Intimacy...

I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other's wounds; they repair the broken skin. 

- Lauren Oliver, Pandemonium

I think its more about quietening the other person's demons... a merging of souls so that the broken cracks are now filled with life and hope...  

I've always been super quiet about my romantic side, well except for the times it has came out on this blog... but I find myself thinking about it more and more lately... I don't know if I'm hoping for something like this or using these thoughts to shield myself from those I meet... 

I hate the way that conversations I have now are good at first but then five minutes in, I'm totally bored.  I hate those quiet awkward silences where no matter what topic I bring up the guy says "uh ha yeah, so you're cute."  Or just keep saying "so when can I hold you?"  Uh... if you can't hold a conversation with me for more than five minutes then you aren't going to hold my body anytime soon.  That makes me sound like a total bitch but I just.... I need someone who can capture my attention and that I have his.  


Update: Crazy scattered, sorry! 

discouraged

I've really been struggling the last few months, I've become so discouraged... I am learning how to manage my condition but I don't know how to integrate that in with my surrender or my relationships.  When I start to get to know someone, I begin to want more for Him... more than someone who is chronically ill... more than someone who has severe fatigue... more than someone who has a broken heart... more than someone with a short life expectancy and building medical bills... I want more for Him... like someone who can participate in bondage and positioning for as long as He wants without having to worry abotu muscle spasms or joint swelling... someone who can just be more of what he needs.  

I wouldn't pick this for my life, I didn't pick this... so I really don't understand why someone would pick a partner who has a chronic illness... why would someone do that to himself? 

Yes yes, I've heard "elana you are sweet and kind"...  "elana you are thoughtful and considerate" ... "elana you are obedient and cute".... yes but those things only go so far...

Sometimes I get so distracted by my limits that I can't see myself for my condition... and if I can't see it, no one else will be able to either.

So what's the point in looking and trying?

Maybe I just need a real break...  

Dominants are People too - Who Knew?!

I had never really thought about it... I mean, I had thought about the dynamics and thought process that go behind power exchange.  Up until tonight I thought I had done my best to comprehend what He goes through - but now I am realizing that I have absolutely no clue... and that was a bit foolish on my part.  Dominants Masters and Daddys are people too - yes I know that in my heart, but my brain refuses to see them subject to the same fears, insecurities, and hurts that I go through.  Why do I have such a need for Him to be invincible?  Just because He struggles with moments of insecurities does not mean that he will always waiver on things I need so desperately - like structure and boundaries.  Just because He admits that He needs me and my surrender as much I as need Him doesn't make him weak...  Isn't that something I should hope for?  That sounds like a good balance of give and take....  Maybe that is why I haven't thought about it... I already doubt so much about myself these days, my nature aches with the thought of disappointing the One I want to please the most... So perhaps I don't trust myself with that kind of power over the One I desire... I know first hand how much it can hurt to be betrayed in that manner and I hate the thought of doing it to someone else - even if it wasn't intentional... 

This jumbling series of emotional thoughts were triggered by a blogpost that I read last night and didn't even realize what I was seeing until it misted through my brain this evening...  Thank you again, Dauntless Vitality, for stirring my mental pot. 

Submissive Emotions and the Dominant

The majority of the time, whenever I read other blogs or forum posts I will reference them here and add my own comments or put my own spin on the topic.  But tonight, I am so touched by an article - and a Blogger, that I ... I don't think I need to add anything at all.  So here it is, with a link at the end to the Author.  

"I warned you! I told you how this would be. I told you how intense this could and probably would become. I told you how emotional this would become for you. I told you this would be like no other relationship you have ever had. I told you how it would be hard to go back once I had taken you there. Did you believe me? Did you think I was lying? Did you really think I was just telling you things to lure you in? Maybe...maybe not. You had no way of knowing. You had no reference point. You had never been here before to be able to understand. But...now you see. Now you get it. Now you understand. Now...you are addicted!"

