Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess.
~ Thomas Merton
This is a favorite quote of mine, something I truly believe with every ounce of my being. I do not want to submit to Another because I cannot make my own choices, I want to surrender to Him because I want Him to make those decisions for me. Most of the time, I am in control of my emotions, my responses, and my environment. However, no one is perfect. I am not sure what is going on with me. I am beginning to think that maybe I am not truly a slave, things have been so... off for me the last few days. That little girl part of me has withdrawn, gone into hiding or maybe she is simply hibernating. I’m having a hard time coloring and last night, not even my ‘Wizard of Oz’ could bring comfort or peace.
What if it isn’t just the little girl that is slipping away? What if my nature is shifting? What if I am not truly submissive? These questions, although based in insecurities, are something I need to consider. I know that deep down, I need to serve Another. I know that I want Someone to be in control so that I can surrender and obey. What if that is just an escape? Maybe my own intense hunger for that is transforming into a fear of not finding it? Aching for something strongly is not a guarantee that it will come about. No, I am not allowing my fear to control me, this feeling of disappearing is very real to me.
I have been working an unrealistic amount of hours, a hectic schedule, and not getting enough rest. I have had some medical stuff that is keeping me in nervous fits and I have to keep adjusting my timetable for the month. On top of that, they have began adjusting my fibro medicine which tends to cause some emotional backlash. A Friend said something earlier when I spoke to Him a bout a health possibility, He said it was “good to know so One can decide if He wants to take the risk of someone with that.” Truth be told, my heart sank. I felt so alone, and have since. I grew up thinking that One who truly cares about another, as long as there was complete honesty, would simply make it work, no matter the situation. I needed His support that things would be ok, but instead He brought it back around to Himself. That is His right, I guess. Then again, I don’t belong to Him so is it His right? Or because I cannot get control over my own situations, can I truly submit to Another?
These thoughts have waken me up tonight, but now that I've posted...
I'm going back to bed.
What if it isn’t just the little girl that is slipping away? What if my nature is shifting? What if I am not truly submissive? These questions, although based in insecurities, are something I need to consider. I know that deep down, I need to serve Another. I know that I want Someone to be in control so that I can surrender and obey. What if that is just an escape? Maybe my own intense hunger for that is transforming into a fear of not finding it? Aching for something strongly is not a guarantee that it will come about. No, I am not allowing my fear to control me, this feeling of disappearing is very real to me.
I have been working an unrealistic amount of hours, a hectic schedule, and not getting enough rest. I have had some medical stuff that is keeping me in nervous fits and I have to keep adjusting my timetable for the month. On top of that, they have began adjusting my fibro medicine which tends to cause some emotional backlash. A Friend said something earlier when I spoke to Him a bout a health possibility, He said it was “good to know so One can decide if He wants to take the risk of someone with that.” Truth be told, my heart sank. I felt so alone, and have since. I grew up thinking that One who truly cares about another, as long as there was complete honesty, would simply make it work, no matter the situation. I needed His support that things would be ok, but instead He brought it back around to Himself. That is His right, I guess. Then again, I don’t belong to Him so is it His right? Or because I cannot get control over my own situations, can I truly submit to Another?
These thoughts have waken me up tonight, but now that I've posted...
I'm going back to bed.
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