I need to fight.

Mom’s been sick lately, so needless to say my plate runneth over. I’m exhausted, stressed, and the weather is turning cold yet again which brings fibro pain. That was a guest I was not expecting at the party. (It’s May!) Not that I’m complaining but this cooler weather shift was a complete surprise... that brings muscle cramps my way.


The truth is that today I've been spoiling for a fight all day. I don't care who it is or what it is about, I just really need to focus my frustration and pick an argument. I can’t place my anger where it belongs – because it really isn’t rage... deep down, its pain and fear. I am so mad at my Dad! He promised Mom – he promised me, he would take care of us. He said he would be there and that he loved us. But he isn’t here; he left us here alone. He’s been gone a little over a year and I miss him more now than I ever have before. He made choices that he knew would shorten his life, he didn’t listen to his doctors, and I ... I know he is in a better place, happy and without pain. I know his last few years were miserable, hurting so badly and struggling so much with his illnesses that it changed who he was... but that doesn’t help me any now.


I’m terrified ~ this weekend we spent hours in the emergency room while they monitored Mom’s blood pressure. It keeps bottoming out, 101/57... 85/49... 113/63... 79/45... 118/70... Up and down, up and down. What bothers me the most is that I’m having these flashes of being at Dad’s bedside the last seventy-four hours of his life. Watching his blood pressure do the same, but falling even lower... until... he went home. I cannot lose Mom, not now. I let Dad go because I knew it was time and he was ready... but I will NOT give Mom up. Please don’t ask me to... It has barely been a year since he left, I still need her.


So yes, today I’m not in the best of moods.  In my head I know that my Dad didn't truly have a choice but my heart feels abandoned.  So yes, today I am filled with a defensive chip-on-my-shoulder attitude and don’t really give a shit if someone else is tired or busy or whatever.  I am scared, hurting, and alone in this...  I don’t know how to handle this and I don’t know how to reassure myself that everything will be ok. So I’m not apologetic that I don’t know how to reassure someone else right now.


I guess that would make me pretty useless about right now...