I read about a lot of women who decide to embrace her submissive side. She comes out of the closet and becomes more open about who she is and needs to be. But does she really know what she is in for? Does she really know how emotional and mental this will become? Does she really even know what she wants and is willing to do? No! There is no way she can.
There are several aspects we can look at in this regard. Today I just want to focus on emotions. More specifically, the emotions that come about and begin evolve once she takes the steps and gets going in this lifestyle. Once a submissive woman comes to grips with her needs and desires, and finds the right Dominant to lead her down this road, that's when things get much more deep than she can imagine them being.

From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can't know and understand.
She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.

This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I'm not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I'm here to help support and hold her up. I'm here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I'm not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don't want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.

There are a lot of Doms, or alleged Doms, out there. They will make all sorts of claims. Many think it's about having a woman bow to you, get on her knees, suck your cock, there for you to fuck whenever they want, etc... They think it would be great to have a woman do whatever they say. What they don't know and realize is how much time and effort goes into a submissive in supporting and caring for her. He doesn't realize that, in contradictory terms, the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her. There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it. There's no wonder a lot of submissives I read about have had issues and problems in the lifestyle. Lucky for us good Dominants (yes I'm making an assumption about myself), the drive and pull in a submissive keeps her going and looking, even after a bad experience or two.
My point is this...there are some very emotional times for a submissive in coming to grips with who she is. It takes a lot of work and effort to be able to guide her and get her comfortable with this. It takes a caring and strong Dominant to be able to work through this with her, and want to work through this with her. If you take the time to build her up, show her the way, show her how great this can be, take care of and support her, then you are building a strong foundation for your future. She will be much more loyal and giving of herself, if she sees and knows you are willing to give of yourself as well. If your foundation is weak, well...don't be surprised when the house comes tumbling down. It's no ones fault but your own, as the Dominant. She has no way to know otherwise and is counting on you to know and lead her.

Can you do that? Can you build a strong foundation for her to be steady on her feet? Can you work with her the way she needs and deserves? Can you give yourself to her, so she will give herself in return? Can you? You better! Or you better not act surprised when you have lots of issues that can't be resolved. She deserves the best and all you have. If you can't give her that, then maybe you should stay in the kiddie pool until you grow up enough to swim with the adults!

By Dauntless Vitality, find the original post here.

wtf

Tonight I was looking through tumblr, I hadn't been on there in ages... and I started flagging pictures that made me think or inspired me in some way or another... While I was browsing back through my treasures, taking notes (in post drafts) what thought pattern went with which picture... my brain took a sudden left turn from happy warm fuzzies to dark painful emptiness.  It was so fast I have no idea when it happened or what triggered it.... 

Whenever I mention this shift to others, some chalk it up to the grief process... but its been a while now, shouldn't I be over it?  Or at least over it enough that I can let up on myself?  

Is it my brain that goes down this path of self-loathing or is my heart beyond repair? 

Things have been good lately.  Work has been crazy, I'm getting good reports with my health... and my little girl side has been out a lot lately, I find myself being a sassy brat again!  I thought that part of me was long gone by now.... And then tonight... out of the blue... 

Peek a boo! I see me!

I know how this feels, every time I meet someone that I really like and have to reveal about my condition. Or I meet a vanilla guy that I like and I want to share parts of my kinky side with him.  Normally talking about these things will make me a nervous wreck, but this video clip makes me laugh!  I have definitely played out my share of conversations in my head - although I'm not as creative (in their responses) as Dexter.

I'm not sure if it is the product of my experiences or a certain level of maturity I am reaching... but I'm not so worried with revealing 'my secret' as I used to be.  Either the person will accept me or not, and then that's that.  It doesn't mean that I can't accept myself just because he can't deal.  I don't want to be subject to the whim of those I meet anymore, it doesn't change who I am or what I have to offer.  

