lost in grief

Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me as if
I were beside you there.
~ Isla Paschal Richardson

I know that is what Dad would want. I've tried so hard to give that to him -- or rather to his memory. This afternoon, I'm not strong enough. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss getting angry at him. I miss fighting with him. I miss laughing with him. I just miss him, everything about him. The way he smells, the way he laughs, the way he snores, even the way he cries.

I am so confused right now, everything is going crazy and I can't catch my breath. Work is moving to fast. Some friends are putting way too much pressure on me. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know anything right now -- just that I miss him and I don't want to be where I'm at. No, I don't know where I would rather be instead. I'm doing a pretty good job faking it, I think that most people have moved on to something else... but I can't. I don't know how.

I can't sleep. Last night I took a sleep aid for the first time ever and all it did was give me the worst dream yet... and a headache today. I haven't slept in weeks... my dreams are getting worse and I think I'm losing it. I don't know why I can't sleep, and no I don't want to talk about. There is nothing to talk about. My Dad died. Not her husband, not her father, not his father in law, my Dad. My Dad died... and I can't seem to let go of how much it hurts.

I feel so messed up that I don't know if I am coming or going

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to

Alice: I don't much care where.

The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.

Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.

0The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland