in for so long... Louder my heart tells me it isn't real, that this has been a horrible dream from too much stress and not enough reset... And I get lost all over again.
When does it stop?
When will I feel normal again?
I don't want to forget anymore... Because remembering is too hard.
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