Necessary Pain

"And he said, 'Your pain is the breaking

of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.'" - Kahlil Gibran

Sometimes I agree with this statement, other times I’m not so sure.  I don’t think he means literally that pain can give way to growth... but perhaps more than development/evolution can bring pain – a productive pain that can lead to better things.  We all have painful experiences, but I feel it is our personal responsibility to use it to learn and become better versions of ourselves.

I tend to imagine this small seed as it wakes up in the dirt.  Pushing its way past the protective shell, roots beginning to borrow a small opening for expansion, I imagine it would be painful to fight one's way through the earth... Yet it is necessary, otherwise it cannot become a beautiful plant or a strong tree... (I'm also thinking of the story I shared earlier about a Butterfly's Struggle.)  

Over my experiences, I have had a lot of pain... At the time of the (emotional/mental/physical) injury I can be overwhelmed and often shut down.  Sometimes it is easier to push the hurt to the back burner, clear my mind, and go on without any form of connection to life or what happened.  At first, I didn't know another way to handle it... processing that level of pain is too hard and leaves me feeling completely lost.  As I am growing older, I want - no I need to learn how to deal with things as they come so that I can let go and move past it faster...  Open to bigger better things, getting right back up on that horse.  (Even though I am scared of horses.)  

I apologize for this post being a little rambly... just some random thoughts inspired by this quote, brought together in one post.. 

Master Chief John Urgayle: Pain is your friend, your ally, 

it will tell you when you are seriously injured, 

it will keep you awake and angry, and 

remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. 

But you know the best thing about pain? ….. 

It lets you know you're not dead yet! 

 - GI Jane

Betrayal

*This picture is not of me*

I've been hurt recently, its been a week now and I still a bit numb.  This time, I took things slow... We talked a lot about wants, needs, limits, desires, etc...  


Five months later, I was betrayed in the one way I didn't expect... 


I have forsaken myself...  As much as my mind wants to blame it on the other person, it was more my fault... for ignoring red flags.. for not requiring more in return.. for not standing up for my most vulnerable self and waiting for the right kind of Man... who won't set out to hurt me intentionally.


I'm tired of being toyed with, played with for a brief period then tossed to the side like yesterday's newspaper scraps...  

Friends... Sisters.

The love between women is a refuge and a escape into harmony and narcissism in place of conflict. In the love between man and woman there is resistance and conflict. Two women do not judge each other. They form an alliance. It is in a way, self-love.
I love June because she is the woman I would like to be.

-The Diary of Anaïs Nin , Volume One

I feel this way about Pixie...  Thank you Anaïs Nin for putting our friendship/sisterhood into words.

Thoughts of Attention

Everyone desires some level of attention. I dare to say that almost every domesticated animal wants some kind of attention from his/her Owner. For example, my puppy falls all over herself to get to me when I first get home from work. Anytime I call her to me, she cannot wait to be petted, talked to; she will roll over and just drink in my attention for as long as I give it to her. A submissive and/or slave is no different. Over the years, various degrees of training I have gone through, I have learned that there are different kinds of attention and that the notice of an Owner can take on many forms.


I have experience with those who feel that attention is a positive way to reinforce good behavior, making the withdrawal of that attention a punishment. I have spent time with others who have stated that attention should be a constant – and that the style of attention (negative or positive) should be what reflects the response behavior from the submissive’s behavior (or misbehavior). Then again I have been at the feet of some who do not feel anyone other than other dominants deserve his attention, unless he wished to lavish their attention onto someone so inferior to himself. And then there is the (once rare but now) popular person who hungers for the continued attention of a submissive person, because he/she lacks the necessary esteem to determine his/her own worth – leaving the attention of the submissive to be the ultimate reward/enforcer of his/her behavior.


