This is me

Sometimes I get so lost in thought, emotions, confusion, and my own questions that I can't pull things together to truly communicate it to someone else. The more that I open up, either to someone else or here on the blog, the harder it is for me to maintain that level of confidence that I have done the right thing.

Talking with DaddyBear in the wee hours of the morning while He was going home and I'm still at work... . I described it almost as being in the dark (like in a movie theater). . . then going out into the parking lot beneath the harsh blaze of the sun, the instinctive response to withdraw back into the darkness. Perhaps it is that 'fight or flight' theory in action, but whatever it is, its almost impossible to fight alone. It makes me feel stupid, childish, petty, and not worth the hard work that DaddyBear has put into gaining my trust. I get this fierce need to push him away and retreat into my shell.

As I write this, I am calming. I'm completely drained and I'm not angry with Him anymore. He was right, He is always right. I do want to be available for Him, mentally and emotionally, come from behind the walls and truly allow Him to see exactly who I am. Its like that part on the 10th Kingdom when Wolf tells Virgina, “You may not get hurt, but huff puff, you won't get love.”

Thank you DaddyBear for hearing me out patiently, allowing the whole gambit of my emotions to spiral around us both ~ for not loosing your footing during my storm.

Returning to work and the computer, I heard this song that plays on Grace's blog, and it felt appropriate to share here.

This is me
Sung by Faith Hill

Yeah I have my addictions
and keep my share of secrets
and things you'll never see
I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention
to my insecurities
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

*Chorus*
I don't know what you believe
or what you think of what you see
but this is a part of me
what i do and who i am
all my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

My heart break for the homeless
I worry about my parents
and all my bills are late
I'm dealing with the changes
This complicated Strangeness
Of seeing life this way
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

*Chorus*

I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when i see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready
To ever be alone
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I cry like everybody else

*chorus*