Beautiful Cathartic Intimacy

"The two share a deep, profound, vulnerable emotional connection where the man makes her feel safe, protected, and validated, the way a loving dominant does, and her vulnerability, submissiveness, sexual surrender, and nurturing love and acceptance nourishes him to life. They share a beautiful, cathartic intimacy." 

~ Written by SensualGoodHeart on fetlife.

This is what I desire....  

What to expect...

So a few nights ago I stumbled across this article, What To Expect When Dating A Woman Who’s Been Single For A Long Time, and it made me think about how many of those things are true for me and how these might come into play within a D/s relationship.  The article lists things like she enjoys alone time, she has protective walls in place, and she's not used to having help but she will embrace it.  I think if I were making a list for submissives who have been unowned for a long time...  especially about myself...  I think I would list some of the same things but maybe one or two different ones.

1.  I am not disillusioned or bitter, I am cautious.  No one wants to believe that a functioning D/s relationship is possible in today's world more than I feel it is.  I need to trust you before I submit, surrender is too intimate for me to jump blindly.

2.  As much as I ache to surrender... I'm scared of it.  To quote the article, I've been "keeping my emotions in check" for so long and been protecting myself, taking care of myself, that the walls that I've used to do those things need to come down before I can really let you in... and I know that.  I want that.  But there isn't a match switch that causes them to collapse... and then once the walls are down, I need your guidance to help me reestablish that I'm ok again without those walls... that I can trust you to take care of me while I'm vulnerable.  

3.  I need a certain amount of alone time.  I love to read and have develop ways to self-soothe...  I am uncomfortable being up under someone 24/7 or having someone up under me.  If that is something you desire and we get along well, it will take time to get to that point.  I'm not saying that I don't want any contact, I just need the ability sometimes to read or netflix or blog for a half hour without fifty "wut u doin" texts.


Just a few thoughts... 

Intimacy...

I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other's wounds; they repair the broken skin. 

- Lauren Oliver, Pandemonium

I think its more about quietening the other person's demons... a merging of souls so that the broken cracks are now filled with life and hope...  

I've always been super quiet about my romantic side, well except for the times it has came out on this blog... but I find myself thinking about it more and more lately... I don't know if I'm hoping for something like this or using these thoughts to shield myself from those I meet... 

I hate the way that conversations I have now are good at first but then five minutes in, I'm totally bored.  I hate those quiet awkward silences where no matter what topic I bring up the guy says "uh ha yeah, so you're cute."  Or just keep saying "so when can I hold you?"  Uh... if you can't hold a conversation with me for more than five minutes then you aren't going to hold my body anytime soon.  That makes me sound like a total bitch but I just.... I need someone who can capture my attention and that I have his.  


Update: Crazy scattered, sorry! 

discouraged

I've really been struggling the last few months, I've become so discouraged... I am learning how to manage my condition but I don't know how to integrate that in with my surrender or my relationships.  When I start to get to know someone, I begin to want more for Him... more than someone who is chronically ill... more than someone who has severe fatigue... more than someone who has a broken heart... more than someone with a short life expectancy and building medical bills... I want more for Him... like someone who can participate in bondage and positioning for as long as He wants without having to worry abotu muscle spasms or joint swelling... someone who can just be more of what he needs.  

I wouldn't pick this for my life, I didn't pick this... so I really don't understand why someone would pick a partner who has a chronic illness... why would someone do that to himself? 

Yes yes, I've heard "elana you are sweet and kind"...  "elana you are thoughtful and considerate" ... "elana you are obedient and cute".... yes but those things only go so far...

Sometimes I get so distracted by my limits that I can't see myself for my condition... and if I can't see it, no one else will be able to either.

So what's the point in looking and trying?

Maybe I just need a real break...  

Submissive Emotions and the Dominant

The majority of the time, whenever I read other blogs or forum posts I will reference them here and add my own comments or put my own spin on the topic.  But tonight, I am so touched by an article - and a Blogger, that I ... I don't think I need to add anything at all.  So here it is, with a link at the end to the Author.  

"I warned you! I told you how this would be. I told you how intense this could and probably would become. I told you how emotional this would become for you. I told you this would be like no other relationship you have ever had. I told you how it would be hard to go back once I had taken you there. Did you believe me? Did you think I was lying? Did you really think I was just telling you things to lure you in? Maybe...maybe not. You had no way of knowing. You had no reference point. You had never been here before to be able to understand. But...now you see. Now you get it. Now you understand. Now...you are addicted!"

I read about a lot of women who decide to embrace her submissive side. She comes out of the closet and becomes more open about who she is and needs to be. But does she really know what she is in for? Does she really know how emotional and mental this will become? Does she really even know what she wants and is willing to do? No! There is no way she can.
There are several aspects we can look at in this regard. Today I just want to focus on emotions. More specifically, the emotions that come about and begin evolve once she takes the steps and gets going in this lifestyle. Once a submissive woman comes to grips with her needs and desires, and finds the right Dominant to lead her down this road, that's when things get much more deep than she can imagine them being.

