Trust... and letting go

Trust is knowing you're perfectly safe
when you're absolutely vulnerable.

I have felt completely vulnerable a number of times, but have yet to feel perfectly safe with a Man. Once in a blue moon, Someone will lure me close enough that I lower a wall, and begin to open up to Him. However, the more I begin to share, the more distant He will become. I don’t know why this happens. Perhaps I am too intense. Perhaps I am looking for the impossible. Perhaps my needs are too great and my desire burns to hotly. Perhaps... they weren’t truly interested in that exchange of power that can seem so close, yet be so far out of reach.

The little girl is cautious, yet playful. Most of the time, He doesn’t even realize she is still holding Him at arm’s length. But the slave... things are very black and white with her. Either she can trust Him, or she can’t. She is the hardest to reach because she is the absolute most vulnerable. There is no way the slave within can protect herself – the drive to surrender is too great, the ache to release control, the burn to please is overwhelming. She is the absolute most vulnerable part of me. Perhaps that is why one of my biggest fantasies is emotional, not physical.

Yes I want to serve Him. Yes I want Him to be my priority and be able to have complete faith that He will protect me, guide me, and nurture me just as I strive to please Him. I'm not saying that I need this all the time or want it every night, but... sometimes I do need my Partner to be that anchor while my world is in a horrible storm. This emotional need is very difficult to explain... However these lyrics to 'Fall' describe it beautifully.

You can only be strong
So long before you break
So fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear
Every worry every tear
I’m right here.

Ultimately, I want to be able to trust Him in every way... even emotionally, with that wounded slave deep within who still burns to serve, even though the pain has dimmed it a bit to a flicker. Surely, somewhere, there is that One who I can not only trust completely, but will lure that slave into growth... for His service.