Closing of Chapter 'J'

Nothing. For days. For over a week.

The worst part is, I knew this was coming. This is the feeling that I couldn't shake. The question becomes, did I know He would disappear in the beginning? Or is this the self-fulfilling prophecy at work again?

I keep hearing the same song on the radio, no matter what station I put it on, no matter when I turn the radio on. Even my internet radio was belting it out. I don't know if He is married or not. At this point, I don't care. Its easier to think that He is married and didn't know what to do, than to admit that He just didn't want me. The worst part is that a very small part of me... hopes that -- no I don't want a call or email from Him explaining where He has been. That's a lie, yes I do. Very much so! But that isn't realistic and makes me feel so desperate.

Its just... The thing is, its hard for that part of me to feel connected with another person, and He touched that slave part inside. That's what took me so off guard, that's what messed my head up so much. She is so guarded and protected, yet from nowhere... He made her come back to life and I don't want to loose her again. I know in my head that I don't need Him to keep her, but... right now, she feels that way. The slave part of me has been through so much, even before I began keeping this blog, that adding "you just weren't good enough" to it may cause her to shut down again. In my head I know that it wasn't about me not being good enough or my slave side being good enough -- it was about that desperate need for control that balances out the amount of control I have surrendered.

I hate this. I hate that as I get to know someone dominant, they begin to make these requests of my obedience. Why do they do that? Normally I brush them off, paying them no mind... but with J I was eager to please Him and He was more than willing to give me restrictions. I needed to be in service so badly that maybe I just clung to the first one who got through my walls. For a little while, obeying Him made that ache within go away... and for that, I will always be grateful. But then to loose it just as quickly as it appeared...

I hate feeling like if I let go, I will never get all the pieces picked up. Maybe my next chapter will be more reflection... or is it possible to spend to much time in reflection? Someone told me recently to just let go and have fun. I can't let go until someone else has control, I know keeping myself locked up isn't the same thing as control... but I don't know if I can handle falling to pieces. Not like I have it all together right now.

Maybe I'm just hiding behind this tight isolating level of "self-control"? I'm already crying and I doubt my heart will stop completely, so what is the worst that could happen if I did let go...