We interrupt this blog...

We interrupt this blog to announce that the Nemisis of the Author has struck again!  Yes Fibroymalgia is raising havoc and spreading grief.  While only one has been strongly injured, many are experiencing the ripple of unrest it brings.  Emotions are running high, peace and tranquility have fallen off the charts.  We are advising others to steer clear, we repeat: steer clear of the area!  There looks to be no productive assistance in site, perhaps tomorrow will be better.

And now back to your regularly scheduled blogposts. 

an emotional creature

"Emotion is not only positive, but necessary; the mastery of it is not up to the female. It is up to the male. She is to be every bit the writhing, crying, joyful, and utterly female being she can possibly be. It would be cruel to suggest otherwise." -- Tribesmen of Gor

"Her feelings were easily hurt, a valuable property in a slave girl. Too, she could not control her feelings, another excellent property in a slave girl. Her feelings, vulnerable, deep, exploitable, in her expressions and on her face, betrayed her, exposing her to men, and their amusement, as helplessly as her stripped beauty. They made her more easily controlled, more a slave." -- Tribesmen of Gor

The Woman with You

I have so many hats, obligations, responsibilities, and I have very little time to rest... forget 'me' time or time to blog... I haven't been able to talk to Pixie in days it feels like, if not a week or more... It's not that I mind or am complaining, I'm blessed to have a job I enjoy even if it keeps me busy, a family that loves me, even though I'm exhausted, and a full life... 


Things have been...  But to be able to fit in a few moments alone with Someone special... The only way I know how to communicate it is with this video/song lyrics.



 

The Woman with You by Kenny Chesney

I just wish it could last longer than a few hours...  

I need to fight.

Mom’s been sick lately, so needless to say my plate runneth over. I’m exhausted, stressed, and the weather is turning cold yet again which brings fibro pain. That was a guest I was not expecting at the party. (It’s May!) Not that I’m complaining but this cooler weather shift was a complete surprise... that brings muscle cramps my way.


The truth is that today I've been spoiling for a fight all day. I don't care who it is or what it is about, I just really need to focus my frustration and pick an argument. I can’t place my anger where it belongs – because it really isn’t rage... deep down, its pain and fear. I am so mad at my Dad! He promised Mom – he promised me, he would take care of us. He said he would be there and that he loved us. But he isn’t here; he left us here alone. He’s been gone a little over a year and I miss him more now than I ever have before. He made choices that he knew would shorten his life, he didn’t listen to his doctors, and I ... I know he is in a better place, happy and without pain. I know his last few years were miserable, hurting so badly and struggling so much with his illnesses that it changed who he was... but that doesn’t help me any now.


I’m terrified ~ this weekend we spent hours in the emergency room while they monitored Mom’s blood pressure. It keeps bottoming out, 101/57... 85/49... 113/63... 79/45... 118/70... Up and down, up and down. What bothers me the most is that I’m having these flashes of being at Dad’s bedside the last seventy-four hours of his life. Watching his blood pressure do the same, but falling even lower... until... he went home. I cannot lose Mom, not now. I let Dad go because I knew it was time and he was ready... but I will NOT give Mom up. Please don’t ask me to... It has barely been a year since he left, I still need her.


So yes, today I’m not in the best of moods.  In my head I know that my Dad didn't truly have a choice but my heart feels abandoned.  So yes, today I am filled with a defensive chip-on-my-shoulder attitude and don’t really give a shit if someone else is tired or busy or whatever.  I am scared, hurting, and alone in this...  I don’t know how to handle this and I don’t know how to reassure myself that everything will be ok. So I’m not apologetic that I don’t know how to reassure someone else right now.


I guess that would make me pretty useless about right now...  

untitled

He had been on my mind for a while.... today is his birthday... Not sure if I remember that because he touched me so strongly or if it is because it was the one year anniversary after Dad passed... either way, I emailed him a happy birthday... He responded and we began talking a little... Not sure what is happening... Not sure where it is going... but it was good to hear his voice....

One year.

It's been a year... 

already... 

Has it only been 365 days?

I miss you Dad.