sigh

"I wanted the feeling of romance and the sense of wonder I had known as a kid. I wanted the world to be what they promised me it was going to be -- instead of the tawdry, lousy, fouled-up mess it is."

- Robert A. Heinlein, Glory Road

Randomness of Loss, Part Two

Normally I would not have "aired dirty laundry" like I did in my previous post this morning. I did NOT mean any of it badly at all because I have no doubt that if I truly was in a situation where I needed Grace, MathMan or Pixie, they would be there in an absolute heart beat. I just feel guilty bothering them with my own grief when I know they have so much going on. And no I'm not trying to be a martyr. lol I know what I am going through is also important, I just also know it will pass... so I'm trying to wait it out.

Did I mention my horoscope this morning? I just read it, two hours after the previous post. Check it out:

LEO: You want some quiet time today so you can explore childhood memories, yet you won't likely find exactly what you are seeking. Naturally, your perspective is changing, but you still could be reluctant to declare a new allegiance. Nevertheless, you gain power from expressing yourself with integrity. The depth of your convictions is intense, so don't be afraid to say what's on your mind so others know where you stand.

~ cue the theme for Twilight Zone

Randomness of Loss

I’m stuck in stage four ⁽¹⁾. Maybe it just feels like I’m stuck but no one knows how long each stage of grief can last. I’m thinking a lot about things we did, talks we had, fights we had, things about him that still make me laugh... and I thought I was “getting ok”... then a flash of his last breath or his name on the funeral home board will come into my mind and I can’t hold back the tears. It’s been two and a half months, everyone seems to have moved on but I can’t. Sometimes I’m angry but most of the time I just miss him. I miss him, and that makes me angry. I should be happy he is out of pain, happy, with his parents, and where he has always wanted to be. But what about what I wanted? I want him HERE I need him HERE, with me! I still need him. I hate that I am this selfish. I need to talk about him, I can’t help but remember all these things about him and our relationship, and I need to remember those things right now. I just wish I had someone to talk with, other than my Puppy. Puppy is starting to get sick to her stomach and I know it is because I am stressing her out talking to her about Dad – selfishness strikes once again. I can’t talk to Grace because she is so lost in her own world of depressive guilt that she has tunnel vision. I can’t talk to Mom because she is struggling with her own issues.MathMan is going through his own loss right now. And as happy as I am for Pixie and D getting back together, I wish I could talk to her about this but I can’t. She has her own crazyville going on and she is falling in love with D again so that takes up the rest of her time. I understand that, truly, I would probably be the same way if I met the right Person.

I'm trying not to blog too much about how hard this is for me, I want to refocus my posts onto my thoughts/feelings/perspectives relating to my surrender (or current lack of)... but even that reminds me of Dad. Not that I ever submitted to him in that crusty-inbred-Kentucky way, but because he was the one who taught me what the Bible says ⁽²⁾ about being a good loving obedient wife to a Christian Man.

I have been turning back to my faith for support, which also strengths my need to submit to the right Person.

I think this is enough rambling for today. Work is starting to pick up some so I should probably redirect my focus onto something productive.

~ I'm getting pretty fancy-smancy with the footnotes, eh? lol

(1) Stages of Grief

⁽²⁾ Proverbs 12:4; Ephesians 5:22-33; Colossians 3:18-19. There are a lot more, but these were Dad's favorites. Here are some others I liked.

Way to go Argentina!

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — Argentina became the first Latin American nation to legalize gay marriage Thursday, granting same-sex couples all the legal rights, responsibilities and protections that marriage brings to heterosexuals.

(.... skip a bit....)

But it also carries political risks for Fernandez and her husband, former President Nestor Kirchner. The vote divided their governing coalition, and while gay rights have strong support in the capital, anti-gay feelings still run strong in much of Argentine society, where the vast majority of people are Roman Catholic.

"From today onward, Argentina is a more just and democratic country," said Maria Rachid, president of the Argentine Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender federation. The law "not only recognizes the rights of our families, but also the possibility of having access to health care, to leave a pension, to leave our assets to the people with whom we have shared many years of life, including our children," she said.

Quoted from The Huffington Post.

Yesterday was a historic day for Latin America! I am so excited about this expansion of the legal definition of ‘marriage’. A lot of people don’t understand, they write to me and ask “elana are you a closet lesbian?” (No I am not by the way, but I do believe in equal rights!) But it doesn’t matter what our sexuality is, we should celebrate others’ rights to live freely within their own sexuality! I never understood why same sex couples could not legally marry, claim one another on insurance, or adopt. I thought the focus emotion that the world was looking for was love and that compatibility and love defined a relationship? There are so many things in this world, in this day and age, that work against relationships with the desire to separate families and cause us to abandon one another... how can people stand by and allow sexual orientation to be another thing? It does my heart much good to see that people are coming to their senses and realizing that love is love...

Family friends were wed earlier this summer, it was a beautiful ceremony in Ct. I have known both ladies only a short time (maybe a year or two?) but they are perfect together. There is so much love, tenderness, respect, devotion, and passion between them that you cannot help but smile seeing them together. After over a decade committed in their relationship, they were finally able to legalize it. Now, in Argentina, thousands of others will have that right to stand up, tell the world, "This is my Spouse! We are in love and we are together!" Legally, openly, proudly... instead of hiding the gift of their love behind secrets and lies, so they do not lose their children, their jobs, their insurance, and in some cases... their families.

