How Fibro Feels

I have seen this video making its rounds on twitter this evening.  So I thought I would share it here...  I have had so many people ask me what fibromyalgia feels like or how can I truly serve with my condition... I am still working on the second half of that question, but here is an answer to the first part. 

Grass is always greener

Why is it that we yearn to be more or other than we are? It so rarely occurs to us that what we are looking for may be- indeed, always is- already within us, undiscovered.

-Toinette Lippe, quoted by Submissive Journal Prompts

Lately I have found myself wishing I were a touch more feminine...  Smokey teases me about being his brother (instead of his sister) because of what I like to watch on tv and in sports.  Deep down, I've always wanted to be more feminine.  It's not that I'm butch now or even masculine, but I was raised as a tom boy and taught to be independent, to take care of my own business, and was taught to swing a hammer before I was ever taught how to boil water.


I have had others tease me that I am 'butch', but I think it is more because of the 'front' I put on to ensure that things are taken care of, people in my care are safe, and because of how I carry myself (being taught to have a firm strong stance at work because of being around clients with violent behaviors)...  I can understand on one hand how those things would read as masculine but I don't have another any other options at this point.  Perhaps since they are learned behaviors/responses I can unlearn them in time? 


I sincerely feel that I am feminine in my own way, especially when I am able to relax into my natural state of surrender.  Maybe this is a case of thinking the grass is always greener on the other side?


Just thinking....  

Connection

I have found that what matters most is the connection that transcends the sexual. I love every part of D/s and I get so much energy from the submission of those who are drawn to me to serve me. When the sub looks up from her knees or the bed or the bondage bench and her eyes are filled adoration, respect and lust I feel renewed and so charged. When she drops to her knees to worship any part of me and it's not contrived, but a true showing of her desire to show her passion for me and her submission to me it puts me into DomSpaces I have never been before. When my name comes from her lips in a breathless whisper as she kneels before me, holding my drink or cigar, and her eyes sparkle in the knowledge that she is pleasing me, that is something that no amusement park ride can replace. When she would rather be at my feet, or behind me to show her submission and I didn't tell her she had to be at that time, I feel the love, power and responsibility to keep her safe. I know this sounds like pure ego, but it really is so much more, it's real power exchange. Because as much as I feel it so does the sub who is before me. Her heart is filled with joy, her thoughts are flooded with feelings of being desired, her soul sings at the freedom of being owned and cherished. The exchange of energy is so wonderful that both of us are floating and the connection so deep that often words are not needed, but they flow with ease. The touch of my hand on her hair makes her shudder in joy. The resting of my hand on her necks puts her in a safe place, knowing I will care for her and protect her. The look of lust in my eyes makes her feel beautiful and pleasing to me. When she kisses my boots or feet, or wraps her arms around my legs as she kneels beside me when we watch a scene in the dungeon, she feels owned, loved and safe. Her face shines when I smile at her, her smile beams when I say "Good girl." The power exchange is so complete and so intense. The flow of energy so full and rich that it is easy to get lost in it, hard to step back from it and so very needed in this life I live. It feeds the soul, it allows the other areas of the life to grow and flourish. This connection lights the path I tread and guides my steps as I train those that would serve me.

 - Written by  DomDG

Thank you Sir for allowing me to use your journal entry as a blog entry. 

I miss you.

I miss Pixie- its been weeks since we really talked... 

I miss my Dad.  I can't believe its only been 16 months since he has been gone... and in the next breath I can't believe its already been 16 months. 

I miss MsJ.... she has been gone a little over four years and I still cannot go to her grave.  I still want to call her, like tonight...

I'm so scared, Mom is really sick again. 

I hate feeling this overwhelmed.

I hate how alone I feel.

I feel so guilty for dumping my emotional baggage on my ImaginaryFriend.  I have to find a health way to get through all of this... 

Tumblr Deliciousness

In a fibro flare, so not able to type much... 


Browsing through tumblr I found the following pictures.


You know me, my mouth started watering.. .  

Then my thoughts went to being leashed... marked as His... His owned girl... 

I think my favorite way of being leashed is at my wrist....  In the past, wearing a collar has felt very claustrophobic.  Maybe it was a symptom of the relationship that came forward when I wore the collar... then again, I don't like anything other than His Hand around my throat.  The symbolism of it - I love, just wish there was another way to execute it. lol

Jim Morrison Quote

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. -Jim Morrison

I'm not totally sure what I think about this... but it has stuck with me... Thought I would share... 

A Decade Ago

I remember exactly where I was at... I remember exactly what I was doing... I remember exactly what I did when I heard the news...  But I don't remember it feeling like this.  Perhaps I didn't truly understand what it meant or what it would mean back then... Maybe I was in shock... All I know, is that this tribute truly took my breath away.  


