Completing me

Do you believe that your owner (or someone else significant to you) completes you, or that you are a complete person on your own? Does it matter to you if the person you serve considers himself/herself complete as a person, or whether they are looking outwardly to others for completeness? ~Submissive Journal Prompts

Thank you Jerry Maguire for the romantic expression, “You complete me.” In theory, that can have a fairy tale feel to the ‘happily ever after’ effect. Realistically, it’s not very healthy. I understand that sometimes it can feel that way when things are smooth and you feel ultra compatible with your partner. But does that mean you are less of a person when you are single or after the relationship dissolves? To believe that would say that now, as a single female, I possess less value than someone in a relationship, no matter how healthy/functional that relationship is. I work full time, I pay my own way through life, I take care of my family, I am a responsible caring citizen... just because I am single does not mean that I am less whole than someone else.


I watched my Dad smother my Mom in their marriage because he grew to be completely dependent on her. I’m terrified of ending up in that position… so perhaps I am a little oversensitive. I’m not one that enjoys the pressures of being someone’s only path to happiness. Yes I would like to find someone who needs me in his life, but because I bring out the best in him not because he can’t take care of himself alone. If I have to work or tend to my family, I cannot handle babysitting someone on top of that too.


I have had a partner in the past who firmly believed that I completed him... to the point of losing responsibility for his own actions when he was away from me. “Well, elana, if you hadn’t have worked that weekend I wouldn’t have cheated.” Excuse me? I thought we were grown adults in a consensual relationship, I didn’t realize that not only do I have to be a cute soft spoken obedient submissive girl to you I also have to be your keeper, mother, and masturbation device? No thank you.


I need a partner. I desire a partner. I need someone who will meet me half way, who can hold up his end of things and allow me to take care of my end of things... until that time comes where I hand that control over to him and trust in his guidance and leadership to ensure everything is the best for both of us. Even then, with my family obligations and responsibilities I will need to be able to take care of things on this end. He has to trust me to be able to dot hat and when I’m tending to those things, I have to be able to trust that he will not be doing things to undermine our position together.


That being said, sometimes I dream of that relationship where my partner can step in and assist me if needed, allowing me to have a moment of vulnerability and weakness with him... no matter what else is going on. I would like to imagine a time when I can be my true self, have moments of being unguarded and allow myself to be emotionally raw and it be ok... feeling like I can truly belong and exist with someone as I am, always striving to be a better person and learning each day... but being able to just ‘be me’ with Him... I think that is the emotional fairy tale part that I hope for. I’m not so sure that kind of person exists anymore... Once upon a time I would have thought differently.


What is that expression... 'Immature love says I love you because I need you. Mature love says I need you because I love you.'  That’s what I want...


Maybe I’m wired wrong, but I need an emotional/intellectual existence outside of a relationship. I don’t want someone to shield me from everything anymore than I want someone who relies on me for everything. Yes I would love to have a relationship that is intensely intimate and emotionally exclusive, but please don’t look for me to hole myself up in a tree after entering this relationship and stop living. So no, please don’t look for me to complete you and please don’t expect to complete me. I do believe in people being able to compliment each other, but complete? Not a chance.

I apologize for the disillusioned perspective of this entry... Not that long ago, I would have written this journal prompt totally different... Perhaps it is the experiences between then and now... perhaps it is the heartache and loss along the way... Please bear with me as I try to find my way back to the way I was before... listening to my heart without the bitter filter of my brain contorting the message.  Thank you, elana