Listening

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. ~Folklore

I have always believed this in some sense, that in our guts we know what we need to do. I have trusted this for many big decisions that I have had to make. But what happens when we cannot hear the answers? I've always figured that was because it wasn't time or the right One or something along those lines... But now I'm not so sure...

I've been accused of hiding, withdrawing so far into myself that I cannot hear anything anymore... and I think its a valid description of the state I am in right now. Its not that I want to be alone or left alone... On the contary.

Maybe that is what I am learning right now, that even though I know I don’t need a partner, that its ok that I want one? Easier said than done, eh? Don’t get me wrong, I get asked out a good bit and know that I can attract someone... but when it comes to revealing my big secret, the guys tend to drop like flies. When they run, I blame myself... when they don’t run, I tend to think they are only deseperate for anyone at all.

I've always thought about what I wanted as a submissive/slave, but lately I have been thinking about what I want as a woman... Is it wrong to want to combine the two? Love and surrender? Or is that m fear talking, desiring love from Someone so that He won't hurt me... or would that open me up to His pain even more? Its hard to tell, and I can't exactly make out what my gut is telling me... All that I know now is that I want something real, need patience, and crave guidance... but other than that, or even looking at it as far as a potential partner... I'm hearing absolute silence. Almost as though my gut doesn't want anything at all? But my head knows that isn't true...

So maybe my Friend is right, I do need to focus on me, accepting and truly loving myself, getting myself back into focus... so that one day I can hear myself again?

'The Tear', drawn by MasterSketch,used with His permission.