From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can't know and understand.
She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.

This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I'm not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I'm here to help support and hold her up. I'm here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I'm not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don't want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.

There are a lot of Doms, or alleged Doms, out there. They will make all sorts of claims. Many think it's about having a woman bow to you, get on her knees, suck your cock, there for you to fuck whenever they want, etc... They think it would be great to have a woman do whatever they say. What they don't know and realize is how much time and effort goes into a submissive in supporting and caring for her. He doesn't realize that, in contradictory terms, the more of himself he gives to her, the more he will get from her. There is so much work on a mental and emotional side of a D/s relationship, before you really can appreciate and accept the physical side of it. There's no wonder a lot of submissives I read about have had issues and problems in the lifestyle. Lucky for us good Dominants (yes I'm making an assumption about myself), the drive and pull in a submissive keeps her going and looking, even after a bad experience or two.
My point is this...there are some very emotional times for a submissive in coming to grips with who she is. It takes a lot of work and effort to be able to guide her and get her comfortable with this. It takes a caring and strong Dominant to be able to work through this with her, and want to work through this with her. If you take the time to build her up, show her the way, show her how great this can be, take care of and support her, then you are building a strong foundation for your future. She will be much more loyal and giving of herself, if she sees and knows you are willing to give of yourself as well. If your foundation is weak, well...don't be surprised when the house comes tumbling down. It's no ones fault but your own, as the Dominant. She has no way to know otherwise and is counting on you to know and lead her.

Can you do that? Can you build a strong foundation for her to be steady on her feet? Can you work with her the way she needs and deserves? Can you give yourself to her, so she will give herself in return? Can you? You better! Or you better not act surprised when you have lots of issues that can't be resolved. She deserves the best and all you have. If you can't give her that, then maybe you should stay in the kiddie pool until you grow up enough to swim with the adults!

By Dauntless Vitality, find the original post here.

A taste

When you get a taste of a real Man, 

the rest of the world never tastes the same...

Snow Not-So-White

Um ... when I asked for a bedtime story, Daddy, that's not exactly what I had in mind...

Although... now that I think about it... 

A younger woman enters the picture, Daddy takes an interest in her and the new wife gets jealous... So the girl is sent into the woods to escape her wrath.  She stumbles along the home of seven strong determined men who allow her to remain with them as long as she cooks, cleans, and obeys their restrictions..  But one day, Snow White disobeys, the way that curious little girls tend to do.  The Men push her severely!  She is placed in a small glass box and put on display so everyone can see what a naughty girl she has been.   Eventually the right Man for her comes along and takes her home with Him, to serve Him and His kingdom... 

Hmm maybe Snow White wasn't so innocent after all! 

Inner Child Quiz

I seen this quiz on fetlife called "How old is your inner child?"  So I decided to take it.

Your Inner Child is 4-5.  Your inner child desperately craves learning and exploring, and values family over everything else.  You like to have friends around you, and the time you spend with them always seems to go quickly. Your inner child is lonely and needs some comfort.

No matter her age, I'm pretty sure positive my inner child needs a good spanking!

Plugging Away

I've always been a bit curious about butt plugs.  I have some minor experience with them, but find myself wondering about them more and more.  I know plenty of people who use them, have them, enjoy them, and I even know a few people that hate them. 

I know a couple of furries who consider a tail plug to be part of their costume/persona.  That's totally cool and interesting, I've been curious about having one but don't feel it would really be worth the price of it.  At least, not for me... I don't really have a furry connection.  I do have my moments of kittenish behavior, but not enough for a financial purchase of that nature.  For me, the actual tail part would get in my way I think... 


The last one to catch my fancy is the jeweled plugs.  Even though I'm not exactly a girly girl, I think I like them.  Look how cute they look!  I also kind of like the fact that it can be used for so many horrible things and still look so feminine.

Of course in my imagination, the plug is slipped in to help warm up her ass for His enjoyment... Whether a toy or His own flesh, the plug could be both pleasurable and a stretcher to encourage her readiness for Him. 

Then again, maybe He slips the plug in place once He has released inside of her, to help keep her from wasting His gift.

I know several who are drawn to the humiliation aspect of butt plugs.  I imagine wearing it out in public would be very uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally/mentally... I'm not so sure I would want to go to that point, perhaps if the One I served really wanted it and I felt that level of safe with Him that I could.... then I would obey, of course.  

wtf

Tonight I was looking through tumblr, I hadn't been on there in ages... and I started flagging pictures that made me think or inspired me in some way or another... While I was browsing back through my treasures, taking notes (in post drafts) what thought pattern went with which picture... my brain took a sudden left turn from happy warm fuzzies to dark painful emptiness.  It was so fast I have no idea when it happened or what triggered it.... 

