Discontented Women

To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long. -- Marlene Dietrich

Beautiful Cathartic Intimacy

"The two share a deep, profound, vulnerable emotional connection where the man makes her feel safe, protected, and validated, the way a loving dominant does, and her vulnerability, submissiveness, sexual surrender, and nurturing love and acceptance nourishes him to life. They share a beautiful, cathartic intimacy." 

~ Written by SensualGoodHeart on fetlife.

This is what I desire....  

What to expect...

So a few nights ago I stumbled across this article, What To Expect When Dating A Woman Who’s Been Single For A Long Time, and it made me think about how many of those things are true for me and how these might come into play within a D/s relationship.  The article lists things like she enjoys alone time, she has protective walls in place, and she's not used to having help but she will embrace it.  I think if I were making a list for submissives who have been unowned for a long time...  especially about myself...  I think I would list some of the same things but maybe one or two different ones.

1.  I am not disillusioned or bitter, I am cautious.  No one wants to believe that a functioning D/s relationship is possible in today's world more than I feel it is.  I need to trust you before I submit, surrender is too intimate for me to jump blindly.

2.  As much as I ache to surrender... I'm scared of it.  To quote the article, I've been "keeping my emotions in check" for so long and been protecting myself, taking care of myself, that the walls that I've used to do those things need to come down before I can really let you in... and I know that.  I want that.  But there isn't a match switch that causes them to collapse... and then once the walls are down, I need your guidance to help me reestablish that I'm ok again without those walls... that I can trust you to take care of me while I'm vulnerable.  

3.  I need a certain amount of alone time.  I love to read and have develop ways to self-soothe...  I am uncomfortable being up under someone 24/7 or having someone up under me.  If that is something you desire and we get along well, it will take time to get to that point.  I'm not saying that I don't want any contact, I just need the ability sometimes to read or netflix or blog for a half hour without fifty "wut u doin" texts.


Just a few thoughts... 

hmm...

uh... yes please! 

Intimacy...

I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other's wounds; they repair the broken skin. 

- Lauren Oliver, Pandemonium

I think its more about quietening the other person's demons... a merging of souls so that the broken cracks are now filled with life and hope...  

I've always been super quiet about my romantic side, well except for the times it has came out on this blog... but I find myself thinking about it more and more lately... I don't know if I'm hoping for something like this or using these thoughts to shield myself from those I meet... 

I hate the way that conversations I have now are good at first but then five minutes in, I'm totally bored.  I hate those quiet awkward silences where no matter what topic I bring up the guy says "uh ha yeah, so you're cute."  Or just keep saying "so when can I hold you?"  Uh... if you can't hold a conversation with me for more than five minutes then you aren't going to hold my body anytime soon.  That makes me sound like a total bitch but I just.... I need someone who can capture my attention and that I have his.  


Update: Crazy scattered, sorry! 

What I want...

In my eyes, she is beautiful.  You say she asks if I want a full marriage and the answer is yes I do.  I want a real marriage, a true marriage, with everything that that involves.  I love her....  I am happy and tickled and bursting with pride that she would agree to be my wife.  and I want us to live as closely as two people can for the time that remains to us on earth.   

- Mr Carson about Mrs Hughes, Downton Abbey. 

I know that it's cheesy... 

I know that it's fake and scripted... 

But this is what I want.  I don't need to be swept off of my feet or promised the world... I want him to just... want to be close to me for the time we are together....     

being broken

Even though I relate strongly to this one some level.... I'm not as broken today as I have been in the past.  And next month, I hope to be even less broken.  :) 

Quiz

Normally these quizzes get me tickled... but I took one this evening that made me stop and think... I know that it isn't really real, but I thought I'd share it anyway... because I'd like to think that on a good day it might be true. :)    

Well, maybe  not the 'wise' part lol 

You Have Been Chopped.

There is a show on the Food Network called Chopped.  The short summary of the show is that four chefs play three rounds of the cooking game.  After each round, one of the contestants is 'Chopped' or eliminated until there is a winner.  When the contestants are close and the judges cannot not decide who should go, they will chop based on basic mistakes made earlier in the game.  This always bothered me... Then I realized that I hate when this happens in relationships.

