discouraged

I've really been struggling the last few months, I've become so discouraged... I am learning how to manage my condition but I don't know how to integrate that in with my surrender or my relationships.  When I start to get to know someone, I begin to want more for Him... more than someone who is chronically ill... more than someone who has severe fatigue... more than someone who has a broken heart... more than someone with a short life expectancy and building medical bills... I want more for Him... like someone who can participate in bondage and positioning for as long as He wants without having to worry abotu muscle spasms or joint swelling... someone who can just be more of what he needs.  

I wouldn't pick this for my life, I didn't pick this... so I really don't understand why someone would pick a partner who has a chronic illness... why would someone do that to himself? 

Yes yes, I've heard "elana you are sweet and kind"...  "elana you are thoughtful and considerate" ... "elana you are obedient and cute".... yes but those things only go so far...

Sometimes I get so distracted by my limits that I can't see myself for my condition... and if I can't see it, no one else will be able to either.

So what's the point in looking and trying?

Maybe I just need a real break...  

15 Things I wish I'd Known About Grief

This is *NOT* my work, it was posted on Identity Renewed. I am sharing it here, giving them complete and total credit. 

15 Things I wish I'd Known About Grief 

1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life will go on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly. 

 2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day. 

 3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling. 

4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss. 

 5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living. 

 6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others. 

 7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions. 

 8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted. 

 9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help. 

 10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you. 

 11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this?” 

 12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal. 

 13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways. 

 14. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need people. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. 

 15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you. 

Thank you to Identity Renewed for sharing this.

Teary Thoughts

It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
It's never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Thoughts better left unexpressed... 

Feeling this way is isolating...  ..... even moreso when its your birthday.

wtf

Tonight I was looking through tumblr, I hadn't been on there in ages... and I started flagging pictures that made me think or inspired me in some way or another... While I was browsing back through my treasures, taking notes (in post drafts) what thought pattern went with which picture... my brain took a sudden left turn from happy warm fuzzies to dark painful emptiness.  It was so fast I have no idea when it happened or what triggered it.... 

Whenever I mention this shift to others, some chalk it up to the grief process... but its been a while now, shouldn't I be over it?  Or at least over it enough that I can let up on myself?  

Is it my brain that goes down this path of self-loathing or is my heart beyond repair? 

Things have been good lately.  Work has been crazy, I'm getting good reports with my health... and my little girl side has been out a lot lately, I find myself being a sassy brat again!  I thought that part of me was long gone by now.... And then tonight... out of the blue... 

Truly Heart Broken

Today marks a year since the passing of my Mom... I don't think this kind of pain every heals...  It feels like bits of my soul that fall from my lashes, having run out of tears so long ago...  I lost so much more than my best friend, family member, and loved one.  I lost myself to the sea of grief.  

Sad News

This morning, while I was at the hospital, PapaSmurf called to tell me that His nudette had passed away during the night.  Its been almost ten hours and I'm still in shock.  I just talked to her, and... my heart breaks for PapaSmurf and their children.   

...hopeful...

hopeful,

elana

Two Years.

So much has happened over the last two years... my world has been changed forever in many ways...   Things will never be the same.  

Lost

Sometimes little girls get sad, lost and lonely. Sometimes they feel abandoned, and become prey to the demons in their heads. Sometimes they are wrapped up in fear and self doubt, they stop making sense to themselves, they lose their sense of purpose. They forget that they are exactly where they need to be right now.


Sometimes they need someone to remind them who they really are, what’s really important about them, that they are capable of so much more than they feel right in that moment. Someone to cut through all of the crap, who will shout down the demons, who will destroy the damaging fantasies. Someone who knows how to strip them bare - utterly bare - and reveal that what they are at heart is simple, pure, and in every way perfect. To show them that their mind may be full of stupid thoughts, but that they are not their thoughts. That their emotions may be full of sadness and pain, but they are not their emotions. That what they really are… that thing, that energy, is irresistible, beautiful, creative and deserving of infinite love and acceptance. 


We all are… Stripped bare of the foolish stories of the mind, we know we are so much. It’s just that some days we forget.. and get lost… and no longer know who we really are.

-Author Unknown

I don't know who wrote this, but... it decribes exactly what I'm going through - what I have been going through lately... I know that I am struggling with abandonment issues - especially since Mom passed... I just don't know how to bring myself back.  

Falling down the rabbit hole

I haven't been myself since November, which is understandable, but I'm not pulling out of it.  Maybe it is a good sign that I seem to be coming more self aware to what is going on, what I'm feeling, and beginning to look for a way out of this hole?  I've looked for a while at a way to describe this ... empty distance and this morning, this scene came to mind.  

-untitled-

"It's the heart afraid of breaking 

that never learns to dance. 

It is the dream afraid of waking 

that never takes the chance. 

