Temptations

Photo by Marcus Ranum

He's not the first to tell me to abstain from masturbation. He is, however, the first One in a long time that I have obeyed.

Sexual heat is something I experience quiet frequently, but normally I deal with it and move on... now I am forced to simmer in its fire. The worst part is, the louder my body screams for release, the more I think of His words. ‘When W/we come together in that way you will see it to have been worth it.’ Imagining His hand in my hair... His bite on my neck... Thinking about being together with Him in that way, only makes me more aroused! It’s a vicious cycle. :) Yet... I expect that He knew the directive would only make me think about how I am not allowed to touch myself, and that it would make me only want to touch myself more!

This is only day two -- three days is as long as I have been able to go in the past. I think the reason my mind is going crazy right now is because I have had to watch a movie that normally get me going. (ie: Blade, Underworld, Van Helsing, Indiana Jones, etc.) One of them came on 'On Demand' and my staff wanted me to watch with them.

Then, while looking through my pictures to find inspiration for a blog entry, I found some pictures on my computer that I greatly enjoy fantasy wise, but I shouldn't look at right now. Hmm... maybe it was a bad choice considering my current desire to obey Him... in spite of what my body is begging for.

Maybe it will get easier the longer it goes?

Ugh its only day two!! I don't think I'll make it...

But I do wish to please Him.

Update: 8:49p my intentions were to log on and report that a cold shower and some meditation helped ease my 'state', because it did. However, when I logged on tonight to add it to my entry, I had a message from Him... and it ignited me all over again. I do want to surrender my own needs of this to His pleasure, His will, and His timetable. I no longer wish to be under the control of my own lust.

Bravery

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

~Madonna

I have been holding onto this quote for a while, waiting for the right time to blog about it. For me, being brave is about loving myself unconditionally. That has been my resolution for 2007, to have a better understanding of who I am and what I need, not only in terms of power exchange, but with all areas of my life. I continue to give to myself, the attention I need to truly listen to my heart. I have grown as an employee, as a submissive, and as woman.

Still, I am not so brave that I do not fear rejection or being hurt again. In the past, and even this year, I have held myself at arm's length, emotionally, then hide from the other Person for not being able to handle my "emotional high maintenance" when in truth... I hadn't give Him a chance. It wasn't that I didn't give the other people a chance, but that I have to be sure I can trust someone with that part of myself, out of fear of being wounded again.

The time has come, to be a brave girl. I have prepared myself as much as I can and gotten to know myself the best I can, so that I am more aware of what I need in a Partner. i feel that I am ready, not only to serve but to truly surrender to the right One. I am not saying the 'next One' has to be the 'right One'... But I will no longer demean myself to settle for less than I need. Just that I am open to the possibilities of tomorrow.

A desire for a true Master, One who can touch my mind, whisper to my heart, and command my body to obey Him. I do hope that He will crave His control of my whole being-- not just sexually. I crave control in various parts of my life, His boundaries for things that are best for me, and His touch at other times, not just at bedtime. I don't want to be a girl who is called in the middle of the night for a kinky booty, nor do I desire to be kept in complete secret. I am not saying that I demand to meet family or anything, because that comes at its own time. I do not want to rush anything and am happy to let things go at their own pace. But I fear that the private respect for our relationship/activities will be used to help hide His true intentions from me. I don't wish to be only a 'toy' and for His secret amusement... I want a partner, equal -- yet intense with power exchange. I don't want to feel that He is ashamed of me or embarrassed by His desire to spend time with me.

I hope this makes sense... its difficult to word, and get my true meaning across.

Vanity or Insecurity

I do believe that there is a certain amount of vanity in a slave’s desire to be pleasing. Not in the "queen of the world" way, but there is a certain amount of pride that comes from being pleasing. There is a fine line between being proud of being able to give Him pleasure and being haughty in service. I don't serve because I need to "strutting my stuff", but my ego does benefit from being told I have been a good girl, been pleasing and served well. Its encouraging and gives that part of me strength to venture into other areas of service ~ areas that I am not that confident in my ability to serve well.. if that makes any sense?

There is a fine line between serving for the pleasure of the Free and serving for bragging rights amongst the slaves, in a girls humble opinion. A slave understands that slavery is less of a 'Do this Do that' and more of a balancing act between antipodes. Let’s be realistic, anyone can be taught to obey. There is a difference in obeying a direction and serving with the heart. When one learns of the Other, even being proactive in meeting an expected need (ie such as already having His coffee prepared in the mornings) it becomes a balance between the two extremes.

Some argue that a girl needs to be pleasing because she doesn’t value her surrender to Him without it. I do not see it that way. Yes, I am insecure of some areas of service, but confident in other places. My desire to be pleasing isn’t to help anchor insecurities as much as it defines the relationship in my head.

Example:

He is Master, and I am slave.
He is Owner, and I am owned.
He commands, and I obey.
He is to be pleased, and I am to please.
Why is this?
Because He is Master, and I am slave.

