Another Look

I have used this picture before, on a previous post, Yet Always Herself, when I first seriously started reflecting on my wants and my needs. As I have mentioned before, I spent last year learning more of myself. Not only did I need to come to terms with the emotional baggage I had at that point, but also relearning to love my body.

Tonight, I watched a tv show where the host took a plus size woman who hated her body and taught her to love it. I had a similar experience last February when I read ‘Good in Bed’ by Jennifer Weiner. The book is amazing and the main character is a plus sized girl. The book took the character on a journey of self-acceptance and the end of the book reminded me reminded how beautiful we all are.

As I sat down to blog about this, I am reminded of this sonnet by William Shakespeare I loved in high school, not because its so syrupy sweet and all mushy... but because it was so realistic. He writes about the things that are classically ‘wrong’ with his love, but states he loves her anyway. I think that is what makes love real, when you can see past the physical lust, the sexual attraction, the beautiful features, and see the imperfections... and love that person anyway.

Anyway, I have gotten a lot of my confidence back in many areas of my life, but I need to try and become more confident sexually. I like how my body feels and looks, but I'm never sure how others see me. I have a Friend who reminded me that this is the kind of thing I have been taught in the past, that has me thinking expecting negative feedback, either verbal or physical, instead of keeping my thoughts positive. Professionally, I know that a bad behavior/habit takes six weeks of consistent enforcement to become a good behavior/habit. I think this is why consistency is so important to me. I have my fingers crossed, that I may know Someone who would be willing to... 'help' me with this. :)

The pain of the last few days has melted away to leave me exhausted today. I am almost ashamed to say that I have slept the whole day. I would wake up for a half hour or so, drink some water and watch a little TV, then next thing I know I'm waking up again several hours later. It was nice, it was needed, it was relaxing. However, I did wake up several times with my hands on my body in ways that He may not approve of. I didn't actually do anything, except work myself up to needing some cold water and something to try and get my mind off of how hot I was. Again, He wishes me to abstain from self-indulgence and I want (even more so now) to please Him. Even though my nails are biting into my palms with the struggle to keep hands away from aching nipples and hot wet places. It is harder for me physically because just thinking of Him.... but also, a little easier mentally for me this time, because I am beginning to see how better it can be at His whim... Which is what is making it harder for me physically! ;-)