As I am getting to know someone, and He me, we find those little things that are OK along the way.  When a bigger issue comes up, then we end things and move on.  But sometimes there is that time where I have been chopped for something that happened in the beginning, that I thought we had moved passed...  That is when things really suck.  I don't understand how something that can bother someone so much - enough to end things, can go unmentioned for weeks or months until suddenly - oh yes, remember several months ago when you fell asleep on the phone?  Yes that's why I don't want to see you again.  Looking back, I can see that the person was searching for excuses, but I'm just now finding the desire to blog about it. 

Now I am guilty of letting things build, the first time or two something happens I won't mention it... but after a couple times of it happening, I will speak to Him about it.  But I don't use words like "always or never", etc.   But when it is something we have discussed multiple times and it doesn't change, then I will chop him.   

Just some thoughts swirling around my brain this morning. 

Procrastinators Unite

What behavior or activity do you keep pushing off until tomorrow? What reasons do you use to delay the change. What if you were ordered-directed by your dominant to make the change. Would you still find valid reasons to delay it?  - Submissive Journal Prompts

I love to blog... I enjoy how it helps me sort through my thoughts, process emotions, and leaves me feeling a little less alone in this world.  But I put it off because it also leaves me a little vulnerable... I've been going through a difficult time and wasn't strong enough to handle being vulnerable.... but things are improving and I'm becoming stronger... so i want to begin blogging again. 

I'm hoping to begin blogging again.  I didn't exactly answer the journal question, but for me, this is close enough. :)  

Thinking of you

This song always makes me cry... always.

Randomness

I want to believe in love and that there is someone out there who not only will put me in my place but has a place for me in His life. 

 I'm intelligent but sometimes I make dumb decisions. 

 I'm not sure if I'm smart or just a smart-ass. 

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. 

 I am strong willed and yet infinitely weak. 

 I love too much and trust too little. 

 I hate lies but believe too much. 

 "Sticks and stones are hard on bones aimed with angry art. Words can sting like anything but silence breaks the heart. 

 -Phyllis McGinley

discouraged

I've really been struggling the last few months, I've become so discouraged... I am learning how to manage my condition but I don't know how to integrate that in with my surrender or my relationships.  When I start to get to know someone, I begin to want more for Him... more than someone who is chronically ill... more than someone who has severe fatigue... more than someone who has a broken heart... more than someone with a short life expectancy and building medical bills... I want more for Him... like someone who can participate in bondage and positioning for as long as He wants without having to worry abotu muscle spasms or joint swelling... someone who can just be more of what he needs.  

I wouldn't pick this for my life, I didn't pick this... so I really don't understand why someone would pick a partner who has a chronic illness... why would someone do that to himself? 

Yes yes, I've heard "elana you are sweet and kind"...  "elana you are thoughtful and considerate" ... "elana you are obedient and cute".... yes but those things only go so far...

Sometimes I get so distracted by my limits that I can't see myself for my condition... and if I can't see it, no one else will be able to either.

So what's the point in looking and trying?

Maybe I just need a real break...  

15 Things I wish I'd Known About Grief

This is *NOT* my work, it was posted on Identity Renewed. I am sharing it here, giving them complete and total credit. 

15 Things I wish I'd Known About Grief 

1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life will go on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly. 

 2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day. 

 3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling. 

4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss. 

 5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living. 

 6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others. 

 7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions. 

 8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted. 

 9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help. 

 10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you. 

 11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this?” 

 12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal. 

 13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways. 

 14. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need people. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. 

 15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you. 

Thank you to Identity Renewed for sharing this.

Happy Veteran's Day

'Thank you' will never be enough to honor the men and women who have sacrificed everything to defend our country.  'Thank you' will never be enough to make it up to the families who lost everything, right alongside their fallen soldier.  Offering prayers and appreciation, not just today, but everyday. 

Love Anything...

This made me stop and think.....

Pick A Tree Personality Test

Look at the tree and choose the one that is immediately the most appealing to you. 

Don’t think about it too long, just choose, 

and find out what your choice says about your personality.

The results!

1. You are a generous and moral (not to confuse with moralizing) person. You always work on self-improvement. You are very ambitious and have very high standards. People might think that communicating with you is difficult, but for you, it isn't easy to be who you are. You work very hard but you are not in the least selfish. You work because you want to improve the world. You have a great capacity to love people until they hurt you. But even after they do. . . you keep loving. Very few people can appreciate everything you do as well as you deserve. 

