A while ago I added this feature to my blog that offers suggestions of past blog posts the reader might enjoy with each new thing that is posted. I went on today to look at tweaking my blog a bit and seen a link to a post that... brought tears... It is: Something to Believe In
It's been a rough few weeks, so much is going on... I haven't been feeling well, work is going crazy, and my family has been requiring so much of my time/attention... Sounds like life, eh? I'm trying so hard not to become discouraged, but it feels like my heart cannot take anymore... Maybe it isn't meant for everyone? But why would I have this craving for surrender, this yearning for Another's control if it wasn't something I can have? I know, I know... Elana it just isn't the right Guy... Elana it isn't the right time... I'm just beginning to wonder if either of those two truly exists.
I wish I could turn it off, learn to become vanilla. There are plenty of vanilla guys out there sniffing around, if only I could make myself settle for that... I think that's the only thing worse than this... Forcing myself to maintain a one sided relationship (because my needs aren't met in a vanilla relationship) while pretending not to hear my heart breaking each night... At least now, when that small soft voice is hurting at night I can reassure myself that at least I'm not pretending to be something I'm not in the daylight. I tend to do that anyway, forcing a smile, taking care of my responsibilities without admitting my own needs... But it will pass, soon it will be another day and I will be scrambling to tend to everyone else... hoping that if I exhaust myself enough I won't hear my heart tonight... wanting more...
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