Whenever I mention this shift to others, some chalk it up to the grief process... but its been a while now, shouldn't I be over it?  Or at least over it enough that I can let up on myself?  

Is it my brain that goes down this path of self-loathing or is my heart beyond repair? 

Things have been good lately.  Work has been crazy, I'm getting good reports with my health... and my little girl side has been out a lot lately, I find myself being a sassy brat again!  I thought that part of me was long gone by now.... And then tonight... out of the blue... 

Love

"I think... if it is true 
that there are as many minds 
as there are heads, 
then there are as many 
kinds of love as there are hearts." 

- Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Don't let anyone else tell you how to love.

Happy Valentine's Day

A gaze

“his yellow eyes gazed at me possessively- I wondered if he realized that the way he looked at me was far more intimate than copping a feel could ever be.” ~ Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver

I have not read this book yet or read anything by this author... but after discovering this quote, I must confess that I am much more tempted...  (Please don't judge me by the nature of this book, I cannot help that its a twilight copy cat kind of read.  The quote just spoke to me. lol) 

I tend to shy away from eye contact, especially when I am in a power exchange relationship with someone.  Once those defenses are lowered and the dynamic has developed, eye contact leaves me totally vulnerable and completely exposed.  My face is too expressive and my nature isn't one to protect myself from the One I ache to please... so everything is there... accessible... completely bare... and yes, those moments are far more intimate than any physical touch can be... perhaps that is why they steal my breath... 

So yes, a gaze can definitely bring me to my emotional/mental knees... much faster than a physical touch can.

True Tests, to Speak or Not to Speak

As I browse the net reading forums, blogs about surrender or mastery, and even skimming profiles on kink sites one thing continues to pop out at me.  People are eager to test their surrender, test their dominance, test test test.  As if not wearing panties to the grocery store will display the depths of someone's true slavery.  Or if by paying her bills he will demonstrate his ability to control her life.  While I do understand and have experienced certain points of pushing boundaries along the way, I'm not fond of tests.  In my humble opinion, life will throw enough tests at the relationship and dynamics without someone's insecurities dreaming them up.  Even early in my surrender, I noticed that those who wish to have these elaborately designed tests the most often stumbled over the everyday opportunities to demonstrate their loyalty   

Yes women are emotional creatures, passionate and moody.  Yes, some women have a tendency to run off at the mouth whenever the mood strikes.  Our very thoughts hurtle themselves past our lips without so much of a hesitation as to how this will reflect not only on the One we serve but also the very nature of our relationships.  I have often witnessed such displays be covered up with a shrug and "well I was jealous", "you shouldn't have been ignoring me", or "I have PMS" or some other crappy  reason that would allow us to do and say as we wish - without any consequences.  And what is worse, many do this with the intention of "well he will do this and that differently if he doesn't want me to do this again"...  Which is a slap in the face of whoever owns that mouthy brat.  

 

I have never been one to believe that a woman "makes only one choice" when it comes to her surrender and service.  I have always felt that true service isn't one decision, but a thousand small choices.  In my experiences, the mouth is the hardest thing to control yet often reflects the most about their relationship.  Yet this is the one part of the dynamic that isn't considered most of the time...

In no way have I accomplished the ability to muffle myself when it is needed the most, but I have developed a way to shut down to a certain degree... Which tends to mean that I have to beg permission in private to voice the thoughts screaming inside my head... Some would argue that that is the best way to handle it, when I wonder if it is realistic to swallow those vocal conflicts and remain focused on serving Him, pleasing Him, obeying Him... rather than manipulating Him?  

I ran across this picture and my mind was spinning.  I hope this entry wasn't too scattered to comprehend.  

ever thoughtful,

elana

Huh?

Over the years, Pixie and I have joked about the crazy stuff we have gone through... Not only with meeting guys, crazy requests, and how some of it is so.... well we are happy to laugh so we don't cry. We have toyed with the idea of writing a book, about the hysterical nightmares that we have survived. While I think it could be a learning experience for novices and perhaps give some hope to those going through the same, I've always been one who is very anti-bullying. I do not handle shaming well so I am hesitant to dish it out to others.

But I have collected a few gems along the way and really want to share them tonight. No names or locations will be revealed, and only the funny parts will be on display. Don't worry, having more context will NOT make it make anymore sense.

From a 'dominant': either i own you or i don't own you no matter if i have collared you or not. stop the bullshit about you don't technically own me.

From a 'submissive': it isn't back peddling it is correcting the stuff i say once it gets out of my mind

From a kinkster: it takes two-three months to get to know you. furthermore it doesn't matter if you ask for pics to soon.... I ask for pics about an hour into the conversation that doesn't make me a pic collector or anything I just want some proof that you are real.