Another way to think about it is that being within the “leather community”, some say that the secret hush-hush place we are now in society is similar to the place the gay and lesbian community was twenty years ago. So if modern day society is progressing to the point of acknowledging their choice in partners, could our choices be next?

Way to go Argentina! I eagerly await news of the first legal marriage, which as of right now is scheduled for August 13th.

Celebrating July 13th, Ode to Harrison

Happy Birthday Harrison!

Making 68 look fucking fabulous!!

For years, he was my first love. I fell in love with him while watching the Indiana Jones movies, but #3 is by far my favorite! I love the dynamics between Him and Sean Connery. I love that cocky grin, the sexy fendora, each crack of his whip made me happy in ways I wouldn't understand until much much later. I love his fearlessness and his intelligence -- ooh his intelligence! He definitely made the nerdy professor type seem unbelievably sexy. And I still have a thing for super smart men! I still love to watch the movies, and I must confess that I often find myself drooling or squirming a little... something about Dr. Jones will always get to me, I fear. Hmm maybe I can find a fendora for a couple of the super smart guys I know....

Up until I was in college, I only had eyes for Him. I used to joke around with girls in my dorm that I was going to marry him when I graduated college. Then, my senior year, People Magazine released the article that said he was getting a divorce! Suddenly people changed their tunes and were tracking me down to meet him! I was cracking up because of course he had NO idea who I was! I even teased a few of them after that he hooked up with Calista Flockheart because she was the polar opposite of me -- as a way to get over me. Of course then I was just teasing, but I am so happy for them both! They are so much in love and I enjoy seeing pictures of them together. I was over the moon happy for them when they got hitched!!

<-- This is my puppy's favorite picture of Harrison though... I think she sees herself as His puppy. I would be lying if I said that I haven't imagined myself in the same position, whimpering at his feet, begging him to touch me... well maybe thats a little TMI.

Puppy she IS my little girl, afterall! LOL

Distance

There are things I really want to talk with MathMan about but don’t know how to bring up or it isn’t the right time... So before I go to him for guidance, I want to see what I can do to sort it out myself... figure out how I keep messing it up and maybe I can fix it? I want to be close to Him again, I need to be close to MathMan again… Not just physically but I mean mentally and possibly emotionally if we can work that part of it out.

I always think of this story a preacher told the church when I was growing up:

There was a young man and a young woman in the front seat of a truck, he was driving and she was pressed up tight against him in the middle of the bench seat. He had his arm around her and they went everywhere that way. Once they were married, the years flew by… One day the woman looked at them inside the truck, him driving and her pressed tightly to the passenger side door. She commented to her husband that she missed riding close to him when they went somewhere. The husband replied that he wasn’t the one who had moved.

I know it is me that keeps pulling away from MathMan and I want to stop doing it! The distance is not something that I want. The space between us only ends up hurting me, and it causes me to wonder if he misses being close with me. He has told me before that he doesn’t really notice the distance between us until I point it out, but that just tells me that he doesn’t see anything wrong with the space. Maybe Masters feel distance differently than slaves? But it feels like quicksand to me, once a little bit of space slips in there I cannot fight whatever it is that slowly pulls us apart. While I am taking responsibility for my part in this distance, I think maybe MathMan should acknowledge his too. In my head I don’t understand how he doesn’t “see” it or if he does why he doesn’t say anything... in my heart I know that he wants me to be close as much as I need to be.

I just feel like I need to get my shit together, that we need to get our shit together before the distance becomes too much to bridge...

New Friend

New experiences can happen in the blink of an eye. I have had something happen to me for the very first time and I’m still unsure what I think exactly. I have my blog posted a couple different places where I have a profile up, places where I watch/participate on some of the forums/message boards. I know that this blog is my own personal outlet for expression and a place where I “talk things through” so they make more sense to me. That isn’t very interesting to many people. However, I received a message from someone who sincerely has taken an interest in my words, seems to have seen himself in my perspective, and wants to know more about me as a person. At first I thought it was a ploy, to be honest, but after The Reader discussed several of my entries and his thoughts on my expressions…I realized he was sincerely interested in what I had to say. Stunned was an understatement, but (as vain as this may sound) it feels really nice to be ‘seen’.

With everything going on, my family being sick, work being crazy, etc... no one notices me anymore. I seem to have morphed into a faceless nurse that tends to everyone else. It was a surprise to hear from The Reader, but a very good gift from the universe.

The Reader says he can see my heart, the good and the painful, which is refreshing considering I’m having a hard time seeing myself right now. I’ve been so lost since everything has happened the last few months and really am struggling keeping things together. So what he has had to say really means a lot. For now, I am humbled by his words, honored at his attention, and thankful he stopped to ‘see me’.

I’m flattered beyond belief, The Reader seems like a super nice guy and we have a tremendous amount in common. Could our paths be so parallel that friendship is our destination? I would be happy with that. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be interested in anything more, it just means for right now… I am enjoying getting to know him. One day at a time, that’s about all I can handle right now – it’s all he can handle right now. So at least as far as expectations go, we are a good match. J

So thank you, The Reader, for stopping by to say hi.

Two Months

“Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that count.
That's when you find out who you are.”

~Joss Whedon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

It has been two months today. Some days it feels like it was a lifetime ago... other days it feels like it was yesterday. I'm not sure what I expected it to be like, but this wasn't it.