I cannot imagine what this.... The pictures in this video are powerful, paired with this song truly touch my very soul... I'm not sure what would have been worse... to be a family member of a victim, a hero, or those families... who still don't know.  I have never been so thankful to God that my family was kept safe and is safe.  My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those effected by the events of 9/11.... and I will continue to pray for those who are and will be serving our country... families and soldiers alike.  Not just today, but everyday.  

Quote

"I knew then that he was dominant over me. This had nothing to do with the fact that I lay stripped before him, wrists and ankles lashed, his prisoner. It had to do with the fact that he was totally masculine, and in the presence of such a stimulus, my body would permit me to be only totally feminine." - Captive of Gor

Puppy Lessons

Sometimes my puppy gets me tickled... other times she teaches me things about myself - somehow when I see my own behaviors mirrored in her actions something inside my head clicks.  Things make sense and I understand why she does what she does - and also realize what it means when I do those things too. 


Puppy will play with the other puppies and while I think she may not be paying me any mind, when I go to sneak out of eye sight, within a few seconds she is following right behind me.  During my munch/demo/party days, even while I was talking with brothers and sisters in surrender, when my Owner would slip away I would follow quietly.  Unless I had been given permission to 'frolic' until Owner came back for me.  At the time, I was told that I was being clingy - but Puppy has shown me that they were wrong.  Just as I felt safe and calm near my Owner, so does Puppy.  I can see that now.  I'm thankful I can see that now.  


Another thing that Puppy has helped me overcome is the awkward sense of nervousness that overwhelms me when I want to be closer to the One that owns me...  Now I can see it is a natural response to desire to be in favor and near the Pack Leader.  Puppy wants closer to me a lot, especially if she is unsure what is going on or she is scared.  Sometimes I think Puppy just needs a little reassurance, she will run to me for some attention and then go back to what she was doing.  I have moments of that... I think that all submissives/slaves have moments like that.  


I used to feel guilty that I couldn't be a better Owner to Puppy, but now I realize that as I am meeting her needs... she is teaching me about mine.  MathMan used to say that I felt badly because I had been conditioned to think I was too much work for an Owner... I can see His point with that.  I'm beginning to see that is not the case... I'm as active with Puppy as I desire to be, I tend to her needs and am willing to be a good Owner to Puppy... Just as, I hope one day, a Man will be with me.  Puppy seems very happy with our arrangement, and that makes me happy.  

Starting Fresh

"The hardest thing in the world is to have a good man when you've had a bad one," Sheila said.
"I think it's harder to have a good woman after she's had a bad man," countered Troy.

- Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too

I don't want to be one of 'those' women... who become bitter and remain terrified of reliving their mistakes.  I don't want to constantly make Someone jump through hoops to prove He is who He says He is and not my Ex reincarnated.  Realistically I know that it will take time to learn new responses appropriate for the new Person, and it will take consistent work from both people to make those old tapes stop... But... I'm not sure how I would feel if a Man put me through those paces in order for me to continually show Him that I am different than His ex...  And to be honest, I don't stick around long when the Guy is so hung up with 'her' that He doesn't see 'me'.  


Maybe once trust is established it will be easier to stop being 'that way'?  


I hate the thought of a previous person retaining that much power over someone, that even in the next relationship the person is miserable, distrusting, scared, and lashing out at someone totally blameless.


I want to learn to start fresh, heal my wounds and begin again.  


Just some quiet thoughts after watching a movie with the family...    

Imaginary Friend

I have an imaginary friend!


No no, really, I do!  He's real too, not just to me, but more Imaginary too.


He can be really nice sometimes but I am sure he can be really not nice at other times – but I like that about Him too. I haven’t met His Friend, Monster, yet but I’m nervously looking forward to it!


I like talking with him, His emails make me smile.


I like writing Him, He makes me think.


I like that I feel safe with him to be myself, sometimes unguarded.


I like that he sees me, not just my words, but truly sees through to me.


I like that sometimes, when I’m reading His letters, I can feel Him.


I like that He is observant yet mysterious in a way that allows me to continue to open up to Him. Sometimes His attention feels like warm sunlight that is encouraging me to blossom. I know that sounds corny but... there is something about Him that makes my soul smile and makes me want to move past the pain and fear to... learn how to submit again.


The best part of my imaginary Friend is that I can am slowly learning of Him, so most of the time I am free to imagine Him as I wish. Which may sound bad, but for me it’s a really good thing. In my imagination, He has a gentle touch but strong fingers that would tangle in my hair. In my imagination, He has a cocky grin that makes me melt. In my imagination, He has a purely masculine scent that lingers on the senses for hours after He leaves the room. And the best part, is that through His letters He truly listens to me... but in my imagination, He knows me so well that He can read me like an expressive book. Sometimes when I am getting frustrated or upset at work or with my family, I use my imagination to either feel His hand on my back or Him calling my name to redirect me to a better environment, less stressful and allowing me time to breathe...


Thank you, Imaginary Friend, for allowing me to use you in these ways. :)


Thank you, Sir, for helping me feel safe...