I am reading a book by Christine Feehan (I LOVE her!) and one of the characters just had this revelation that until she deals with her ‘issues’ in a healthy way, they will continue to take her off guard and come out of no where. But once a person has worked through the problems, the memories will be from a place of strength because the person is no longer slave to those memories. Instead of a victim, he or she becomes a survivor.
Like so many other people, I have had my trust violated in the past. Abusive relationships and non-consensual events happen every day; as much as I wish they didn’t, they do. As much as I would like to think that the abuser is also left with scars that . . . never seem to heal, it seems it is only the one who was abused. Even after the nightmares stop, the event becomes a sometimes thought in the background instead of constantly in the background of her mind, some form of disfigurement still remains. Especially with those who foolishly believe they have finally become free of it.
This girl’s physical scars healed a long time ago. The mental scars took a bit longer, but they too have been cured. Until this week, the girl had no idea her emotional wounds have gone untended. I always thought that it was natural to take a long time to develop trust, opening up emotionally is difficult but especially after everything in my past. I go to the extremes, either the person does not reach me at all or I become this emotionally raw nerve that cannot handle the stimulation.
On some level, I knew that intimacy is difficult for me . . . but now I realize that I am and have been completely emotionally disconnected from being physical with someone. Yes I have engaged with another person since the violations, but it doesn’t really mean much to me. It has been this animalistic hormonal need for release, not an act that is an expression of love respect and affection. Talking about it is like talking about the weather to me, it doesn’t touch or reflect anything about my personality, thoughts or feelings.
Perhaps being able to admit that this is an area I need to work on or become more conscious of is the first step towards emotional healing. What gives me comfort, though, is that in the book, Feehan’s character (who had the same problem) had a partner that understood. Then again, that is imaginary and this is real life. . . .
Like so many other people, I have had my trust violated in the past. Abusive relationships and non-consensual events happen every day; as much as I wish they didn’t, they do. As much as I would like to think that the abuser is also left with scars that . . . never seem to heal, it seems it is only the one who was abused. Even after the nightmares stop, the event becomes a sometimes thought in the background instead of constantly in the background of her mind, some form of disfigurement still remains. Especially with those who foolishly believe they have finally become free of it.
This girl’s physical scars healed a long time ago. The mental scars took a bit longer, but they too have been cured. Until this week, the girl had no idea her emotional wounds have gone untended. I always thought that it was natural to take a long time to develop trust, opening up emotionally is difficult but especially after everything in my past. I go to the extremes, either the person does not reach me at all or I become this emotionally raw nerve that cannot handle the stimulation.
On some level, I knew that intimacy is difficult for me . . . but now I realize that I am and have been completely emotionally disconnected from being physical with someone. Yes I have engaged with another person since the violations, but it doesn’t really mean much to me. It has been this animalistic hormonal need for release, not an act that is an expression of love respect and affection. Talking about it is like talking about the weather to me, it doesn’t touch or reflect anything about my personality, thoughts or feelings.
Perhaps being able to admit that this is an area I need to work on or become more conscious of is the first step towards emotional healing. What gives me comfort, though, is that in the book, Feehan’s character (who had the same problem) had a partner that understood. Then again, that is imaginary and this is real life. . . .
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