Family Changes

We come fresh to the different stages of life, and in each of them we are quite inexperienced, no matter how old we are. ~ Francois de la Rochefoucauld

my great Uncle passed over the weekend. We were not close, nor did I see him often… but I am happy that he is not suffering anymore. I'm kind of numb about the whole thing, I really didn't know him very well. I don't believe in putting on this huge dramatic display of overwhelming loss, I feel that loss and grieving is a private thing. He looked amazing, like he was sleeping. But to be completely honest, death is something I have never been comfortable with. I'm intensely scared of it and my biggest fears are the losses of my very close family members...

It has really shaken up my Grandmother, understandably as he was like her brother. She is whom I am concerned about right now. Plus his passing has reminded me of how fragile life is... how quickly it can be over. More for selfish reasons than the fact that I would miss them. What happens to my family when the matriarch passes? The family seems to splinter off into smaller families, never to come together again. I am completely single with no children of my own. And most of the time I am perfectly happy about that, but times like this, makes me fear being alone... not having that family support that I have been blessed with, not having those close members to argue and fight with, knowing that it can turn on a dime and I will have their complete encouragement. But I think it would be worse to have a child later, knowing that my parents or my Grandmother will not get to meet the baby. It already makes me cry thinking that my Dad's parents will never meet anyone that is important to me now.

Ugh.

I should also mention that I've been having a fibro-draining weekend, uncomfortable and boarderline in pain, but not enough to truly take anything strong for relief. Very long day at work, having to sit at the desk and work all day is causing my joints/muscles to ache. Nothing is 'wrong' exactly, but something just isn't 'right' either. At least my horoscope gave me a small smile, hoping that something good will come from all of this foggy confusion.

June 8, 2009: Leo: It might be hard to find the uplifting needle in a haystack of doom and gloom today, but your search will probably uncover important realizations that can change your day for the better. You are learning a lot about maintaining your own emotional health now, yet what you discover may not be what you expect. This isn't an easy journey, but digging beneath the surface changes your perspective and gives you a whole new point of view.