~Explorers of Gor

Picture of a slave

I knew then that he was dominant over me. This had nothing to do with the fact that I lay stripped before him, wrists and ankles lashed, his prisoner. It had to do with the fact that he was totally masculine, and in the presence of such a stimulus, my body would permit me to be only totally feminine. ~Captive of Gor

The slave girl is commonly desired and prized by her master; she is one of his treasures. The Gorean master, interested in her and attentive to her, wants to know everything about her, in her emotions and feelings, in their feminine, lyrical detail. Conversing with a lovely slave is one of the many pleasures of owning her. It is almost impossible for a girl to keep her thoughts or feelings from her master. He knows her too well. ~Fighting Slave of Gor

These quotes, and this picture, speak volumes to me.

I love the first quote, because it is very true. If more Men would step up and be a Man, that would allow me to be more feminine. I don't like being his mama or his babysitter, I need a man I feel like I can surrender too... not one I have to keep an eye on at all times.

For the picture, I like the arch of her neck, the offer of most vulnerable flesh... represents completely surrender to me. The way the woman is surrounded by other valuable things, indicating that to Him, she is also a treasure within His possession.

The second quote, I think is the touch of romance that Norman included in his books to help the women read the books. haha Seriously, thats my fairy tale in a nutshell. Maybe it's wrong.. to want that kind of relationship with Someone? He doesn't have to be able to read my thoughts or guess my needs, but... just listen. Not even all the time, just... when its important to me. And not "what do you want for dinner" important, I mean important as in required in maintaining the relationship important.

Silence, please.

Each breath brings little relief, each movement of my body screams in anger, the pain a heavy weight that keeps the mind from focusing.

Please, just give me my medicine and let me sleep. Please just let me cry until the drugs kick in. Please keep the lights off. Please keep the noise way down. My body cannot handle the sensations, each bright light and loud sound is like needles to my head. Please just leave me to this so that when I wake up, I can feel much better.

Days like this, make me question the ability to handle anything more, be responsible for much more, or be able to totally surrender every single moment of every single day. I do not claim days like this, I have released all control and surrender to the fibromyalgia. This way, I do not feel guilty for not demanding myself to do more, or force myself to suffer through it or "be a trooper" and work against it. This way I can obey my body, remain in rest and wait on the new day.


Posted on 12/23/07 based on notes made on 12/20/07.

Significance of Love-Making

The moment of greatest significance in love-making is not the moment of orgasm. It is rather the moment of entrance, the moment of penetration... This is the moment that shakes us, that has within it the great wonder, tremendous and tremulous as it may be- or disappointing and despairing, which says the same thing from the opposite point of view. - Rollo May

I can see what Rollo May is talking about, not just a physical penetration of two bodies, but a soulful union also. At least, that is the idealistic form of "making love". For me, thats how I feel. I think what seperates sex from making love, are those moments following an orgasm. That is what has always been what defines the experience for me. Then again, my desire for intimacy is more on the emotional level than the physical level. Don't get me wrong, I love a good sexual drive and my share of lust, but... It's hard to explain. Anyway, I'm just posting this quote because I thought it was kind of... different.

Horoscope

The last few weeks have been.... unbelievably stressful and packed with major life events. I made up my mind over the weekend that I can't do the stress anymore. I'm going to start relaxing and let life deal the cards. Then, this morning, I read my horoscope. It really perked me up and confirmed that I'm doing the right thing.

elana's Horoscope for December 16, 2007
The key word for you today is boundaries, elana, so think for a minute about what this means to you. It is time to sit down with yourself and have a serious talk. Set some limits for yourself and be honest about where you should go about drawing the line. Your health, your state of mind, and your relationships with others all depend on your taking the initiative to know when to say no in certain situations.

Same Old Story

A curious twist to the same old story.

Boy meets girl. Boy wants to dominate girl. Boy tells girl he is ‘extremely catholic’ (his phrasing not girl’s) and does not believe in condoms, birth control or premarital sex.

Girl understands and tells boy she respects his beliefs.

Then boy tells girl that he does require anal and oral sex, because they are not considered ‘sex’, that ‘sex’ only relates to vaginal sex – which he does not do because of his religious beliefs. Girl tells boy that she does not have any form of sex (oral, anal, vaginal) without a condom because she firmly beliefs in safer sex. Boy tells girl that he does not use condoms because of his religious beliefs, and she will have to have anal/oral without the condom because of what his church says. Girl asks if his church agrees with him having anal and oral without protection at all – he says its not the church’s business because its not vaginal. Girl is totally confused and continues to try and understand by asking questions. Boy doesn’t talk to girl anymore because she questions his 'religious beliefs'.

Does the girl misunderstand? or is the boy being hypocritical?

If the boy is already licking the icing why doesn’t he go ahead and eat the cake?

Your view or mine?

She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not care to be herself. ~ Anais Nin





As much as I don't want to admit it... I have days where this rings so true. Not because I don't care for myself exactly, but I have had to learn to see myself as I am, and not base my view solely on what others see. Majority of the submissives have a natural desire to serve, a burn within to be found pleasing... We want to make that special One happy, but sometimes it can consume us to the point of loosing ourselves. I have been there before. I do not wish to go back.

Normally this is where I would get on my soap box about society teaching children, both male and female, at young ages what they should or should not do. How they should or should not think. But... not tonight.