Distance

There are things I really want to talk with MathMan about but don’t know how to bring up or it isn’t the right time... So before I go to him for guidance, I want to see what I can do to sort it out myself... figure out how I keep messing it up and maybe I can fix it? I want to be close to Him again, I need to be close to MathMan again… Not just physically but I mean mentally and possibly emotionally if we can work that part of it out.

I always think of this story a preacher told the church when I was growing up:

There was a young man and a young woman in the front seat of a truck, he was driving and she was pressed up tight against him in the middle of the bench seat. He had his arm around her and they went everywhere that way. Once they were married, the years flew by… One day the woman looked at them inside the truck, him driving and her pressed tightly to the passenger side door. She commented to her husband that she missed riding close to him when they went somewhere. The husband replied that he wasn’t the one who had moved.

I know it is me that keeps pulling away from MathMan and I want to stop doing it! The distance is not something that I want. The space between us only ends up hurting me, and it causes me to wonder if he misses being close with me. He has told me before that he doesn’t really notice the distance between us until I point it out, but that just tells me that he doesn’t see anything wrong with the space. Maybe Masters feel distance differently than slaves? But it feels like quicksand to me, once a little bit of space slips in there I cannot fight whatever it is that slowly pulls us apart. While I am taking responsibility for my part in this distance, I think maybe MathMan should acknowledge his too. In my head I don’t understand how he doesn’t “see” it or if he does why he doesn’t say anything... in my heart I know that he wants me to be close as much as I need to be.

I just feel like I need to get my shit together, that we need to get our shit together before the distance becomes too much to bridge...