On my Honor...

Write a submissive pledge for yourself.
Make sure you write about only things you can control within yourself.
~Sensual Service

As a submissive, I make this promise to myself.
I promise to always listen to my inner voice, and trust my instinct.
I promise to have patience with myself.
Give myself the benefit of a doubt.
I will do my best not to allow negativity to overtake me.
I will be completely honest with myself, at all times.
I will work on separating my gut feelings from my fears.
I will show myself the kindness I am showing others.
I will hold out for someone who will also give me respect,
Because I am worth it.

Wishy-washy Guy + me = Bitch

Inconsistency breeds bitchiness.

The definition of consistency is steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.

Consistency is something that I need very much. Something within the relationship must be consistent. I'm not saying that both won't have a bad day from time to time, but he must be consistent so that I know where the boundaries are. I have learned that when I am with someone who is inconsistent is when I become bitchy. Its almost like, I try to see what else he will be wishy-washy about and almost use my attitude mood swings to see how far I can push him. I don't think I am manipulative, but I think that it is natural behavior to test the waters.

It all boils down to I need him to be consistently in control! I end up being the one in control when it is my choices that dictate his actions/words. I am not a Dominant, I am submissive, however when forced to be in control... I become a bitch. That is the only way I know to be in control. So when he can become so flustered and wishy-washy just from something I do or say, then he is creating his own bitch to deal with.

I have posted this quote before, in the entry called On being oneself. But this is the first time I have really... voiced my thoughts that make this quote speak so close to home.

|¥| We are women, and want, truly, with everything in our hearts and bellies, to be women, and we cannot be women truly if men are not truly men! Lay down the whip, and we will attack you, and undermine you, and use your own laws, institutions, and rhetorics to destroy you, inch by inch.... Own us, dominate us! Enslave us, properly, so that we may love you as women are meant to love, wholly and unreservedly, totally, without thought of ourselves!" She looked at me, tears in her eyes. "Is it so wrong to want to be ourselves?" |¥| Renegades of Gor |¥|

Dynamics

Which master has more control and power? One that has to force or coheres his sub to do things or one whose sub willingly does things out of love.

~topic provided by a Friend

There is more to being a master than barking orders or forcing someone's will to obey your own. Just as there is more to being a submissive/slave than abandoning the ability to think and becoming a doormat for anyone to walk on. There is a special connection that can be established between Master and submissive/slave in which her desire to please him out weighs her own will, so she happily lays it down for his own. Within this connection, the Master makes decisions that are best for the girl and himself, putting her wellbeing before his own physical desires.

Realistically there are times that the girl must bite the bullet and do as He would desire, because we are human and no one is perfect all of the time. Just as there are times that He must bite the bullet and either do what is best for her or admit he was wrong -- because we are human and no one is perfect all the time.

So which would be more powerful or in more control? The way I see it, only one of those men is a master. The condescending one who barks orders to anyone who will listen, is an asshole. :)

Photo by Marcus J Ranum

A Fibro Day

Another day inside of the box, able to see through the glass what is going on but unable to be heard. Days like these are "normal" says my doctors, however each one catches me off guard. Not only is the pain physical but its also emotional. Leaving me mentally exhausted and unsure of everything.

I think this was coming on last night, when I blogged rather negatively. I am learning through my private journal that those thoughts tend to overwhelm me, leading up to fibro days. Muscles hurt so that I can't sleep, and not being able to rest properly sends me into emotional overload.

These are the days I need to be "grounded" and centered the most, but also the days I don't know how to reach out.

Silent Screams

Speak only when spoken to, if I wanted to hear from you
I would speak to you.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

It's not your place to question.

Absolutely worthless, who in their right mind
would want actually you?

What you do/say reflects back onto me so do not
make me look foolish with your needless chatter.

You're so bad at sex that I had to go elsewhere to enjoy it.

Shut up you aren't worth the price of the condom
it would take to fuck you.

These are all things I have been told since I began this journey in power exchange relationships. I know these things are horrible and should not of been said to me, however they were and affected me greatly. Sometimes I can forget about them and other times, they are always in the back of my head, playing in the background like elevator music. Over the last two years I've been trying extra hard to shake these destructive thoughts. I have been successful as long as I keep myself separated from anyone would would inspire power exchange. However, with the making of a few Friend, returned some of these thoughts. I've opened up about some of these things, but can't bring myself to voice others.

