Just... Quiet

Today has been quiet so far. Last night was oddly calm and for the most part, I was just quiet.

I thought that I was over things that happened in my past. I thought that I had moved on from those fears and this week I'm learning that I really haven't. I've moved on, but I'm still holding on to some of that pain and it is causing me to be fearful of going through it again. In my head, I know that People are different and I don't hold someone else responsible for another's sins... but my heart still gets scared. One day things are fine, the next the bottom falls out of it.

A Friend told me that I tend to be a handful at first, because I need to know that the other Person can handle the rest of me, can offer that source of control that I need so badly. But I don't like the thought that I'm 'testing' anyone because I'm really not. I just... maybe I'm addicted to Someone being in control.

Maybe I’m so afraid of being hurt again that I sabotage and self-destruct.

I still believe that if I am obeying instructions and keeping Someone’s pleasure/desires before my own, I should be able to ‘expect’ something in return, even if it is just a few moments of His time.

I am thinking about Him... a lot. If He wants me to leave Him alone I wish He had the courage to tell me. If He is married, I wish He would tell me. I know that I barely know Him but its been so long since I felt a connection this intense, and... I didn't want to lose it. my Friend thinks that He is married, part of me is still hoping that He's just been insanely busy this week... and last week...