I'm far from perfect, but there are a lot more people out there who are much more messed up than I am.  And for today, that's enough for me.

Insecurities

The major insecurities are always physical. It’s your stomach, your feet, your legs, your nose, your cheeks. There’s always something about yourself you don’t like, and that starts flashing red the instant you get ambushed by a mirror. It’s all you can see, and it doesn’t matter how good the rest looks, it’s the coherent portrait in the middle of a Pollock painting. It’s a banana viscously inserted into a beautiful Turner storm. 

Of course there are mental facets that you’re not a fan of, but they’re the ones that you con yourself into thinking you can hide from public consumption, bury under general effusiveness, bad jokes and a winning smile. You can’t get rid of this nose, even if you did want to just spite the face, because frankly a noseless face wouldn’t exactly be preferable. Doesn’t mean you haven’t thought about it.  

But you’re being ridiculous. No, really, you are.  

Everyone has insecurities, because that’s the way society works. It tears down the things you think make you strong, and leaves you exposed with your weaknesses, to be laughed at. The worst part is that you help them; you pull apart your strengths just as much as they do, and then feel all the more worried about the things that someone once said something about that was maybe not the most flattering. 

Fuck ‘em. 

You’re beautiful. You’ve obsessed over that one tiny blemish for so long you’ve lost sight of things. You don’t realise that it’s because of that tiny blemish that your face works, or your body looks as lovely as it does. You don’t realise that your habit of making stupid jokes at the wrong times is the reason that someone is going to love you some day. Just let go of it all. Take a moment, think about it for a second, and then let go.

The greatest thing D/s has ever done is put you on a fast track to self acceptance. I can tear you down for things that you aren’t, while emphasising the beauty that you are. I call you a slut and then kiss that nose, I turn your arse a lurid shade of red and then dress you up to show of your stomach, and call you the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen because of it. I obsess over you in the way you obsess over your flaws, and frankly my dear, my obsession is just a little more powerful than yours.
And as for my insecurities? You blow them all away the instant you call me a beautiful name and do exactly what I say. Because why on earth would a creature as beautiful as you ever do something I say, unless I’m worthy of it? 

You make me worthy. And I make you beautiful. It’s all rather lovely.

 by My Trousers Rolled

Vulnerability

Reading this literally brought tears to my eyes tonight... This man is able to put feelings into words that I can't even... identify for myself... let along share them with anyone else... He truly has a gift and I am very thankful He allows me to share His words here.  Even though it happens time after time, I am in shock how closely his thoughts mirror my own. 

I must confess, this one... truly speaks to my heart and soul tonight... 

Vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s about showing me the most private pieces of yourself, and that doesn’t make you weak. You’re still as strong as you’ve ever been. To me, you’re stronger.  

You protect yourself; you have to. There are people out there in the big bad world who would leap at the chance to tear you down, throw your face in the mud and make you breathe it. Who would make your life a nightmare, if they were given half the chance. So you hide your vulnerable parts away, like any sensible person would, along with your insecurities, your neurosis, and your little shames.  

But you lose something, when you do that. You spend so much effort locking these things away, these things you want to have out there, because they make you you, and it’s exhausting. You’re exhausted. You’ve been hiding these things away for so long, that you aren’t even sure that you know how to find them again. You just hope you marked the spot with a twenty foot X.  

 It’s ok. I've got a treasure map. I can find them for you, bring them out, and let you take your guard down, dissemble all those walls and just enjoy the open air for a moment. I’ll watch the door, make sure no one else comes in and sees them, I promise. It’ll just be me, me and your vulnerabilities. Your idiosyncrasies, your insecurities, and your little shames. I love your little shames.  

That’s what I’m here for, after all. To make you at ease, to make you comfortable enough to bring those things bubbling back to the surface, because they’ve been submerged for so very, very long. I’m your moat, your drawbridge, your castle walls. I keep the worst out, so you can get rid of all the bullshit that you have to use to protect yourself. That’s me. That’s what I’m for.