 It is the one who won't be taken 

 who cannot seem to give. 

 And the soul afraid of dying 

 that never learns to live."
-Author Unknown

29 Days

It has been 29 days since my Mom went Home.


A month without her, already... a whole month???  


I can still smell her perfume when I am walking through the house...  my fingers still dial her number on the way home from work and wonder why she isn't answering...  I didn't think I would make it through this loss...  It feels like it was yesterday, the fog is smothering at times... 


And as day 29 creeps along, I pray that I fall asleep early tonight and am not left looking at the clock at 11.20p... because I'm afraid my heart will break all over again. 

Thinking of her

I think that the nights are the hardest... It's not that I miss her more at night, maybe it is where there is less to try and distract me?  I'm still not sleeping... my mind goes to those nights we stayed up late, laughing to The Nanny... I can't even find those shows on basic cable anymore!  At least after Dad passed, I could still watch shows we watched together - but Mom's shows do not come on the Hallmark channel at night anymore.


I feel a little more peace tonight than I have felt in a long time... maybe the shock is wearing off a bit?  Maybe I've just gone completely numb to it all... maybe its the meds I'm taking for this flare-up finally mixing in a good way with the meds I've been taking to keep me from completely breaking down emotionally and mentally?  


Here are a few of Mom's favorite moments from The Nanny... she used to tell me to make sure and wake her up when the episodes got to some of these parts.. 

untitled.

I miss you Mom.

11.20pm

11.20p

my heart stopped 

I couldn't breathe

I couldn't think

I couldn't feel anything

fogginess... 

dizziness... 

Mom drew her last breathe tonight...

I don't think I've breathed since...

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

Last night I watched a classic movie, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.  I used to watch this with Dad a lot, seeing it again reminded me of him... for a few hours, we were laughing together again, watching in awe of the agility of the character's in the dance routines. Like many others, this was always my favorite scene growing up.

I hadn't watched it in almost two years - it was the first time I had ever watched it without him.  But I can finally say, I see the beauty in Dad's favorite scene.

I miss you Dad.  Thank you for watching this movie with me...

I miss you.

I miss Pixie- its been weeks since we really talked... 

I miss my Dad.  I can't believe its only been 16 months since he has been gone... and in the next breath I can't believe its already been 16 months. 

I miss MsJ.... she has been gone a little over four years and I still cannot go to her grave.  I still want to call her, like tonight...

I'm so scared, Mom is really sick again. 

I hate feeling this overwhelmed.

I hate how alone I feel.

I feel so guilty for dumping my emotional baggage on my ImaginaryFriend.  I have to find a health way to get through all of this... 

I need to fight.

Mom’s been sick lately, so needless to say my plate runneth over. I’m exhausted, stressed, and the weather is turning cold yet again which brings fibro pain. That was a guest I was not expecting at the party. (It’s May!) Not that I’m complaining but this cooler weather shift was a complete surprise... that brings muscle cramps my way.


The truth is that today I've been spoiling for a fight all day. I don't care who it is or what it is about, I just really need to focus my frustration and pick an argument. I can’t place my anger where it belongs – because it really isn’t rage... deep down, its pain and fear. I am so mad at my Dad! He promised Mom – he promised me, he would take care of us. He said he would be there and that he loved us. But he isn’t here; he left us here alone. He’s been gone a little over a year and I miss him more now than I ever have before. He made choices that he knew would shorten his life, he didn’t listen to his doctors, and I ... I know he is in a better place, happy and without pain. I know his last few years were miserable, hurting so badly and struggling so much with his illnesses that it changed who he was... but that doesn’t help me any now.


I’m terrified ~ this weekend we spent hours in the emergency room while they monitored Mom’s blood pressure. It keeps bottoming out, 101/57... 85/49... 113/63... 79/45... 118/70... Up and down, up and down. What bothers me the most is that I’m having these flashes of being at Dad’s bedside the last seventy-four hours of his life. Watching his blood pressure do the same, but falling even lower... until... he went home. I cannot lose Mom, not now. I let Dad go because I knew it was time and he was ready... but I will NOT give Mom up. Please don’t ask me to... It has barely been a year since he left, I still need her.


So yes, today I’m not in the best of moods.  In my head I know that my Dad didn't truly have a choice but my heart feels abandoned.  So yes, today I am filled with a defensive chip-on-my-shoulder attitude and don’t really give a shit if someone else is tired or busy or whatever.  I am scared, hurting, and alone in this...  I don’t know how to handle this and I don’t know how to reassure myself that everything will be ok. So I’m not apologetic that I don’t know how to reassure someone else right now.


I guess that would make me pretty useless about right now...  

One year.

It's been a year... 

already... 

Has it only been 365 days?

I miss you Dad.  

Looking back...

How true this feels...

Especially lately...

I miss you, Dad.