Silent Screams

Speak only when spoken to, if I wanted to hear from you
I would speak to you.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

It's not your place to question.

Absolutely worthless, who in their right mind
would want actually you?

What you do/say reflects back onto me so do not
make me look foolish with your needless chatter.

You're so bad at sex that I had to go elsewhere to enjoy it.

Shut up you aren't worth the price of the condom
it would take to fuck you.

These are all things I have been told since I began this journey in power exchange relationships. I know these things are horrible and should not of been said to me, however they were and affected me greatly. Sometimes I can forget about them and other times, they are always in the back of my head, playing in the background like elevator music. Over the last two years I've been trying extra hard to shake these destructive thoughts. I have been successful as long as I keep myself separated from anyone would would inspire power exchange. However, with the making of a few Friend, returned some of these thoughts. I've opened up about some of these things, but can't bring myself to voice others.

I tend to be very shy. Why am I so shy? One person would say that it is because I am insecure in certain parts of my personality/self. I was brought up to be a soft spoken Southern Baptist wife. Then when you add in the "training" I received once I began power exchange relationships.... I know how "wrong" my training was, but another part of me can't help but still obey it.

Why can't I just shake these things? I know they are lies. I know they were only said to hurt me. Why do I continue to give them power over me? How do I make them go away? How do I re-train myself to think differently, positively? About all things.

Maybe I can learn to open up more and get over my shyness, or does that mental behavior need to be untaught?

Then again, maybe the Friend is right to say it is insecurity. But to be honest, I would hope when the right One "gets into my head", He will push out these other thoughts.. because there would not be room for Them both, right? Lets just hope, I'm able to let Him in, when I meet the right One.

So while one part of me is praying you won't study me to closely,
another part of me longs for your attention.

Even though I don't care for the books, this quote really ... pulls at my heart. As much as I fear a Man like this, because He would truly know me completely, I would give anything for the right One to know this much about me and still want me.

[Masters] tend to be extremely interested in things they own, and tend, usually, to be quite fond of them. Owned women do not form an exception to this general rule. The slavegirl is commonly desired and prized by her master; she is one of his treasures. The... master, interested in her and attentive to her, wants to know everything about her, in her emotions and feelings, in their feminine, lyrical detail. Conversing with a lovely slave is one of the many pleasures of owning her. It is almost impossible for a girl to keep her thoughts or feelings from her master. He knows her too well. ~ John Norman, Fighting Slave of Gor