-By My Trousers Rolled, on tumblr.

See what I see

 

I need you to do something for us today, pet.   

Start in the morning when you see that girl in the mirror. I want you to think about her then, and all day. I know what you see when you see her, but let’s not talk about that—let’s talk about why I see. Let me lend you my eyes for just a minute… try to see her as I see her. Don’t worry about whether I am right or wrong… start today by trying to see a little bit of what I see. 

I see a girl who is gorgeous. What I see physically—her eyes, her lips, her breasts, her figure—are not what we are talking about. Yes, your is beauty is beyond the power of my words to capture it, but your Master sees beyond those things—I see your heart. We need to talk today about things you can’t see in that mirror. 

I see a girl who is strong. She has been hurt. She has made some mistakes, and has the scars to show for it. I see a girl whose trust in herself has been destroyed, who has been, at times, almost ground down to nothing. But you were not ground down to nothing… you did endure. You are far stronger than you realize. You must see that you are not your mistakes. I am in awe of the strength inside that girl in the mirror.   

I also see a girl with a bright future and infinite potential stretching before her, if she is just brave enough to reach for it. You must trust yourself and your potential. I can lift you a little higher at times… support you and carry you a little ways… but you must do the work. You must be fearless and brave, pet. Dare to dream a wonderful future, and we will work toward it together. 

I see a girl I want so much it scares me. I know you are terrified I will wake up one day and be done with you; whether tired, frustrated or bored, but those are the demons of your fears and insecurities whispering lies in your ear. I will love you more every day. 

I know that girl in the mirror scares you, and I know you don’t quite trust my vision. Give me time. Give me your trust. in time, you will come to know her and see what I see. Trust your Master. 

There is a reason you are mine. I love you, my sweet, sweet pet.   

-Shared by Her-Master, on tumblr. 

Normally I don't relate with the mushy stuff, but this post/caption touched me.  Like many others, I struggle with the version of myself that I see... how lucky His girl is to have a Master that is teaching her to see herself through His eyes - instead of the past remarks of those who have been cruel to her.  

-untitled-

"It's the heart afraid of breaking 

that never learns to dance. 

It is the dream afraid of waking 

that never takes the chance. 

 It is the one who won't be taken 

 who cannot seem to give. 

 And the soul afraid of dying 

 that never learns to live."
-Author Unknown

Starting Fresh

"The hardest thing in the world is to have a good man when you've had a bad one," Sheila said.
"I think it's harder to have a good woman after she's had a bad man," countered Troy.

- Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too

I don't want to be one of 'those' women... who become bitter and remain terrified of reliving their mistakes.  I don't want to constantly make Someone jump through hoops to prove He is who He says He is and not my Ex reincarnated.  Realistically I know that it will take time to learn new responses appropriate for the new Person, and it will take consistent work from both people to make those old tapes stop... But... I'm not sure how I would feel if a Man put me through those paces in order for me to continually show Him that I am different than His ex...  And to be honest, I don't stick around long when the Guy is so hung up with 'her' that He doesn't see 'me'.  


Maybe once trust is established it will be easier to stop being 'that way'?  


I hate the thought of a previous person retaining that much power over someone, that even in the next relationship the person is miserable, distrusting, scared, and lashing out at someone totally blameless.


I want to learn to start fresh, heal my wounds and begin again.  


Just some quiet thoughts after watching a movie with the family...    

