True Tests, to Speak or Not to Speak

As I browse the net reading forums, blogs about surrender or mastery, and even skimming profiles on kink sites one thing continues to pop out at me.  People are eager to test their surrender, test their dominance, test test test.  As if not wearing panties to the grocery store will display the depths of someone's true slavery.  Or if by paying her bills he will demonstrate his ability to control her life.  While I do understand and have experienced certain points of pushing boundaries along the way, I'm not fond of tests.  In my humble opinion, life will throw enough tests at the relationship and dynamics without someone's insecurities dreaming them up.  Even early in my surrender, I noticed that those who wish to have these elaborately designed tests the most often stumbled over the everyday opportunities to demonstrate their loyalty   

Yes women are emotional creatures, passionate and moody.  Yes, some women have a tendency to run off at the mouth whenever the mood strikes.  Our very thoughts hurtle themselves past our lips without so much of a hesitation as to how this will reflect not only on the One we serve but also the very nature of our relationships.  I have often witnessed such displays be covered up with a shrug and "well I was jealous", "you shouldn't have been ignoring me", or "I have PMS" or some other crappy  reason that would allow us to do and say as we wish - without any consequences.  And what is worse, many do this with the intention of "well he will do this and that differently if he doesn't want me to do this again"...  Which is a slap in the face of whoever owns that mouthy brat.  

 

I have never been one to believe that a woman "makes only one choice" when it comes to her surrender and service.  I have always felt that true service isn't one decision, but a thousand small choices.  In my experiences, the mouth is the hardest thing to control yet often reflects the most about their relationship.  Yet this is the one part of the dynamic that isn't considered most of the time...

In no way have I accomplished the ability to muffle myself when it is needed the most, but I have developed a way to shut down to a certain degree... Which tends to mean that I have to beg permission in private to voice the thoughts screaming inside my head... Some would argue that that is the best way to handle it, when I wonder if it is realistic to swallow those vocal conflicts and remain focused on serving Him, pleasing Him, obeying Him... rather than manipulating Him?  

I ran across this picture and my mind was spinning.  I hope this entry wasn't too scattered to comprehend.  

ever thoughtful,

elana