To be honest, all of it kind of makes my head spin a bit. Personally, I do not like the be the sole measure of worth to anyone else. It’s too much pressure! I want to be pleasing, I want to put His needs before my own and make sacrifices of obedience... But at the same time, I emotionally cannot handle the silent treatment. I am realistic enough to know that I do not want someone at my beck and call – but I do need to be able to reach out from time to time and know He is still there. I think it is a balance that can be created if both people work at it... Of course, the amount of attention I need is determined by how deeply into surrender He wishes to take me. The further down the rabbit hole we go, the more I grow dependent on Him and His attention. Many call that ‘needy/clingy’ and I have grown to loathe those words! I hate the negative connotation that comes with that description, the sickening way my heart sinks into my stomach and how my own image of myself nose-dives because it robs the beauty of power exchange and replaces it with some cheap sense of . . . . . I cannot even think of the word to describe it. In my mind, at least, as I yield to His will I grow more malleable to what pleases Him. When the focus of the submissive is becoming – in essence – a reflection of what pleases Him... His will and He needs to consistently be in the mirror, so to speak. Which is why I never understood that the very people who would take me down the road of surrender, suddenly chastise for being 'needy/clingy' when they were demanding that I transform into their reflection?


Just semi-random thoughts of an evolving girl.

Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You remain responsible forever, for what you have tamed.

-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

This quote was also used in a previous post on Responsibility.

A Fine Frenzy- Whisper

Eager to please,

Trying to be what they need

But I'm so very tired

I've stopped trying to find

Any peace in my mind

Because it tangles the wires

Whisper

Sung by A Fine Frenzy

Running the race

Like a mouse in a cage

Getting nowhere but I'm trying

Forging ahead

But I'm stuck in the bed

That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close

Yeah, you stay real close

I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me still

Eager to please,

Trying to be what they need

But I'm so very tired

I've stopped trying to find

Any peace in my mind

Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close

Yeah, you stay real close

I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips

To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper

In a daydream on a hill

Shut down to a whisper

Can you hear me

Can you hear me still

...what just happened?

Somehow I ended up back here.  Once more, blinking back tears trying to figure out what I did wrong and how to stop this cycle. Gandhi said, "Nobody can hurt me without my permission." So why do I keep allowing it to happen?  


This is not going to turn into a pity party.  I am pulling up my big girl panties and going to pick things up, move forward.  Like Hemingway said, "Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt, use it-don't cheat with it."


So thank you HIStory, for this learning experience.  I sincerely wish you nothing but happiness. 

Fingers Crossed

Speaking with Pixie earlier, hearing the excitement in her voice as she spoke about the Person she is dating... It gives me hope, I truly hope this is 'it' for her... she deserves it so very much.  It also made me think of a few quotes I listed in an earlier post about being interesting.  I can relate to the need to have Someone who sincerely is aware, alert, and an active Partner... fingers are crossed for them both! 

Sometimes I fear that those things I need do not exist.  Things are looking positive for Pixie and as crazy as it sounds - I'm not jealous in the least!  By that I mean, that I mean about wanting it for myself....I do, when the time is right.  Currently my head is not the best place to be, I have a lot of cleaning up to do before I can have company over.  :)

Defying Gravity

This is an old song I fell in love with during college... Unfortunately when I was looking for a good clip on youtube this is the best one I could find tonight. I like that Glee redid it, brought the message back to a whole new group of people.  But the best version is by Idina Menzel. It's just difficult to find a good version of her singing it on youtube :)

Defying Gravity

Soemthing has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye I am defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits

'cause someone says they're so

Somethings I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

Bring me down!

Oohh oh ohh

I've always been touched by this song but this time around, it brings something else to the surface... I truly am tired of playing by the rules of someone else's game... what's the worst that could happen if I "trust my instincts / Close my eyes: and leap"? 

exposed

This last flare up has been more emotionally difficult than they have been in the past.  Physically, I was in a lot of pain but I think it would have been much more tolerable without the... 

I still don't know how to word it.  The last few days I have been extremely vulnerable, unguarded, and emotionally raw.  I understand how chronic pain and lack of proper rest can make mood swings more intense - but this hasn't been anything like a depressive type thing, more of... I've been more 'exhausted little girl' than 'adult female with a professional and family responsibilities'...

Birthday Licks

While this video is a cute little birthday song, the spanking I received on my birthday was not so cute. It was intense and amazing! Thank you Sir for the spanking! The best part was the soreness that lingered, where each step felt like another strike of his hand against my ass.  Let's just say, that for a few hours I was very careful not to lay directly on my very warm delightfully tingling ass.  


Update: 
Then I had a slight fibro flare after the spanking which made my legs/ass muscles hurt for a few days... In an odd way, it was deeply satisfying. :)

Now that's a mouthful!

I want to learn to do this!!  
The throat fucking, not the 
swallowing at the end. :)