With a broken heart. . . .

"We like to think that we are rational beings; humane, conscientious, civilized, thoughtful. But when things fall apart, even just a little, it becomes clear we are not better than animals. We have opposable thumbs, we think, we walk erect, we speak, we dream, but deep down we are still routing around in the primordial ooze; biting, clawing, scratching out an existence in the cold, dark world like the rest of the tree-toads and sloths."
~Greys Anatomy

Many people like to believe that we are better than animals, human beings capable of complicated thought, intoxicating desires, fierce anger, and extraordinary adventures. . . But once we are hurt, we all respond the same. Lashing out to everyone, anyone in our path, guarding ourselves with a blinding fierceness so that anyone without range is attacked and destroyed. Spewing venom and using whatever we can to assault the other, suddenly. . . this elegant thoughtful animal is after blood.

Tonight I got the call I never thought I would never get. I accept pixie’s choice to end our 8-year friendship. I don’t agree with her reasons but I will accept her decision. To put it in her words, "I will email you in a few days after I think and after that I want no more contact with you."

In the past, I have fought to get her back, chased her through emails and phone calls until she could call one day and it would all back to normal. If it had been anyone else, I would have ended things between that friend who hurt me so badly and I, or would have checked out of the friendship. But because it was pixie, I didn’t. I always believed that whatever happened was not intended to hurt me as badly as it did. I always gave her a chance to explain and believed her reasons, no matter how thoughtless they sounded or what little sense they made to me at that time. I knew, deep down, she wouldn't hurt me intentionally. Apparently she doesn’t have that level of faith in me.

I think the part that hurt the absolute most, was when pixie said “I didn’t think anything of it but my daughter spent several hours until I realized what you did to me.” I’ve been nothing but good to pixie and her children, and knowing pixie as I do, things were presented out of context to the daughter. . . who doesn’t understand the connection pixie and I share. . . shared. . . share?

I changed my blog address yesterday, so that isn’t related to what happened. But yes, I have removed her from my author's list. Yes I deleted the speed dials link to her contact information. Yes I will eventually take her number from my cell. . . but not because I am feeling guilty. . . because I miss her already. . . I’m trying so hard to respect her decision to end our friendship, and on some level. . . I’m not strong enough to do this later, so it has to be done now. . . . while I am still hurt from her attack.

I always thought she loved me unconditionally, as I love her, but it seems she found a way to push me away. I have always trusted her completely, yet she has no faith in me at all. And if this is what she truly wants. . . I will honor that request.