2. You are a fun, honest person. You are very responsible and like taking care of others. You believe in putting in an honest day's work and accept many work-related responsibilities. You have a very good personality and people come to trust you easily. You are bright, witty and fast-thinking. You always have an interesting story to tell. 

3.You are a smart and thoughtful person. You are a great thinker. Your thoughts and ideas are the most important. You like to think about your theories and views alone. You are an introvert. You get along with those who likes to think and learn. You spend a lot of time, thinking about morality. You are trying to do what is right, even if the majority of society does not agree with you. 

4. You are perceptive and philosophical person. You are a unique, one soul of your kind. Next to you there's no one even slightly similar to you. You are intuitive and a bit quirky. You are often misunderstood, and it hurts you. You need personal space. Your creativity needs to be developed, it requires respect of others. You are a person who clearly sees the light and dark sides of life. You are very emotional.   (This one is the tree I picked and it is very much me!)

5. You are self-assured and in charge. You are very independent. Your guiding principle in life is 'I'll do it my way.'. You are very self-reliant and know how to stay strong for yourself and the people you love. You know exactly what you want and are not afraid of pursuing your dreams. The only thing you demand from people is honesty. You are strong enough to accept the truth. 

6. You are kind and sensitive. People relate to you very well. You have many friends and you love helping them. You have this warm and bright aura that makes people feel good when they are around you. Every day, you think about what you can do to improve yourself. You want to be interesting, insightful and unique. More than anybody else in the world, you need to love. You are even ready to love those who don't love you back. 

7. You are happy and unflappable. You are a very sensitive and understanding person. You are a great listener who know how to be non-judgmental. You believe that everybody has their own journey in life. You are open to new people and events. You are highly resistant to stress and rarely worry. Normally, you are very relaxed. You always manage to have a good time and never lose your way. 

8. You are charming and energetic. You are a fun person who knows hot to make people laugh. You live in a state of harmony with the universe. You are spontaneous and enthusiastic. You never say no to an adventure. Often, you end up surprising and even shocking people. But that's just how you are. . . You always remain true to yourself. You have many interests and if something proves of interest to you, you will not rest until you acquire a profound knowledge of this area. 

9. You are optimistic and lucky. You believe that life is a gift and you try to achieve as much as possible and put this gift to the best use possible. You are very proud of your achievements. You are ready to stick by the people you care about through thick and thin. You have a very healthy approach to life. The glass is (at least) half full for you. You use any opportunity to forgive, learn, and grow because you believe that life is too short to do otherwise. 

Reconsidering...

So maybe 50 Shades isn't all that bad, if it is producing quotes like these.... ;)   

Not saying these are original thoughts or ideas, but.... its nice to have someone put them into words that will make sense to someone else.  Whenever I tried in the past, I haven't been successful. 

In Search Of...

Of course there would be a little bit more to it, but.... I think that about sums it up.

Dominants are People too - Who Knew?!

I had never really thought about it... I mean, I had thought about the dynamics and thought process that go behind power exchange.  Up until tonight I thought I had done my best to comprehend what He goes through - but now I am realizing that I have absolutely no clue... and that was a bit foolish on my part.  Dominants Masters and Daddys are people too - yes I know that in my heart, but my brain refuses to see them subject to the same fears, insecurities, and hurts that I go through.  Why do I have such a need for Him to be invincible?  Just because He struggles with moments of insecurities does not mean that he will always waiver on things I need so desperately - like structure and boundaries.  Just because He admits that He needs me and my surrender as much I as need Him doesn't make him weak...  Isn't that something I should hope for?  That sounds like a good balance of give and take....  Maybe that is why I haven't thought about it... I already doubt so much about myself these days, my nature aches with the thought of disappointing the One I want to please the most... So perhaps I don't trust myself with that kind of power over the One I desire... I know first hand how much it can hurt to be betrayed in that manner and I hate the thought of doing it to someone else - even if it wasn't intentional... 

This jumbling series of emotional thoughts were triggered by a blogpost that I read last night and didn't even realize what I was seeing until it misted through my brain this evening...  Thank you again, Dauntless Vitality, for stirring my mental pot.