Randomness of Loss

I’m stuck in stage four ⁽¹⁾. Maybe it just feels like I’m stuck but no one knows how long each stage of grief can last. I’m thinking a lot about things we did, talks we had, fights we had, things about him that still make me laugh... and I thought I was “getting ok”... then a flash of his last breath or his name on the funeral home board will come into my mind and I can’t hold back the tears. It’s been two and a half months, everyone seems to have moved on but I can’t. Sometimes I’m angry but most of the time I just miss him. I miss him, and that makes me angry. I should be happy he is out of pain, happy, with his parents, and where he has always wanted to be. But what about what I wanted? I want him HERE I need him HERE, with me! I still need him. I hate that I am this selfish. I need to talk about him, I can’t help but remember all these things about him and our relationship, and I need to remember those things right now. I just wish I had someone to talk with, other than my Puppy. Puppy is starting to get sick to her stomach and I know it is because I am stressing her out talking to her about Dad – selfishness strikes once again. I can’t talk to Grace because she is so lost in her own world of depressive guilt that she has tunnel vision. I can’t talk to Mom because she is struggling with her own issues.MathMan is going through his own loss right now. And as happy as I am for Pixie and D getting back together, I wish I could talk to her about this but I can’t. She has her own crazyville going on and she is falling in love with D again so that takes up the rest of her time. I understand that, truly, I would probably be the same way if I met the right Person.

I'm trying not to blog too much about how hard this is for me, I want to refocus my posts onto my thoughts/feelings/perspectives relating to my surrender (or current lack of)... but even that reminds me of Dad. Not that I ever submitted to him in that crusty-inbred-Kentucky way, but because he was the one who taught me what the Bible says ⁽²⁾ about being a good loving obedient wife to a Christian Man.

I have been turning back to my faith for support, which also strengths my need to submit to the right Person.

I think this is enough rambling for today. Work is starting to pick up some so I should probably redirect my focus onto something productive.

~ I'm getting pretty fancy-smancy with the footnotes, eh? lol

(1) Stages of Grief

⁽²⁾ Proverbs 12:4; Ephesians 5:22-33; Colossians 3:18-19. There are a lot more, but these were Dad's favorites. Here are some others I liked.