A Fine Frenzy- Whisper

Eager to please,

Trying to be what they need

But I'm so very tired

I've stopped trying to find

Any peace in my mind

Because it tangles the wires

Whisper

Sung by A Fine Frenzy

Running the race

Like a mouse in a cage

Getting nowhere but I'm trying

Forging ahead

But I'm stuck in the bed

That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close

Yeah, you stay real close

I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me still

Eager to please,

Trying to be what they need

But I'm so very tired

I've stopped trying to find

Any peace in my mind

Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close

Yeah, you stay real close

I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips

To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me still

Defying Gravity

This is an old song I fell in love with during college... Unfortunately when I was looking for a good clip on youtube this is the best one I could find tonight. I like that Glee redid it, brought the message back to a whole new group of people.  But the best version is by Idina Menzel. It's just difficult to find a good version of her singing it on youtube :)

Defying Gravity

Soemthing has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye I am defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits

'cause someone says they're so

Somethings I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

Bring me down!

Oohh oh ohh

I've always been touched by this song but this time around, it brings something else to the surface... I truly am tired of playing by the rules of someone else's game... what's the worst that could happen if I "trust my instincts / Close my eyes: and leap"? 

Completing me

Do you believe that your owner (or someone else significant to you) completes you, or that you are a complete person on your own? Does it matter to you if the person you serve considers himself/herself complete as a person, or whether they are looking outwardly to others for completeness? ~Submissive Journal Prompts

Thank you Jerry Maguire for the romantic expression, “You complete me.” In theory, that can have a fairy tale feel to the ‘happily ever after’ effect. Realistically, it’s not very healthy. I understand that sometimes it can feel that way when things are smooth and you feel ultra compatible with your partner. But does that mean you are less of a person when you are single or after the relationship dissolves? To believe that would say that now, as a single female, I possess less value than someone in a relationship, no matter how healthy/functional that relationship is. I work full time, I pay my own way through life, I take care of my family, I am a responsible caring citizen... just because I am single does not mean that I am less whole than someone else.


I watched my Dad smother my Mom in their marriage because he grew to be completely dependent on her. I’m terrified of ending up in that position… so perhaps I am a little oversensitive. I’m not one that enjoys the pressures of being someone’s only path to happiness. Yes I would like to find someone who needs me in his life, but because I bring out the best in him not because he can’t take care of himself alone. If I have to work or tend to my family, I cannot handle babysitting someone on top of that too.


I have had a partner in the past who firmly believed that I completed him... to the point of losing responsibility for his own actions when he was away from me. “Well, elana, if you hadn’t have worked that weekend I wouldn’t have cheated.” Excuse me? I thought we were grown adults in a consensual relationship, I didn’t realize that not only do I have to be a cute soft spoken obedient submissive girl to you I also have to be your keeper, mother, and masturbation device? No thank you.


I need a partner. I desire a partner. I need someone who will meet me half way, who can hold up his end of things and allow me to take care of my end of things... until that time comes where I hand that control over to him and trust in his guidance and leadership to ensure everything is the best for both of us. Even then, with my family obligations and responsibilities I will need to be able to take care of things on this end. He has to trust me to be able to dot hat and when I’m tending to those things, I have to be able to trust that he will not be doing things to undermine our position together.


That being said, sometimes I dream of that relationship where my partner can step in and assist me if needed, allowing me to have a moment of vulnerability and weakness with him... no matter what else is going on. I would like to imagine a time when I can be my true self, have moments of being unguarded and allow myself to be emotionally raw and it be ok... feeling like I can truly belong and exist with someone as I am, always striving to be a better person and learning each day... but being able to just ‘be me’ with Him... I think that is the emotional fairy tale part that I hope for. I’m not so sure that kind of person exists anymore... Once upon a time I would have thought differently.


What is that expression... 'Immature love says I love you because I need you. Mature love says I need you because I love you.'  That’s what I want...


Maybe I’m wired wrong, but I need an emotional/intellectual existence outside of a relationship. I don’t want someone to shield me from everything anymore than I want someone who relies on me for everything. Yes I would love to have a relationship that is intensely intimate and emotionally exclusive, but please don’t look for me to hole myself up in a tree after entering this relationship and stop living. So no, please don’t look for me to complete you and please don’t expect to complete me. I do believe in people being able to compliment each other, but complete? Not a chance.