I tend to be very shy. Why am I so shy? One person would say that it is because I am insecure in certain parts of my personality/self. I was brought up to be a soft spoken Southern Baptist wife. Then when you add in the "training" I received once I began power exchange relationships.... I know how "wrong" my training was, but another part of me can't help but still obey it.

Why can't I just shake these things? I know they are lies. I know they were only said to hurt me. Why do I continue to give them power over me? How do I make them go away? How do I re-train myself to think differently, positively? About all things.

Maybe I can learn to open up more and get over my shyness, or does that mental behavior need to be untaught?

Then again, maybe the Friend is right to say it is insecurity. But to be honest, I would hope when the right One "gets into my head", He will push out these other thoughts.. because there would not be room for Them both, right? Lets just hope, I'm able to let Him in, when I meet the right One.

So while one part of me is praying you won't study me to closely,
another part of me longs for your attention.

Even though I don't care for the books, this quote really ... pulls at my heart. As much as I fear a Man like this, because He would truly know me completely, I would give anything for the right One to know this much about me and still want me.

[Masters] tend to be extremely interested in things they own, and tend, usually, to be quite fond of them. Owned women do not form an exception to this general rule. The slavegirl is commonly desired and prized by her master; she is one of his treasures. The... master, interested in her and attentive to her, wants to know everything about her, in her emotions and feelings, in their feminine, lyrical detail. Conversing with a lovely slave is one of the many pleasures of owning her. It is almost impossible for a girl to keep her thoughts or feelings from her master. He knows her too well. ~ John Norman, Fighting Slave of Gor

Torn...

I've had a lot on my mind the last month or so.
Its still not easy to blog about it.

Trying to figure out what I want versus what I need,
emotionally physically and mentally.

Then deciding the best way to have those needs met...
trying to use my head to follow my heart.

If You lead, I will follow.

"I do not want to be the leader.

I refuse to be the leader.
I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness.
I want a man lying over me, always over me.
His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work,
his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.
I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually,
artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman
I want to be dominated.

I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet,
not to cling all that I am capable of doing
but I am going to be pursued,
fucked,
possessed
by the will of a male
at his time,
his bidding."


"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength,
who makes enormous demands on me,
who does not doubt my courage or my toughness,
who does not believe me naïve or innocent,
who has the courage to treat me
like a woman."

Both quotes by ~ Anais Nin

Mirror mirror on the wall...

Mirror mirror on the wall,

Who is this girl afraid to fall?
Why does she cry beg and plead,
Just to reject the things she need?

I like me. I like me not.

I know who I am. Normally I like who I am.

But I don't know why I allow others make me question myself?

Emotional Virginity

Emotional virginity was not a concept I was familiar with until recently.

A new friend suggested it and to be honest... it felt so right. I like the thought of having an emotional purity, keeping it guarded until the right One comes along. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a physical virgin but emotionally I've always been shut off when it comes to relationships. Preferring to mold myself into whoever the other person wants me to be. Yes this is natural in a power exchange relationship, but I didn't allow the other Person to get to know who I truly was, so that S/He could make the decision on what S/He wanted to change. I don't disconnect completely, but I keep a very important part of myself at arm's length. I've always thought it was because I couldn't stand the thought of that core part of me being rejected by my partner. Maybe its because, I've known each time that the person wasn't the 'right one' for me.

Believe it or not, I like the thought of that. It's almost like, it doesn't matter what my past is, there is still a bit of innocence that remains. Maybe that's the part of me that secretly dreams of a Dominant Prince Charming.

Submissive Feminist

Someone recently made a comment that I was "fake' because I stated that I was submissive but also a feminist. Something about that suggestion angers me, not to the point of being out of control but I tend to get a little sharp tonged. The truth is, I am not a slave because I am a woman, I am a slave because I feel it inside. It has nothing to do with my gender.

To be honest, the guys who usually call me fake believe that having a penis instantly makes them a master ~ which is the furtherest thing from the truth! To me, being a feminist means that I can do anything I put my mind to and I hate being told I can't "because I'm a girl"! I'll do it or die trying. I have intelligence, ability, and am capable of taking care of myself. I am submissive because of my needs for power exchange and service. I can 'choose' to take care of myself but I want to serve instead. However, mentally / emotionally I need power exchange with my Partner. That doesn't have anything to do with me being female. A man is not a Master just because He was born a male, it takes much more than that. As it does to become a slave, there is more to it than just being female.

I know this is rather rant-ish and all jumbled up, but its as clear as I can communicate it right now.