These kind of things make me shake my head... and wish I could call some kind of reality police to go either check to make sure these folk are the legal age or to encourage these people to stop.  To.. Just.. Stop.  

While Pixie and I find this funny and a little sad, we have the experience to know that this is not how it is supposed to be.  Interactions are not supposed to go this way, not even within the realms of power exchange.  Unfortunately, many novices out there are not this informed... Please if you are new, please seek out your local groups to learn and mentor with someone you trust.  There are amazing books that offer a wealth of information.  Here is an example, make sure that you look over the 'related book' section at the bottom of the page.  

touch

If a Dominant is the center of a submissive’s universe, 
it is because she thinks so, 
not because he does. 
~ J. Mikael Togneri

Maybe that’s what I have been looking for. 
When storms and rockslides threaten, 
I am looking for someone who will hold on to me and not let go. 
 ~Courtney Milan

random thoughts

If he is indeed wise, he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind. ~Kahlil Gibran~

Sometimes the only purpose behind things, is that He wants it. 

Duality Desired

I'm a nice girl.  I have a good sense of humor and work hard.  I am very submissive and possess a slave's heart...  I am very attracted to Gentlemen.  I'm not saying that I want to be treated like I am made of glass or super fragile... But I do want to be treated like a lady in public.  I understand being treated a certain way at a play party or with like minded friends, but... in public... I want to be treated like a person.  

No matter where I am, I will always belong to the One that owns me.  I will follow Him as deep as He wishes to take me, but its important to me that things appear 'normal' in public.  Yes I will be His slave, yes I will be His whore, yes I will be His property... but I also need to be His lady in public.  

Please know that this means I will behave as a lady in public.  I am respectful and well mannered.  I will not embarrass Him by correcting Him in public, rubbing His nose into anything (figuratively), or  by airing dirty laundry to anyone who will listen.

The full truth is that being treated with respect in public makes me feel safe.  It makes me feel like He will take care of me, I don't mean financially or sexually - but it makes me feel protected.  Plus there is something about being lead through a crowd by His hand in mine or directed by His hand at my back.  And my heart melts whenever He places an order for me... 

Until recently, I never realized this was a taboo part of power exchange.  Why are men so ashamed to treat their women like a lady?  Shouldn't that go hand in hand with her belonging to Him?  Sometimes I worry that society is moving away from manners, etiquette  and class... then other times I think that the internet has eliminated the need for such things.  It seems when someone can hide online, what doesn't work for one person, who knows her worth and doesn't put up with that immature pouting crap, will probably work on the next girl who doesn't know any better... and that is so very sad.

Thank you humbly for listening to my rambling... I try not to rant but this is a very important topic to me... and I don't understand why I am often called 'spoiled, selfish, unslavelike' by this desire to be treated as His - in every way.

Claiming her

you can grab her hair and mark her neck…

you can thrust into the soft yielding sweetness of her…

you can entwine with her in one sweaty tangled heap….

but the only way you will truly claim her 

is when you have invaded her every thought.

- Shared by beautflstranger, on tumblr

Peek a boo! I see me!

I know how this feels, every time I meet someone that I really like and have to reveal about my condition. Or I meet a vanilla guy that I like and I want to share parts of my kinky side with him.  Normally talking about these things will make me a nervous wreck, but this video clip makes me laugh!  I have definitely played out my share of conversations in my head - although I'm not as creative (in their responses) as Dexter.

I'm not sure if it is the product of my experiences or a certain level of maturity I am reaching... but I'm not so worried with revealing 'my secret' as I used to be.  Either the person will accept me or not, and then that's that.  It doesn't mean that I can't accept myself just because he can't deal.  I don't want to be subject to the whim of those I meet anymore, it doesn't change who I am or what I have to offer.  

I'm far from perfect, but there are a lot more people out there who are much more messed up than I am.  And for today, that's enough for me.

Becoming His

You will know pain. 


You will know pleasure. 


You will scream, moan and whimper. You may cry. You will surrender total control. You will be stripped bare; emotionally, mentally and physically. You will be free and you will fall to pieces. And in these arms, you will find safety. I will guide you, push you and break you. 


Then I will hold you as you tremble, and gather every single piece.

The desire to claim you, in every way. The gift you give freely as you lay your body at my altar. I accept it, embrace it and honor it. With every strike, every bite, every rough thrust of my hips. When sheathed within your slick walls that tightens around me and pull me in deeper. Just as you reach your precipice my hands instinctively wrap around your throat. Because I am not tender, I am not sweet, I am not a man who will bow to you. I am the one who hungers for you on a primitive level and the beast within me accepts your precious gift. Using you to my pleasure yet needing more. I tighten my grip on your throat as I gaze into your eyes… because I need to be the very air you breathe.

Both are by Feral Deviant on tumblr