I apologize for the disillusioned perspective of this entry... Not that long ago, I would have written this journal prompt totally different... Perhaps it is the experiences between then and now... perhaps it is the heartache and loss along the way... Please bear with me as I try to find my way back to the way I was before... listening to my heart without the bitter filter of my brain contorting the message.  Thank you, elana

an emotional creature

"Emotion is not only positive, but necessary; the mastery of it is not up to the female. It is up to the male. She is to be every bit the writhing, crying, joyful, and utterly female being she can possibly be. It would be cruel to suggest otherwise." -- Tribesmen of Gor

"Her feelings were easily hurt, a valuable property in a slave girl. Too, she could not control her feelings, another excellent property in a slave girl. Her feelings, vulnerable, deep, exploitable, in her expressions and on her face, betrayed her, exposing her to men, and their amusement, as helplessly as her stripped beauty. They made her more easily controlled, more a slave." -- Tribesmen of Gor

Two Thousand Eight Hundred Eighty Minutes

For the most part, I can control myself, my actions, my words, and my responses.  Even if I have to disconnect to a certain extent, I can keep pretty much to myself so that others don’t know that my feelings have been hurt.  However, I have zero control over my little girl side.  Once she connects with someone, its impossible for me to reign her in unless I shut her down completely.  Its not that I don’t want that connection with someone, its just that that part of me doesn’t understand things that the rest of me does.  For example, there are 1,440 minutes in one 24-hour period.  That is 2, 880 minutes in a 48 hour period.  I understand how someone can get caught up in what they are doing and be either too busy or too tired to contact me at all.  The little girl side of me doesn’t understand how in one thousand four hundred and forty minutes, there aren’t two minutes to send an email or even thirty seconds to send a text message.  The ONLY way that makes sense to the little girl side of me is that the person in question was not thinking of me at all, period.  Or that talking to me is clearly not a priority.  It’s not that any part of me wants someone to devote all of his time and attention to me, but to not be able to make thirty seconds for me?

The hardest part is that I don't know how to make her understand...   While I know in my head it is unrealistic to a certain extent, I don't know how to keep that part of me from getting her hopes up and keeping her from connecting strongly too quickly.  The only way I know how to do that is to shut her down, but I'm not able to completely silence her... 

She is also the part of me that wants to be close to Someone else, who aches to share her secrets and hopes for One she can trust completely.  It's my job to try and take care of her, including protect her.  Apparently I'm not doing that very well right now...   

Unconditional Love in 2011

"Living consciously involves being genuine; it involves listening and responding to others honestly and openly; it involves being in the moment." - Sidney Poitier


I have been giving this a lot of thought and I want to live consciously this year. This means that in order to do this, I will have to open my heart to unconditional love. Yes I love my puppy, my family/friends, and my job... but I want to learn to love me again, unconditionally.  Only then will my heart be ready to love another and allow him to love me in return.  I'm not unrealistic, I realize that love between adults will naturally have conditions... yet the love we have for ourselves should have no boundaries.


I found an article by Dr Tim Ong and this is what he recommends to those who are seeking hearts open to unconditional love:

There are four steps involved in opening our heart to love:
1. Acceptance: That we are worthy of love.
2. Forgiveness: Others and ourselves.
3. Expression: Turning a negative into a positive.
4. Actions: Sharing love with others will help us love ourselves.

Some of these I have been working on, yet Dr Ong explains how to take these steps a bit further to truly put these things into action.


The thing is that I'm not trying to become totally self involved or completely conceited, but I am realizing that I tend to expect too much of myself, being too hard on myself allows others to place unrealistic expectations on me also... and the truth is that if I can't love me, no one else will be able to.

