For the most part, I can control myself, my actions, my words, and my responses. Even if I have to disconnect to a certain extent, I can keep pretty much to myself so that others don’t know that my feelings have been hurt. However, I have zero control over my little girl side. Once she connects with someone, its impossible for me to reign her in unless I shut her down completely. Its not that I don’t want that connection with someone, its just that that part of me doesn’t understand things that the rest of me does. For example, there are 1,440 minutes in one 24-hour period. That is 2, 880 minutes in a 48 hour period. I understand how someone can get caught up in what they are doing and be either too busy or too tired to contact me at all. The little girl side of me doesn’t understand how in one thousand four hundred and forty minutes, there aren’t two minutes to send an email or even thirty seconds to send a text message. The ONLY way that makes sense to the little girl side of me is that the person in question was not thinking of me at all, period. Or that talking to me is clearly not a priority. It’s not that any part of me wants someone to devote all of his time and attention to me, but to not be able to make thirty seconds for me?The hardest part is that I don't know how to make her understand... While I know in my head it is unrealistic to a certain extent, I don't know how to keep that part of me from getting her hopes up and keeping her from connecting strongly too quickly. The only way I know how to do that is to shut her down, but I'm not able to completely silence her...
She is also the part of me that wants to be close to Someone else, who aches to share her secrets and hopes for One she can trust completely. It's my job to try and take care of her, including protect her. Apparently I'm not doing that very well right now...
No comments:
Post a Comment