Fear

Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.
~ Yoda

The last few months have been really rough, but the last few years have been hard too because I have let fear take over a very important part of my personality.  I'm tired of always being afraid.  I don't want to be afraid anymore, I'm tired of the suffering that it brings and the trapped feeling that smothers me.  Yes I might get my heart broken, but otherwise I cannot experience love.  Yes I might get my spirit hurt, but otherwise I won't be able to truly serve Another unless I lose my fear of connecting to a Master and opening myself up...  I don't want to be isolated anymore, even at the risk of getting hurt. 

Considering my experiences, a lot of things I always feared have happened.  Losing my Dad, having a serious relationship end, having an intense ownership power exchange end, a best friend passing, getting fired, almost dying myself, having a brush with cancer, nonconsensual sex, being on the angry fist side of a drunk boyfriend, etc... After looking back, what else could I be afraid of that I haven't experienced in some way?

So perhaps the only way to set myself free from being so scared is to just... step forward?  A day at a time, embracing opportunities with no fear.... "No fear" isn't exactly realistic, but perhaps beginning each day with the desire to take changes will be stronger than my fears... to the point of eventually, the darkness of fear is pushed away with the light of life.   

Random thoughts on this cold drizzly Saturday...

Looking before you LEEP

Two weeks ago, I had a routine PAP smear.  Less than 24 hours after the appointment, I was being called to come back to the office to have a cervical biopsy done.  At that procedure, it was confirmed that I would need to have to undergo the LEEP Procedure, along with some other biopsies, dnc and whatnot -- not only to rule out cervical cancer but to remove my endometriosis (while they are in there, they did it all).  I was terrified!  I prayed a lot, I talked to people who have had several of the things done, and then I took a break.  I disconnected mentally a bit so I could just... breathe.  Its exhausting to put on a fresh coat of paint for everyone and I have very few people in my life (maybe 1?) that I can be completely honest with.  I understand that my Mom and Grace were scared, I couldn't talk to either of them without them bursting into tears or brushing me off completely.  As much as I love Pixie, she wasn't able to talk with me about it either.  Thankfully, Master-J was there and He listened... I will always be thankful to Him for that.  Sometimes it sucks being 'the strong person' in a family or a group of friends.  :)   I think I feared a fibro/lupus reaction after the procedure more than anything.  I really didn't have a fear that it would be cervical cancer or anything, worst case scenario would have been that I gotten a hysterectomy and taken some medication.  

Anyway.  Surgery was successful on Thursday, I go back for pathology reports and results and all that good stuff later on this week. I remember bits and pieces of what happened afterwards. I remember a nurse telling me to "wake up and breathe", I remember a different nurse telling me it was a little worse than the Doctor expected but that he got everything.  


I feel better, but it kind of sank in this weekend that... I was *this*close* to having cervical cancer.  The Nurse that I clearly remember, the one that brought my family in after recovery, asked me beforehand if I had HPV.  No, I haven't been diagnosed with HPV or anything of that nature.  One time I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (thanks again for that, MountainMan) but it cleared up quickly with appropriate treatment.  

So far, no fibro/lupus issues lingering behind... except for some respiratory difficulties.  But I've been thinking lately about women who do not get regularly scheduled PAP Smears.  I have went every year since high school, except for last year when I was so sick in the hospital.  So within a few short months I developed severe dysplasia that could have lead to CANCER.  That is some scary shit.. especially whenever you can be tested in a few awkward moments every twelve months.  


So while I was looking around online today, I found this cool webpage that boasts it will send you an email reminder when it is time to get your annual PAP!  How brilliant is that?!  Go HERE and click the link to Sign up for Your PAP Reminders.  


Support the LACE Campaign! 


I'll end up adding this picture and link to my blog :)  


Better safe that cooter-less.  lol   

Struggling... A Butterfly's Story

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.


But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

And we would never fly.

~Author Unknown

While we all have struggles and trials, I truly believe that I am going through a process of emerging... yes things are hard right now... yes I am struggling in different areas of my life right now... but it is forcing strength into all of the parts of my world... and when I come through on the other side, I will be stronger and able to fly.